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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Lambzig · 21/02/2015 13:43

OP you are completely reasonable - it's not enough money. It absolutely sucks, do get yourself really good legal advice when you are ready. I also think you should be proud of your intelligent and distinctly non-hysterical response posts on this thread

I think posters need to remember that just because they recovered from similar circumstances by doing X, doesn't mean that X is the answer for everyone. Counselling/therapy is not the answer for everyone and people are able and do recover from dreadful circumstances without it.

Also, one of the key things about counselling (and psychotherapy) is that you do not give the client advice. Therefore, if those who are in the profession, in their own time choose to give an OP advice, it's fair enough. But in my opinion it's pretty off to then say that the OP should listen and their advice is right because they are a counsellor/therapist and call on those credentials.

Pag can I join the crush queue?

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 13:50

I suspect that the OP is less in need of counselling than she's ever been in her life. She's found the courage to throw this abusive twat out. Of course discovering how little he has to pay towards the upbringing of his children is a shock.
Some of the posters here should be ashamed.

RufusTheReindeer · 21/02/2015 13:57

YANBU

Thanks
newstart15 · 21/02/2015 14:04

"Of course discovering how little he has to pay towards the upbringing of his children is a shock"

The CSA is a set allowance as previously child maintenance was worked out on what costs a NRP had so it was very variable...HOWEVER it's likely that in the event of a financial settlement/divorce the OP will get more - i.e spousal maintenance for a period of time to help her through the early years of the children but each situation is different and the joint assets of marriage are taken into consideration. This can feel unfair on either gender - especially if the assets came from inheritance.

My friend was in a very similar situation - she had also inherited a large sum of money and was mortgage free. The court awarded her child maintenance at the 25% rate but she then also received SM so in affect her and her ex have similar amounts left over after housing costs. She did have to share some of the martial assets which felt difficult but in balance she has a good settlement and has enabled her to have a good life.

The advice to get legal input is very sensible as hopefully the OP will be reassured and feel less in shock.

This is however a good warning to couples who are not married as the is very little protection for the SAHP.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 14:09

What worries me is that there may be vulnerable women here struggling with abusive and manipulative partners who'll have read the less sympathetic and quite appallingly judgemental responses on this thread and be put off leaving them or throwing them out.
If the OP had read a similar thread before ending her marriage I think it's a fair bet that she'd not have found the inner resources to do what she's done.

pickledparsnip · 21/02/2015 14:09

I really don't see what tinkerball and fedup have said that is so bad.

OP it isn't fair that your ex has to pay so little from his wages, it is bloody unfair and bullshit. However, that is the amount, and you need to sit down and work out your expenses, and what things will have to take a cut. £1400 is loads to live on, I know it isn't much to you, but it should be more than enough. I think people with less find it quite hard to understand how you think it isn't enough. I can understand both sides and am as poor as a pilchard...pretty happy though. I am sure a happy mother and house will more than make up for the shortfall. It will just take time to adjust.

tiggytape · 21/02/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2015 14:19

YANBU. It sucks that it's such a small percentage of his income that he has to pay when you're taking the bulk of the responsibility.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2015 14:21

I am a bit less sympathetic now to the OP. I see she has an inheritance and of course her husband earns a substantial wage. So she isn't broke at all. I hope this will be a warning to all the 'his money is our money' brigade. Only till he leaves. If people think this is nasty then sorry. But it's a fact.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 14:25

He abused her financially while he was there. He sabotaged any attempt she made to work.
She doesn't claim to be "broke" - just worried about his future contribution to the children's upbringing.
Yes Viviennemary - I think that's nasty.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2015 14:28

Is it true though. Is a person's salary they have earned both people's money by law. No it isn't.

WereJamming · 21/02/2015 14:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 14:33

Exactly and as the OP said, it wasn't her decision to have the third child.
He's systematically ground her down and abused her for years. I sincerely hope the financial settlement gives a decent amount for the children's upbringing and that the OP having been able to end the marriage finds the confidence and wherewithal to work again when the children are older.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2015 14:33

It might feel unjust. But people have to wake up to the fact that as the law stands people haven't got the right to access a a person's salary even if they are living together and married. There is nothing to stop a man or woman having their salary paid into their own account and giving out money to the other person. It's great that many people don't do that but some do. And things change when people split up. So women should be aware they are in a vulnerable position if dependent completely or mostly on a man's salary long term.

ilovesooty · 21/02/2015 14:34

I'm sure she was aware. She didn't choose that dependency.

pickledparsnip · 21/02/2015 14:35

£800 is actually a lot. It isn't a lot in comparison to what her ex earns, but it is a lot. As the children get older things will become more expensive, but it will be easier to work as the children will be in school.

WereJamming · 21/02/2015 14:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanfairyanne · 21/02/2015 14:37

aibu at its best again i see Confused
wishing you well op, and get a good lawyer. i hope you get back on your feet soon, and yanbu

kim147 · 21/02/2015 14:38

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Sleepymorningcuddles · 21/02/2015 14:39

Yanbu.

Does STBX stand for sodding tosser bastard ex?

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2015 14:40

£800 is actually a lot

Not if you are taking home £4k a month.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2015 14:44

And it's not a lot if you have to pay all bills run a car buy food clothes and so on. And holidays. Even if you had no mortgage like the OP it would be a lot tighter than living on £4,000 a month. I'm not saying the OP can't vent but every time anybody tries to point out that women dependent financially on a man are vulnerable people all pile in with how nasty how horrible how could you.

WereJamming · 21/02/2015 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 14:47

I get £10 a week from tosser X'D'P towards raising our son, and he will often pull the trick of pretending that he gave me more last time. Then I have to decide whether I want to get dragged into a fight over £10.

But I wouldn't let my situation make me bitter and hateful towards those who seem to be in a less shit situation. It's still shit!

And it's been said already but even if the OP could pull a matching £800 a month from her backside, she'd have to pay it straight back out again in childcare. What's the point?

VixxFace · 21/02/2015 14:47

yanbu. He definitely should be paying more. I don't know the exact figure of how much he gets after tax but if its 4000 he should be giving you half of that.