To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

[Stardustnight]

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

tinkerbell, you remind me of the saying "where do you hide a tree, in a forest"

agree with the op, I wouldnt fancy coming to you for counselling

Not least for how much more important their own needs were to those of their children.

Indeed. Surely you assume, when you have kids, that your life will be impacted forever? That you won't have the freedom or finances you would otherwise enjoy? It's a serious, lifelong commitment. Most want to do the best they possibly can manage for their kids, not try to figure out how little they can get away with.

My ex DH was on the careful side but relatively decent around maintenance. I do remember, however, when he changed jobs and his income decreased so he proposed to decrease the maintenance by the same amount so his disposable income remained the same. He just couldn't see that he was expecting me to suddenly manage on less and that the cost of feeding and clothing the children wouldn't magically decrease as well.

There was always something slightly odd about the way he saw maintenance as some sort of gift of largesse that I ought to be jolly grateful for.

And therein lies the problem. OP, I don't think you are being remotely unreasonable. You've had a hideous time but you sound a very determined and intelligent woman and I'm sure you and your DC's will have a much better life in the long run. Good luck!

OP, the tax credits helpline is open today, it may put your mind at ease a little if you ring them with your information and see what they say.

www.gov.uk/government/organisations/hm-revenue-customs/contact/tax-credits-enquiries

The problem isn't yours OP, I never said that but getting help is not the same as saying its your fault. The only person responsible for that is your ex and yes there are no doubt he has issues but unfortunately these abusive and controlling men's issues can affect their partners psychogical health. This is not only my professional experience but personal to from my DS1s Dad, who was also abusive and which like you I was lucky enough to escape from.

you are putting obstacles in the way of your recovery - it's fine you don't want counselling but saying you can't go to counselling because you have no one to leave the children ignores the fact that there are services out there that take that kind of thing into account. Services with creches, support groups where children are welcome and cared for by volunteers for an hour, for example.

it isn't the cash sum but the injustice
how does focusing on the 'injustice' change anything? The system is what it is. We can campaign to change it but change won't happen over night - and there would be huge resistance. The OP still has to accept and move forwards. She wants empathy and sympathy but it actually doesn't help with the practicalities of what she is facing now.

I'd like the people who claim that £800 is more than enough for 3 DC to write down their projected costs (including childcare). If the OP cannot work then of course her child maintenance needs to cover her labour in looking after her children too. If she were to be working she would be paying around £2000 a month in childcare for her younger too plus extra for the older one in after school club. She would also have to pay for transport to nursery and school.

So the exH should be paying over £1000 just to cover the costs of looking after the children surely and that's before factoring in the costs of food, bills, clothes.

If her ex is very rich I think it's reasonable he should be paying more than the bare minimum to feed and clothe them but to provide them with extras such as swimming lessons, day trips extras. These things aren't necessary and not everyone can afford them but since he can he should pay.

As it is he i paying much less than half the cost of raising his children (taking into account OP's loss of earnings since she must be home with them). outrageous.

Ssd that doesn't bother me, based on a few posts on the Internet. Helping the people I do in my job is enough for me.

passive aggressive down to a fine art

Indeed it can Tinkerball and as such I have no doubt I have been affected, probably deeply, by his treatment of me.

What you can't seem to appreciate is that just now that is not the priority. Building a life for me, my two children and soon a third baby is. While counselling has its place my ultimate aim is to keep my children happy and secure.

There's a time for everything. The time to deal with my injured psyche will come but not now. Now is about going forwards, not back.

This all stems from you thinking I expected 'more' because he was an abuser; I don't. I expected more because he earns more - far, far more.

Thank you for replies. Some of them are very useful with regard to the monetary situation.

Stardust, you have come in for some really nasty comments on here. It doesn't matter that some women get nothing, just because you will get something doesn't mean you should be grateful and that it's ok.

You have hinted a lot about the abuse you have gone through, none of that is anybody's business. The point is the amount that stbx has to pay is unfair compared to his earnings. He could contribute double that and still have a very good lifestyle. Maybe as the children get older and you could go back to work, the amount he then pays could decrease, but as things stand right now, it is shit.

I'm not ill fedup.

This is scaring me. It really, genuinely is frightening.

People on here are doing what DH did. EXACTLY what he did.

Tinkerball

I sincerely hope that if you are actually a professional, which to be honest I seriously doubt, you behave with more consideration and professionalism than you have displayed on here.

You sound by turn churlish,resentful, bullying, passive aggressive and arrogant.
That's not normal in your field is it?

Good god there are some weirdoes on this thread cough fedup cough tinkerbell. I would hate to come to either if you for counselling, your comments here alone have put me off ever seeing a counsellor. (What if I didn't want to follow the advice of a counsellor would they argue me down and critisisize me for it during the rest of our sessions?) Awful awful unhelpful comments.

'Professional counsellor'
Really

Be like going to a dentist who has no teeth.

Comingintomyown, totally agree. Posters sneering at the op that she should be finding a job, at her stage of pregnancy and with two other children - is ridiculous. I am also keen to know where posters think op will miraculously find this job, after having been out of work for some time, and I am sure employers will be lining up to employ a very pregnant woman Also, do you think this is best for the children after all they have been through? Abusive household, daddy leaves then they get left in childcare? Hmmm.

Anyway, as I said before op, I do hope that you have some luck with TC. Also, at the end of the day this was an online calculator - who knows if its accurate, or indeed if he will stick to paying just the bare minimum. Only time will tell.

Stardustnight.

please, please ignore Tinkerball and fedup.

They have their own issues and agenda and are obviously not very nice people.

I don't think Tinker has been offensive - she identified that OP may need some counselling which may well be indicated ...
OP was wrong to say that it costs - it doesn't - their is a service called LetsTalkWellbeing accessed through GP.
Because OP has has had endured trauma does that mean everyone has to agree that she is not bu in her views of maintainence?
I am sorry OP has had trauma - many people on here have had trauma and many of those would see that £1400 without mortgage and tax credits (which OP will almost certainly be eligible for )is a decent amount on which to raise her children.
Remaining preoccupied and bitter with what ex has to live on achieves nothing and helps nobody ... Counselling however may help.
You may not want to hear that - but it is the truth .

Well I apologise then but it was based on your fixation with the "unfairness" of it (which I totally get!) "only" being £800 compared to his income and it being linked to his abusive treatment of you. As I said I'm sorry it felt I was ordering you around which is the last feeling you need after what your DH did. But I do understand it's not a priority which is what I meant by getting on a waiting list now and then things at least practically will have been dealt with and settled down by the time you come to the top.

I notice nobody, who claims she is BU has written down projected costs and is able to project how the OP's husband could possibly be seen to be paying 50% towards his kids on £800 a month. Clearly it needs to include childcare (unless he's taking the kids for 50% of the working week). Some incredibly anti-feminists statements here. Just because there are other dads who are even more useless than OP's OP should be grateful?

I hope you get a huge settlement in your divorce. If you give up (or permanently damage) your job prospects by staying home thereby allowing your partner to succeed in their career you should be compensated in the event of a divorce.

Op- I haven't quite read all the thread, because quite frankly, some of it has been absolutely vile, but I hoped that this might help with what I feel may be the root of the issue:

I got minimal maintenance from xh, for a few years, then nothing at all, (particularly after I met DH). It enraged me, but not because some money would've helped- of course it would, but, y'know, I managed- but because it meant that he could do precisely what you are worried about. He bought ds1 every gadget under the sun- a mobile phone (when ds1 was 9!!), iPad, laptop, games machines, iPod. It upset me so much, that I could barely give ds1 what he needed, let alone all these expensive gifts.

But here's the thing- although ds1 loved his father (xh died, last year)- it wasn't the expensive presents he remembers best now. What he remembers- and remarks upon even now, at the age of 19, 15 years after my divorce- are the things we did together. What fun we had (even with little money). That I was there to help with homework/go on school trips/soothe him at night when he had bad dreams. And the present he remembers the most fondly is the (cheap) radio cassette player I gave him one Christmas.

I know how you feel. But you sound like a good, caring, loving person to me. Your children will grow up knowing the right things, and will recognise any expensive gifts from your xh for what they are.

I hope things go well for you.

Some counsellors are great but it does really illustrate the importance of finding the 'right' one.

You see, fedup I am not ill. I'm sick and pukey and tired but I'm certainly not mentally ill. How very dare you insinuate I am and that by not taking your advice I am 'delaying' my recovery?

If I have to take these children into the fucking forest and shoot rabbits for them, I will. We'll survive. It doesn't make it fair - and by pointing this out, I have a mental illness?

And let's not forget, I am also a 'victim' according to you. Choosing to be a victim, wasn't it?

Gosh some of the posters on here are unsympathetic cows! Leave OP alone! I hope everything gets sorted OP for you xx

No she didn't blessed.

She suggested it in an 'well you are not accepting what I say so you must need counselling' which is passive aggressive and unnecessary.

And posting 'well I'm surprised at how low maintainence is' is hardly 'remaining preoccupied and bitter'

'Well I apologise then but..'