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Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 21/02/2015 10:13

Op I think you need to forget the maintenance and work out how you are going to manage without it. Because if he is as big a shit as he sounds then there is a good chance he wont pay it, at least not until there is a deduction of earnings order placed on his salary which can take months. If he wants to play silly buggers it could easily be a year before you see a penny.

So the best thing to do is look again at entitledto.com. Owning the houses is irrelevant, its the income they give you that counts. Also if he has a fat pension and you suspect big savings then that is a good place to start negotiations with you keeping the properties and not claiming any of that.

You need to see a solicitor asap. An abusive man is not going to do the right thing or be reasonable in a divorce, you can pretty much guarantee the opposite. If your abuse has been documented then you can claim legal aid, so it shouldnt cost you a fortune.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 21/02/2015 10:13

Counselling is not always available on demand from the NHS!

OP. You will be ok, but I totally agree that your STBX is being a tosser, he is absolutely not taking half of the responsibly for the children! He can afford it but sticks to what the Governemnt current suggest is the minimum payment.

Have you taken good legal advice? The CAB are very helpful even if just to be someone double checking your calculations. Legal advice is expensive but you really need to invest in that for the children and you should have spousal for at least an interim period. I know it sticks in your throat but making a claim might mean you can offset it against him taking more capital from your marriage then needed.

Take care OP. X

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:14

How is suggesting someone who has been left traumatised by a violent marriage could benefit from counselling nasty?

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:14

I am sorry, OP, this isn't helping

Fedupbutfine.

Well quite. Hmm

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:15

And I never said counselling was available on demand either but you won't know what's available and what the waiting list is until you go to your GP.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/02/2015 10:16

Erm , yabvu.

needaholidaynow · 21/02/2015 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilikemysleep · 21/02/2015 10:17

I am shocked to find that my dh would only have to pay 233 a week for our 4 kids out of his 6 figure salary if we separated, leaving him struggling on a couple of thou a week for himself. Why is so little expected of the nrp? I had no idea. Op I have every sympathy; it isn't the cash sum but the injustice.

ApocalypseThen · 21/02/2015 10:18

I don't see that the amount he is paying is fantastically low.

I think the fact that all he can bring himself to do is the legal minimum is shocking and I struggle to accept the endorsement his attitude to his own children has here.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:18

Sadly one of the long term effects is a kind of learned helplessness - if someone tells you are no good you start to believe it, which is what I meant by saying you don't seem to want to help yourself OP. I'm sorry if you see that as "trying to order you around" which was not my intention at all.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:19

Tinkerball

How is suggesting someone who has been left traumatised by a violent marriage could benefit from counselling nasty?

I know I know!

If it's not welcome. If it's offered in a faintly sneery 'well you seem touchy' way. If it's made into an issue when the offer has been repeatedly and calmly declined. If it's done with the air of someone who is irritated by its rejection. If the person offering makes the offer about them and not the unwilling recipient.

ssd · 21/02/2015 10:19

sorry you got such a kicking here op

if I was you I'd hide the thread and discuss your situation, financially, with CAB to see if theres anything they can suggest

as for still loving your ex, just a bit, and wishing he would see what he's done, I feel for you.

he just doesnt sound very nice, and you seem to be vulnerable and alone.

do you have some nice friends around you? I really hope so.

I dont know if its a thing you'd consider, but surestart is often quoted on here as being really helpful to women when their backs are to the wall, it might be worth googling to see if there's one in your area, I think the offer a bit of support emotionally when times get tough.

or maybe join your local mumsnet local thing here? you might make some friends who can support you there.

good luck x

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 21/02/2015 10:19

Your ex is not supposed to totally finance your children - it's a joint responsibility - just because your ex earns well it does not mean that he should cover every expense .

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:20

I don't think you are being nasty Tinkerball but nor are you being helpful. You are fixating on the counselling when this is not what my thread is about and furthermore, as I have explained, I don't want it, if I did I'd have to wait, probably many months, and I don't have anyone to have my daughter.

I have sole care of the children, one of whom is without a shadow of a doubt unable to be left alone. Soon that will be two - a fifteen month old and a newborn.

Please, can that be the end of 'helpful' suggestions that I seek counselling to deal with my issues? As I don't have them: STBX does, though.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:21

It wasn't meant in a sneery way, and it wasn't calmy declined either. As I said fine she doesn't want it, she doesn't want it.

lacksdirection · 21/02/2015 10:21

I sympathise with you OP. Not particularly because of the amount of maintenance you are or are not entitled to, but because anyone who finds themselves in a position where they are relying so heavily on maintenance payments from their children's father, whether paid through the CMO/CSA or by mutual agreement is, imo, in a very precarious and insecure financial position.
I have heard too many cases where the NRP stops paying and it can take a long time to sort out.
I wish you well OP. I hope your xp has enough morals to consistently contribute through a system which does precious little to adequately support their children if the NRP decides not to bother.
I'd far rather work towards becoming self sufficient financially since despite being unfair, would give you peace of mind. If you could find a way to become self sufficient financially, you'd be free of relying heavily on the maintenance.

pressone · 21/02/2015 10:21

Stardust
You need proper legal advice here. It used to be the case that CSA had a ceiling above which the non resident parent (NRP)'s income was ignored and a court would decide on how much the maintenance should actually be. There is also the factor that you may be entitles to some spousal maintenance whilst your children as very small. It would probably only be paid for a limited time before you were expected to find work.

Things have moved on a lot since I last used the CSA calculator and the ceiling may not be in play any more but please get proper legal advice.

I know itr is bad form but please have a look at the "wikivorce" website (don't use their calculator or legal services but their advice is pretty good.

Your STBX may be legally obliged to support your family more than the CSA calculator allows for but in your specific circumstances you need specific not generalised advice.

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:21

Apocalypse

I know. If I found out that one of my brothers or make friends were going to pay the same in similar circumstances I would be shocked and massively disappointed in them. Not least for how much more important their own needs were to those of their children.

ApocalypseThen · 21/02/2015 10:22

Your ex is not supposed to totally finance your children - it's a joint responsibility - just because your ex earns well it does not mean that he should cover every expense .

And there's no danger of that on £800 a month for three children. Phew!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/02/2015 10:22

Oh, and also ignore any posts from posters who clearly have not bothered to read the whole thread but just decide to post in response to your opening post anyway.

In amoungst all the venom there has been some helpful advice too. I am glad you are checking out TC on Monday.

Also, I am sure there will be times when the flashy money does make your ex to be a cool parent but do not under estimate how important you always being there for the tough times will count with your kids. No money can ever but that xx

kim147 · 21/02/2015 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minionmadess · 21/02/2015 10:23

I do hope that Karma doesn't comes around to bite some of you on the bum... or maybe I do actually.

Being nasty is a vile trait towards someone in the OP situation. She has stated more than once that she knows she is more fortunate than some, and that she will be ok financially in time, but still some of you keep kicking her when she is down... mob mentality is alive kicking on MN!

OP, Yes of course you are entirely to blame for your situation Confused

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:23

Of course it was calmly declined!

Do you know what Tinkerball for someone who apparently counsels women through abusive relationships you have some worrying things in common with my husband. Do you know that's what he used to do? Tell me I needed professional help, accuse me of getting hysterical, not discuss issues with me but keep insisting the problem was mine , that I was the one in need of help.

I am genuinely concerned at the fact you state this is what you do for a living.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:23

Anyway I hope you have a lawyer.

comingintomyown · 21/02/2015 10:25

It's isnt the cash sum but the injustice

Exactly that and I am surprised so many posters seem unable to grasp this plus how on earth is someone who is pregnant with two young children meant to provide any meaningful income ?