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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:42

Will do Pag - apologies.

I don't think I am bitter; I'm anxious, primarily about DS, at the moment. The younger two later of course.

OP posts:
ssd · 21/02/2015 10:42

and for anyone who is interested, counselling can be a load of utter crap, its sold as the answer to all our prayers but very rarely is

and the op doesnt want it, and this doesnt make her wrong, it makes her someone who knows her own mind and what she wants

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/02/2015 10:43

And it may be worth considering that some of the posters who are itritating you are coming from the perspective of shared experience and know how to recover from this.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:43

Twoodd socks, I didn't say I was a counsellor, I'm a therapist and my job isn't to give people advice, psychodynamic psychotherapy is the opposite of giving advice. What is it I have said you feel is so awful here?

needaholidaynow · 21/02/2015 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:44

Yes the but was to explain my thinking why I thought that shipwrecked!

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:44

I recovered the day I said 'leave' blessed.

No, really. Weight being lifted, that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:44

Add message | Report | Message poster BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas Sat 21-Feb-15 10:43:02
And it may be worth considering that some of the posters who are itritating you are coming from the perspective of shared experience and know how to recover from this.

Or it may be worth considering that they are badgering the op with unhelpful and negative shit because they are not very nice?

ssd · 21/02/2015 10:46

op, I'd be bitter in your shoes

I'd be bitter and hurt and worried sick, and also grieving for my lost family

dont let anyone here make you feel its somehow wrong to be feeling like this, you'd be a bloody saint if you didnt

TerryTheGreenHorse · 21/02/2015 10:47

Shouldn't a trained therapist know when the fuck to back off?

Im not a therapist and I do.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:48

Op , you are entitled to feel all those things you describe without having random son the Internet telling you that you need help.

Fwiw I think you sound incredibly composed and intelligent and you have dealt with the idiots on this thread with good grace (although with rather more attention than they deserve Smile)

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:49

Hahaha randoms not random son.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:49

Obviously I disagree with you Pagwatch, I do think I'm nice and thankfully the opinion of my patients (and to a lesser extent my boss!) matters more to me than yours. Suggesting counselling I don't feel is "negative shit" as you put it, OP doesn't want it then as I said fine, so something to keep in mind for the future if necessary.

Only1scoop · 21/02/2015 10:50

What Pag says with bells on Smile

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:50

Thanks ssd :)

I think there's just about enough water under the bridge that I don't, really, feel bitter about losing my family. My mum died when I was still at school. I barely remember her as a person. My dad - our relationship was very difficult after my mum died, and a lot of that (ah, hindsight is great!) is what drove me to my husband.

'D'H can be charming, funny, agreeable and pleasant. He can also be violent, cruel, sinister and unkind. He is the one damaged by his past - not I. I have skeletons in my closet of course, we all do.

It's because of this I'm scared. I know how powerful his 'nice' side is and I am worried, seven/eight years down the line, of history being rewritten in the way it has been on here. But that's out of my hands.

It'll get sorted I am sure!

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:51

I have backed off its everyone else that seems to want to keep it going now by having a go at me.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:51

Thank you. Grin

It's nice rediscovering this calm, intelligent and capable self.

She went missing a while back Wink

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:51

Ah no TerryTheGreenHorse ,it's psychodynamic psychotherapy .
It's the opposite apparently.
So I guess the idea is it just makes you want the therapist to fuck off?

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:52

And yes good luck OP, both in the short term and long term.

Kitsmummy · 21/02/2015 10:52

Op, just wanted to say I totally understand where you're coming from and wholeheartedly agree with you. £800 is fuck all from that salary. It may be fair if you were left with the same amount as him after feeding, housing and clothing the kids but obviously that's not going to happen that way. A lot of posters have an axe to grind I think, YANBU Flowers

And also, people should be ashamed at themselves repeatedly battering the Op after what she's said about her ex and what she's gone through. Whilst she's not spelling it out in black and white, it's fairly obvious what she's gone through, give her a break Angry

Marynary · 21/02/2015 10:52

I agree with you that £800 is not much considering that you have preschool children and would have to pay a lot for childcare in order to work. I think that CSA calculations should take childcare costs into account and high earners like your stbx should be paying a lot more. It's not as if he can't afford it.

Anyway, ignore all the rude and unsympathetic posts. I suspect some of them are probably men with their own agenda.....

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:53

Who's the victim now Tinkerball? Hmm

OP posts:
TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 10:53

Tinkerball

The tone of your posts is passive aggressive, sneery and very defensive in reaction to the OP not taking your advice. If I was in vulnerable emotional state I would find this even more traumatising and it would hurt my self esteem. Given that I'm not I simply find it irritating and offensive.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:53

Yes, keep that in mind Tinkerball, that when someone says they don't want counselling that means you stop suggesting it.

Top tip. You could put it on a little poster.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:54

Pagwatch you sound nasty now. All I said was psychodynamic psychotherapy is not based on giving patients advice which was in response to someone else's negative comment to me about giving advice.

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