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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2015 14:50

And as I said above, there is no guarantee she will actually see this £800. If he is as abusive as she says then I very much doubt he will happily hand it over every month, she could have a fight on her hands to see a penny of it.

850Pro · 21/02/2015 14:52

VixxFace.... where on earth do you get the half from?

pickledparsnip · 21/02/2015 14:53

Yeah I said it's not a lot when you compare it to what the wanker ex gets, but along with the other £600 she gets a month, it is more than enough to live off when you are mortgage free. Sounds like the OP will have to make some cutbacks, but fucking hell that is enough to live off. Big deal if you can't go on holiday or have loads of treats. A happy house without an abusive ex is well well worth the cut.

Bogeyface · 21/02/2015 14:53

According to the figures the OP gave, it should actually be £1000 a month not £800

Viviennemary · 21/02/2015 14:56

When I said less sypmpathetic I meant in view of the fact she has inherited money. Sorry I didn't make this clear. And I really meant less sympathetic to the financial position not less sympathetic to the situation of being a lone parent. Help!

Theoretician · 21/02/2015 15:00

If OP is married won't the marital assets (three houses) and his income be used to ensure that as far as possible they have an equal lifestyle going forward?

I've been playing with the wikivorce calculator, and if one partner has no income, it seems they get a lot more than half the assets, and half the other partners income. And that was assuming 50:50 custody (was using my own circumstances) so in OP case it nigbt even be more favourable to her.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/02/2015 15:05

I can t believe all the comments about "his salary" and how OP hasn't earned anything. Who has been looking after HIS children all this time? Who will be looking after them in the future?
She can't feasibly work right now, and won't be able to for a while and when she does childcare will be £££££.
This is because she is looking after the children, the ones he jointly chose to create.
So, apparently 4 people should live on less than half what one person lives on when the family splits?
And the taxpayer should subsidise this woman because her ex feels entitled to pay the minimum required amount?
Ok, in the long term OP, you don't really want to be depending on this man financially but right now, as the person bringing up his kids, Hell yes you have every right to be pissed off.
And I say that as someone who gets diddly in child support. It IS the principle of the thing, it is important.

demonchilde · 21/02/2015 15:06

I can't help but agree with those pointing out that actually, the OP will have plenty to live off and is probably in a much better situation than most women who have left an abusive partner. Her being unable to work is a temporary situation, so her income is likely to improve before too long.

Yes, her ex will have more and no, that isn't fair. But since when has life been fair?

Out of interest OP- you say you aren't entitled to any benefits, so if your ex suddenly became unable to work how would you manage financially then ( given that child maintenance is not counted as income for benefits) - genuine question.

Spadequeen · 21/02/2015 15:12

Why should we accept that the current rules aren't fair? Why shouldn't we challenge that?

If that were the case, women still wouldn't have the vote, we would still be able to discriminate against people due the colour of their skin / religion / gender / country of birth / sexual preference etc etc, there is still a huge way to he here

I think it's bullshit to say just because op will be getting more than others in a similar situation she should put up and shut up and to think she is entitled to any more she is being grabby. No we should be up in arms and fighting for those who get nothing not having a go at those who do get something

ifgrandmahadawilly · 21/02/2015 15:12

YANBU. I don't understand how anyone can have children and not want to give them everything they possibly can. Regardless of whether or not it's possible to bring up three children on the amount that you are getting, OP, if your ex is earning 3000 - 4000 per month then 800 is a paltry contribution.

I don't know why there are so many people who are bitter about get nothing / very little from their exes are comparing their situations to yours - surely one group of people being wronged doesn't mean everyone else should be?

Upandatem · 21/02/2015 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

demonchilde · 21/02/2015 15:35

Of course if people think the current rules aren't fair they free to challenge that.

Out of interest, those who don't agree with the %'s of earning set by the CSA as maintenance amounts - what % do you think would then be fair?

Personally, I think there are other aspects of the CSA/ child maintenance that need challenging more. Such as the loopholes regarding exes who are self employed and therefore easily able to lie about their income and thus get away with paying much less than they should if anything. Those who emigrate to a county that has no reciprocal agreement with the UK regarding maintenance. Plus the ridiculous new rules meaning that the RP now often has to pay for the privilege of asking the CSA to deal with calculating what maintenance is due to them.

ilovechristmas1 · 21/02/2015 15:42

the sums and investments the op has are very doable to bring three children up,and it does come across as grabby

BUT i think the problem is for many years the op has been used to a very good standard of living by the sounds of the salary and investments,her husband has for years worked and op has been a sahm,so pretty easy compared to now 3 children on your own,salary has gone and going to have to manage on a lot less than what she is used to

its the total responsibility and change that is really worrying op,its like anybody if your income drops drastically regardless of what it is and you are used to living to that standard of course you are going to worry

thats my take anyway

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 15:50

God,the sheer volume of posters lecturing the op on how little she should be able to manage on whilst totally indifferent to how financially advantaged her ex will be is staggering

It's worse than turkeys voting for Christmas, it's like turkeys wanting it to be Christmas every single day.

It's so incredibly shortsighted and stupid. No wonder sahms are so easy to screw over. Even other sahms don't care. Some of them sound rather pleased.

Upandatem · 21/02/2015 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/02/2015 16:16

bogey

I thought it should be higher, when a friend was going through this last year we put my details through the calculator and it came up as more than £800 on a similar pay with the same amount of children

Upandatem · 21/02/2015 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdSheeran · 21/02/2015 16:16

IMO, the trouble with percentages is this.....

Twatty ex1 brings home £1200 pcm and if CSA takes 25%, then he'll have to live off £900 which is tight.

Twatty ex2 brings home £4000 pcm and if CSA takes 25%, then he'll still have £3000 and the children will experience a huge drop in their quality of life.

I don't know what the answer is but I do know that it's not the OP's fault that some women on here get paltry amounts from their exes. To blame her is fucking nasty.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/02/2015 16:16

Also agree with pag

kim147 · 21/02/2015 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinklypink · 21/02/2015 16:29

Fedup you have absolutely no right to tell the OP that you know ANYTHING about her situation. You say that your family supported as did your friends so what you actually display is a startling lack of understanding that your situation is nothing like the OP who has no family.

Many people who have people who care for them and who prioritise them simply do not understand what it is like to have no one. OP will get there but her journey will NOT be like yours - it will take her longer and everything will be down to her - there will be no one there in the tough times boosting her confidence or showing her the way or paying her bills... It will just be her and she is strong enough without your hard knock life lessons - your lessons are irrelevant to her because you are failing to validate what she says about her situation.

I am 10yrs in as a sole parent albeit with one child. Still on a journey - despite therapy Wink as what I found was my therapist reassured me that I didn't want a family anyway as they are not that great... Perhaps I met Tinkerbell...

Anyhow - CSA - OP please don't take this wrong but it is crap and you can't rely on it. He could stop paying at any point plus you don't really want to hear from him that he is keeping you by him paying a greater amount.
However I think you've had bad advice (had similar myself - it's complex with savings) - please use this site - it's very reliable and I have used it very, very successfully for the last 10 years

www.entitledto.co.uk

Good luck OP. I have every faith that you can do this - tough times ahead I know but you are very strong and intelligent... Look how far you have come already

MadameJulienBaptiste · 21/02/2015 16:39

OP you rang a bell when you said something up thread about your husbands work being in a particular line of counselling.
I think I remember your thread from a while back.
well done on booting him out.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 16:52

Madame my husband isn't in counselling. Gosh Shock

Many many thanks for the lovely comments. Those who are adamant I'm a greedy and selfish woman who should be grateful for whatever crumbs STBX throws at me - well re read ilovesootys post. It is dangerous potentially for some women to read it.

I'm scared of my husband and what he's capable of and it took a hell of a lot for me to leave still. You might just be stopping somebody else doing so ...

I still have a crush on pag Grin

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2015 17:09

Good luck to you OP. Make sure you get decent legal advice.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 21/02/2015 17:11

Sorry, confusing you with another poster from last year!

When I left my abusive ex, I didn't have children. he earned a lot more than me and was financially Abusive. On leaving him my circumstances were much reduced, but somehow I seemed to have so much more money.
because I was able to prioritise and spend every penny myself. I think you'll be surprised how far the £1400 will go.