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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
MadameJulienBaptiste · 21/02/2015 17:13

While it does stink that he will still have so much cash, that £3k per month won't make him a nicer person will it, whereas you're already a nice person with less.

demonchilde · 21/02/2015 17:17

why post this is AIBU if you don't want to hear any opposing views?

And how is anyone doing so likely to keep people from leaving an abusive relationship? Government cuts to benefits and DV services may- but the opinions of people in a forum towards ONE persons financial situation. Really?

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 17:19

demonchilde if you can't see how some of these posts would affect the self esteem and inner strength of vulnerable women in abusive relationships you really can't have too much imagination.

Phineyj · 21/02/2015 17:20

OP, sympathies - it is an unfair situation. However, if your EXH is controlling and abusive then the amount of maintenance is probably irrelevant as he will just use it as a stick to beat you with, so to speak. More maintenance would simply equal more hassle. My advice, based on the experiences of a couple of women I know, is (in a year or so once you are in a position to) think hard about a career before deciding. Don't go into something low wage like teaching, where you will be reliant on the maintenance until your DC grow up (unless tax credits make it worthwhile - I don't know how they work but I would always be wary of basing a long term plan on government help that could change with an election). Do get the best possible financial and legal advice you can about the capital assets before making any decisions. Hold good friends close to you, as they will help you (as I am sure you help them) and reciprocal support is very important when there is no family nearby. Good luck and Flowers.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:22

Thanks, phiney :) more the principle of it.

I bet he will buy a sports car! Hmm

Demon - because I'm not fucking being U, all right? And it stops people leaving abusive relationships because you think everyone will say how great he is and how awful you are and your confidence is ground down and you hurt everywhere and you're trying to do the right thing by your children.

ils Flowers

OP posts:
EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 17:27

To be fair, not one person has said your twat of an ex is great.

demonchilde · 21/02/2015 17:30

I don't need imagination for it thank you. But I think making people with opposing views responsible for someone staying in that situation is completely uncalled for.

Just to say- I have never said you were BU. Ok. But still can't help but wonder why you posted in AIBU if you are convinced you are not and not open to alternate views on that.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 17:31

demonchild I can totally see OP's point. Not one person who has called her grabby and unreasonable has backed up their point of view with a suggestion on how she is actually meant to support her family (apart from claiming benefits - which means that rather than OP's ex supporting his own children the taxpayer does instead). P

eople have said "get a job" when clearly that is completely impractical (who exactly is going to employ a pregnant mother who hasn't worked in a number of years and pay her enough to cover childcare?).

If I was OP and was subject to spiteful comments which were totally unfounded in reality I wouldn't immediately change my point of either. A lot of these comments are just plain nasty and very clearly motivated by jealousy.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:31

No, not explicitly.

But people have said things like (paraphrasing)

"It's his money. If she wants her own, go out and work for it."
"She threw him out."
"Get counselling to get over his treatment of you and stop whining about money "
"He needs to be able to afford to live"
"He's the one separated from his children."

Haven't they?

Which all insinuate HE is the wronged party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:32

Thanks, Two

Sorry demon but twenty pages later and my patience is wearing a bit thin. I posted in AIBU for advice, empathy and support. Three excellent reasons to post.

With a side dish of spite and belligerence of course.

OP posts:
demonchilde · 21/02/2015 17:33

And yes- no one has said your ex is great OR that you are 'awful'.

I've been in your situation OP. But it would have taken a lot more than a few people disagreeing with my stance on maintenance amounts to keep me there.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 17:34

I love how people expect her ex to benefit from her inheritance by not having to contribute rent for his kids but neither she nor her kids are expected to benefit from his salary which she certainly helped him to earn by being at home with the kids. He will be swanning around with an enormous amount of disposable income, his kids will be going without and she doesn't even have the opportunity to get a job to support herself or the kids because he does no childcare.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:34

Don't assume everyone has your strength demon.

If I'd read this two weeks ago, DH would be here now. I'm not kidding.

OP posts:
Chessie00 · 21/02/2015 17:34

Demon - because I'm not fucking being U, all right?

Then why post?

You've got a lot of supportive posts in regards to the domestic violence but your original post was only about maintenance.

And some people think YABU about it. You can't have a go at people for answering the question you posted.

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 17:35

I'm not defending these people (as it's not excusable to pick on you) but it wasn't clear, at first, that he was an abusive arsehole.

I also think some people are narked because it's not as if you're on the breadline with what your income will be.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 17:35

demonchild you're really coming off as a bit nasty. Great for you if you don't need support from an online community why would you begrudge someone else in a bad situation wanting it? If I was in OP's situation I'd be incredibly emotionally vulnerable and these horrible comments would really put a dent in my self esteem. Are you really so emotionally unimaginative that you can't accept not everyone feels the same as you?

girliefriend · 21/02/2015 17:36

You will be much better off in you work and can claim some child and working tax credits (apologies I imagine this has already been pointed out but not got time to rtft)

My friend who has 3 children and works two and a half days a week and takes home around £800 in tax credits, plus what she earns, child benefit and what her ex husband gives her (not sure how much but def not £800!) It is more than enough to live on.

I am a single parent, 1 dd (9yo) and have never received a penny in maintenance so £800 sounds like a fortune to me.

I think you need to get a part time job and apply for tax credits.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 17:37

Aibu is not an excuse for so many posters to be dickheads.
They should stop justifying it and stop the 'yeah but you sort of asked for it..'

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:38

It doesn't matter if he was an abusive arsehole or not; I don't feel I really have to justify why I left.

This is NOT about my income. It's about him contributing a paltry amount compared to his take home salary. How many times does that need saying??

Chessie that's been answered. Nice little rhetorical question that "well why post"

For advice
For support
For empathy
For friendship
For understanding
For recognition

Need I go on?

There are any number of threads at any one time which only really rhetorically ask if they are U. We know why people post.

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 17:38

EdSheeran but even if her ex wasn't abusive £800 is not much to live off with three kids when you're unable to work and when your ex is extremely wealthy. It isn't enough money to allow her to get a job if she wanted to (he is able to work full time since she looks after the kids). It's not grabby to want to provide a better life for your kids when the ex can more than provide it.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 17:39

So you don't need "imagination" demonchilde yet you think that people in similar situations should all think and feel the same way? You think "your" situation was the same as the OP's? You think that because "you" were resilient everyone else should be able to be as you were?

demonchilde · 21/02/2015 17:39

Yes- my patience is wearing thin too. 'AIBU' asks a question - why choose this section of MN if you don't want answers that don't agree with you. Surely relationships or somewhere else would be better if it is just support you want?

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 17:41

TwoOdd I'm not disagreeing but when an ex will not/cannot pay much and the RP cannot work, the benefits system is there to support these families. OP is in a position where she has other income, so won't need it. I did say up thread that the children will unfairly experience a drop in lifestyle by the way.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 17:42

No, because relationships would say LTB. Which I've done. Or thrown the B out, more accurately.

You are of course at liberty to report the thread to Mumsnet if you feel it is misplaced.

Girlie if you can explain to me how I can find a part time job in the mid stages of pregnancy, and earn enough to cover childcare costs for 10 month old DD, I'd be delighted to look into it.

OP posts:
demonchilde · 21/02/2015 17:43

I'm not nasty at all. I just don't understand why this was asked as a question that appeared to invite alternate views. And why people were jumped on when they offered alternative views.

Please point out where I have been 'nasty' exactly.