To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

And all those who are blithely suggesting she gets a job at this point - imagine being gaslighted, demoralised and attempting to work while your husband sabotages that. How work ready would you be just after ending the marriage and pregnant with a child you hadn't chosen to have?

I also agree that posting in aibu shouldn't be an excuse for the nasty replies we often get.It's one thing to disagree politely with a well thought out reply but to name call and write responses in the horrible tone of some posters is completely uncalled for. Also the OP doesn't have to change her point of view just because some randoms on the internet tell her she's being unreasonable.

Some of this just comes across as so sexist. So many responses of "well my ex pays even less" so what? How does that excuse it? Saying "well it's possible to support your family on that" yes of course she's not going to starve but why should every penny of her income go on the kids when her ex has an incredibly high level of disposable income and no childcare responsibilities at all. It all appears as though children are really the mum's responsibility and anything she gets from the dad is a bonus she should be grateful for. Her work in actually bringing up the ids is apparently worthless.

People offering different views were not jumped on.
Posters who were rude, who repeatedly questioned the ops mental health and who posted nothing more constructive than 'I feed my kids on £2.00 a month and you sound grabby' were jumped on.

Aibu is not an acceptable home for shit throwing chimps.

She asked if she was unreasonable to be surprised at how little STBX would have to contribute to his children's upbringing. Why shouldn't she have posted that question here?

Yes, quite.

I would work. I just haven't got a spare £800 to pop DD into full time nursery with; sorry about that.

Plus in all honesty I really can't think of anything I can do right now. It takes most of my energy not to vomit up everything I eat. I have been tramping around today and I am EXHAUSTED.

demon maybe she assumed that people would be supportive and sensitive to a difficult situation. Even without abuse divorce is hard, if people wanted to disagree (and I find it hard to see their point) they could so in a sensitive manner. The tone of your replies is incredibly nasty, that's the way it comes across (as I think you know). The level of hostility is totally shocking on this thread I'm not surprised the OP wasn't expecting it.

'Shit throwing chimps'

Pag you have got to move in here. That's hilarious!

ILs - did you, guess what it was I was alluding to?

Thanks.

Sure I will Stardust.

Plus I do actually look like Keanu Reeves and posses buttocks that can crack walnuts

Kim I have said THREE times now what I wanted from this thread. I know it's long and fast moving but this is in the last ten minutes?

And has it occurred to you 'why did you post' people looking down their noses at me, that my family are dead? That friends I had once are no more, as DH forbade me contact with them or was so rude to them they refused to see me unless I chucked him?

So who do I talk to with my frustration and upset and worry? My 8 year old? My 10 month old?

I'm lonely. I'm scared, I'm completely on my own. It's a powerful position in some ways, I'm starting to see, but it's also a daunting one. Especially when you want to sound off about the injustice of the world.

Of course the OP chose to have a child. Contraception is widely available for free and nobody in this country is forced to continue with a pregnancy they don't want.

If it's been bad for years like the OP has said, then priority should have been to the eldest who had no choice but the OP did. The house was hers with two more so not in a vulnerable position at all. Of course, the three properties will be split upon divorce but there's still more than enough for a new house.

The ex is entitled to keep some of his salary, he still has to house himself and pay the bills and eventually may get access so will need enough space for the children. Both are free to start new lives and carve them out in a way that makes them happy.

You've had support and people genuinely offering advice and suggestions though, so I hope you can draw some strength from that.

To counter those people who are saying "nothing can be done" and "accept reality". Something can be done. Get a good lawyer and fight for a fair settlement.

Firefly where has it been suggested he shouldn't keep some of his salary?
You can be vulnerable in many ways that don't involve money and abuse makes you feel that the situation is your fault and you won't manage alone.
And you often don't realise how bad things are/were for a very long time.

Kim I am sorry but that is a petty, disingenuous argument and frankly one I think ill suits you.

There are women (and men) on this forum in a variety of different circumstances with differing incomes and situations. I can't, and nor should I have to, be mindful of 'how I might come across to them" when I post.

My circumstances are mine. Obviously I regret it if somebody in a worse situation than me feels miffed or put out by my post but it doesn't change the stance I have here: my husband earns way above the national average yet his children will not benefit from that (according to the CSA.)

Firefly since I haven't the inclination to go through the backlog I will simply say I did, seriously, consider terminating this pregnancy. With regard to the 'contraception is freely available' you only need contraception when you have sex. I opt not to give out further detail. I suspect some can read between the lines.

My priority was my eldest, that's why I stayed so long.

Stardust YANBU. I have much empathy with your situation - I had less DC & more support (albeit not that helpful in reality) than you have & I can still remember that feeling of being all alone & just not having a fucking clue what the future held - all while dealing with a shit storm my ex left me with. I wasn't pregnant & I just about managed financially but the drop in income/standard i experienced still affects me now, 7 years later. My ex is a world apart from yours, but still enjoys more spare income than me, and I earn twice what he now earns. I've been getting £5 a week & will soon be receiving just over £100 a mth for 1 DC, and I can still feel empathy for your predicament - not least because pregnancy on your own & a new baby to follow is bloody hard work on your own. YANBU - that's from someone who gets nowhere near the amount the CSA says your ex should pay.

I hope the OP will get a settlement which protects the children and which means they don't suffer unduly financially as a result of the divorce - the OP has repeatedly said that this is about the children, not about her.

Don't you ever complain Kim about things? For every person in the world with an issue there are countless people that have it worse.

I do hate that train of argument.

I'll say it again for those of you who are hard of reading;
The OP shouldn't have to consider benefits if her ex is taking £4k home a month. Ever.

Pag can you stop a bus from exploding by keeping it at 50 mph?

Of course the OP chose to have a child. Contraception is widely available for free and nobody in this country is forced to continue with a pregnancy they don't want.

You have no understanding at all of what a truly abusive marriage can be like do you? Just go to the doctors and go on the pill? Not easy if he wont let you go alone. Get a termination? How do you explain that absence from the home? Who would look after the kids? Not him! And saying no to sex only works if the man in question will take no for an answer. Obviously I dont know if any of these apply to the OP but from my own experiences and what I have read just on MN, I wouldnt be surprised if they did.

Odd socks- and calling someone 'emotionally imaginative' is nice is it?

Your hypocrisy is laughable. I have not made one negative comment to the OP regarding her situation. I sImply questioned why the OP asked the question AIBU when it is clear that opposing views are not welcome ( in regards to the amount).
I do agree that some of the earlier replies were insensitive ( grabby, entitled) but I did not make those comments.

So id appreciate it if you were to stop calling my character into question please.

I'm well aware people need different levels of support etc, it was the asking of the AIBU question I was questioning. Not anyone's character. Like you are, for example.

Absolutely chipping. AbsoBLOODYlutely.