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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
chachachar · 21/02/2015 10:55

"people on here are doing exactly what dh did"

they're abusers too, op, just keep that on perspective. You are not unreasonable you sadly have just attracted some of MN's guillotine knitters to the thread - don't let their joy in other people's misery affect what you know to be true.

ssd · 21/02/2015 10:56

I think once your ex realises he's lost his power over you and he cant control and belittle you anymore, he'll soon move on and find someone else who he can start to control

I dont think history will repeat itself, you've got the kids out and away from him whilst they are still young and full kudos to you for having the courage to do that

He'll probably try to pull all sort of shit in the break up, but a good lawyer will have seen his type before and will be able to advise you on how to handle it

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:56

Tinkerball you are sounding very defensive .
I think perhaps your own issues are colouring your reaction to what is being said here. I only gave you a top tip to help.
I'm only trying to help.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:57

I never said you were a victim OP, you must be getting me mixed up with someone else. Bro g on the receiving end of abuse doesn't automatically make you a victim. Most of the patients I know prefer to use the word survivor.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:57

There's a few - several really - things he WON'T want making public so to an extent I've got an ace card up my sleeve.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 21/02/2015 10:57

'Mn guillotine knitters' Grin

Spadequeen · 21/02/2015 10:58

From my own experience of a child of divorced parents, I lived with my mum and step dad and up to the age of around 13 my natural dad was my hero, e wasn't very rich but due to his job had plenty of cash. Times were obviously very different when I was a child, there were no flashy IT gadgets to bribe me with but there were plenty of other things to make him the cool parent. I do not know how my mum coped with this, but she always (to me) remained calm. It's only now that I realise that there was probably abuse going on, I don't know what it was but I think she had a really tough time.

As I got older, I realised what an absolute twat he was, and still is.

Be consistent for your children, they will learn what a twat and waste of space is is.

And ignore the idiots on here. Some people have ther own agenda and can't see beyond that.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:59

Be sarcastic all you like Pagwatch if that's what you want, I'm not defensive in the slightest.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:59

Yes, I like 'guillotine knitters' nearly as much as the concept that having a penis means life is more expensive Grin

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 11:01

Your ex sounds a psychopath OP and at the end of the day you've left him now which is the main thing.

ssd · 21/02/2015 11:01

tinkerbell, seriously, step away from the thread, you are doing yourself no favours here

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 11:01

Why thank you. I will.

fedupbutfine · 21/02/2015 11:02

oh good god, I have not insinuated you are mentally ill. It hadn't crossed my mind. You are over-thinking things.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 11:02
Grin

Yes, having a penis is expensive. They need nurturing. And space apparently

ssd · 21/02/2015 11:03

and op, dont forget not all men are gits, theres some really nice guys out there and I hope you end up with one of them.

CornChips · 21/02/2015 11:05

Thanks OP.

laughingmyarseoff · 21/02/2015 11:05

Unfortunately OP as he is an abuser he will be happy, despite being very able to pay more towards his children, to pay the CSA expected amount because a) it makes him look good in his eyes, doing as he 'should' and b) he knows you need/want more and it will give him glee.

You know he can afford more, he will never ever give any more and that's the amount he's stipulated to give so there's probably not much you can logistically do there. Yes, he should be paying more especially as your two youngest are not born yet or too small for school. I would get some good legal advice and see if there's nothing that can be done by way of keeping your assets from him, that way you end up with your inheritance and it's not shared.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 11:05

Hm! Im not sure I will ever meet one - I don't honestly think I want to!

Things are just fine as they are, honestly. I know not all men are twats but I just don't think I want one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 11:05

But I do have a girl crush on pag and a few others. - sorry.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2015 11:07

The MN monty python appreciation society strike again with a brilliant take on the four Yorkshire men sketch

Sums this thread up perfectly.

I'm completely with you OP. Your ex gets to carry on living to the standard to which he is accustomed whilst his children don't. Why should you have to consider benefits whilst he swans off with no real tangible financial contribution. Your not mentally ill, I don't think you are fixated, nor do I think you are being entitled or grasping. You just want a financial contribution towards your children's upkeep that reflects both the costs involved and their father's ability to pay.

And this thread has really shown some posters true colours. So much for the sisterhood.

ssd · 21/02/2015 11:07

theres a queue of mn posters with a crush on pag Grin

laughingmyarseoff · 21/02/2015 11:09

Oh and keep any communication from your ex which shows his true nature, it can be very useful later along the lines.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 11:10

Haha. I have so many many mumsnet crushes - we should have a section
Grin

There are some amazing women on here. Love em !

Chippednailvarnish · 21/02/2015 11:15

Bagsy Pag in the hope she's a bloke who looks like Keanu Reeves Grin

ssd · 21/02/2015 11:17

right, enough!

its getting cringey now