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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised at how little STBX will have to pay

999 replies

Stardustnight · 20/02/2015 22:11

STBX is on a very good salary indeed and his living costs are low.

Despite this, according to the CSA calculator he will only have to pay £800 a month for 3 children, which compared to the amount of money he actually has, isn't a lot - £200 a week.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling mildly disgruntled and short changed? Or am I grabby and entitled ?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 09:57

Stardustnight

Honestly, don't come back to the thread. Some posters just get their jollies from this stuff. It's like 'misery loves company' times 1,000,000.

It is ridiculous how little you will get but as other, more helpful posters have advised, you can get more support and you will manage.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2015 09:58

It's all subjective isn't it.

If someone told me that I could only use 1600 or 800 towards 3 of my children's upbringing I would be horrified and panicking about needing to use state residential care.

That wouldn't even cover a weeks worth of carers

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 09:58

Thank you, some :)

We didn't exactly 'decide' to have two more children; I certainly didn't decide to have number3; I will put it that way.

However, he or she is 'here' now if only in the abstract.

If we had to live in one room and eat soup like the Hummels it could be done, it would be done, but the point is that it isn't really strictly speaking fair.

But ... I'm still better off, I know.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 21/02/2015 09:59

I sympathise OP

My sister was in an abusive relationship (emotional and financial) with her children's dad who was also having affairs behind her back.

My sister found the courage to leave him and finds it very difficult that he only has to hand over 20% of his wage to enable her to take proper care of his children. He barely has anything to do with them since she left.

The system does seen very unfair at times.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:00

3 - indeed.

I managed to keep at it until 2011 but every attempt I made got sabotaged. You get tired of trying after a while.

I'm sure I will work again soon and already have some plans but it's not going to be earning much and it isn't as straightforward as some of you think it is!

Thanks again pag x

OP posts:
GailTheGoldfish · 21/02/2015 10:00

If you'd have posted solely about your abusive marriage and many bereavements you'd have been inundated with messages of support. But because many people can't see past their own issues around money you've had some disgusting responses. I wish you all the best. Get a lawyer to protect as many of your assets as possible and good advice regarding benefits. Your ex is free to invest and earn as he wishes to support himself, you need to make sure you hang on to everything you can to see you through the next few years and longer Flowers

Pagwatch · 21/02/2015 10:00

Well thank you for those comments FireflySerenity.

I would like to reply but my tolerance for bollocks just evaporated. I will leave you to your concern that the man can start a new with a spring in his step and a joyous consideration of his life ahead while the wife is fucked because, well she asked for it didin't she.

chachachar · 21/02/2015 10:01

what an absolutely vile thread.

I seriously hope none of the ladies posting for help to leave abusive husbands on the relationships board read yhia thread because it is absolutely hateful woman bashing of the highest order.

I'm disgusted by some of you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/02/2015 10:04

Wtf are some people on? Nasty, petty "if I don't have something you can't either"?! Just fuck off unless you have something sensible to contribute.

Op, I understand the CSA calculator has a cap on it and isn't really designed for people with large incomes like your stbxh. You would probably be better off make a private arrangement through the courts whereby he pays a more sensible proportion of his income towards his children.

What does your solicitor say?

MissDuke · 21/02/2015 10:04

Op, what a time of it you have had Sad A long abusive marriage, as well as losing the three people closest to you. Without any support from your husband. How many people would cope with that?

Op, I would be shocked if you couldn't get tax credits. I have never been asked about savings or what my house is worth when claiming them, and don't recall ever reading anything about that either. Hopefully we will get more than you anticipate.

I suspect though that even if you got 2k in TC, it still wouldn't make you feel better. I think you are more focussed on how this horrific situation has not had a detrimental effect on DH, which is understandable given that it is his doing. I do think though that somehow you need to forget about that and just be glad to be away from him. At the end of the day, you have no mortgage which is bound to reduce the amount he has to pay, as he is literally just supporting the children's costs, which realistically would not exceed £800 a month would they? This will be topped up with child benefit and hopefully tax credits, so you will be fine.

Obviously there is a lot of emotion and psychological trauma involved here that is effecting your reaction to this situation, hence why some posters are not 'getting' it. Just ignore them.

chachachar · 21/02/2015 10:04

good luck op xx

comingintomyown · 21/02/2015 10:04

Some really charming people have posted on this thread

In terms of your OP it's not relevant what income or assets you have, him paying £800 for three DC whilst keeping £3,000 for himself is unreasonable. Factor in that he will also continue to build his career and not have the weight of responsibility of raising 3 DC and I would say he's sitting pretty.

I would try and focus on fighting your corner for a good settlement in the divorce as in terms of how much he pays as maintenance that will be set by the CSA . Invest in a good solicitor who specialises in family law and maybe you can offset the crap reality of your monthly maintenance with a decent share of the pot.

You have my sympathy as going through divorce, even when it's the right thing, is incredibly hard much less when you're pregnant - I just can't imagine it to be honest. On top of that to not be able to share bringing up your DC because of the way he is means you won't have any breaks plus no family to support you.

Well done for having the courage to end your marriage and although you've a rough ride ahead for a few months I think you have the basis to build a good life for yourself no matter how difficult that may be to envisage right now

Only1scoop · 21/02/2015 10:04

Yes Op as I said earlier of course it's all relative and that is what you were asking about in your original post.

It's outrageously low based on his earnings....although apparently he could be sleeping in his car if your greedy demands are met Confused

You have had some utterly laughable advice ....selling off your assets straight away etc....great idea ....sure Op wants to be arrested for dodgy dealings whilst pregnant and divorcing who sounds like an abusive twunt.

Some posters have offered some sound advice with good intentions and I'd review all your financial situation with fresh eyes again this week.

Whether or not Op will look at counselling is up to her. Op personally it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.... I hope you have some good friends in Rl to support you through this horrendous time.

As for the presumption that Op is so lucky to have all this 'inheritance' etc Hmm

You have been very honest on here Op and got a slating for it.

Step away.

Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:04

Right fine, I have not been horrible or vile but you don't seen to want to help yourself. You don't want therapy fine that's your choice of course but I was just trying to be helpful. I counsel women who have been through abuse and need to come to terms with it, and it can be hugely beneficial.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 10:05

YANBU. This thread is absolutely ridiculous. The OP clearly can't afford to work with two under two her ex should be covering half the cost of her labour in looking after the children full time in addition to half the costs of feeding and clothing them. Why should the OP have to look after the children full time AND fund half the costs of necessities. The fact that she can afford to live off the money she's got is irrelevant.

It shouldn't be the case that one parent provides childcare 100% (or 90% or whatever) of the time AND funds half the cost of the children. That's outrageous.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:06

Many, many thanks. It's true the CSA has a cap on it - I like to think that he wouldn't want to see the children go without but you just never, ever know.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:06

And I agree with MissDuke.

TwoOddSocks · 21/02/2015 10:06

Some really horrible unpleasant replies here no wonder OP is getting annoyed. Most of the unpleasant replies seem motivated by jealousy. Yes OP is "lucky" to have no mortgage but that doesn't mean her ex shouldn't have to support his family. She shouldn't have to use up all of her savings to support her kids while he swans off on luxury holidays.

Original poster
Stardustnight · 21/02/2015 10:08

Tinkerball, I am fine. I am stressed, sick and spotty but FINE.

I don't want to wait for therapy.

I have no one to have the baby while I receive therapy.

Thank you for your comments but all you have done is insult me and order me around. Not helpful.

I am helping myself. I got him out, didn't i?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/02/2015 10:09

Flowers op, I do understand.

I agree that posting in AIBU was a mistake. Many posters here are in it for the bun fight, especially on a Friday night.

I would check out 'relationships' as many posters there are also going through similar things. If you ever feel you could seek support on MN again, that's the place to go.

And step away from this thread. Sadly, you are never going to convince some here that you are not being unreasonable. And why should you? In the end, we are all strangers who don't know the full truth of it and the judgements here mean nothing xx

fedupbutfine · 21/02/2015 10:09

Being left with only £3,200 is likely to mean he has to sleep in his car.
Much better the wife and children are fucked. That's getting the order of things right

But nor is the OP living in her car or even having to go into temporary accommodation. She has her own income and is receiving maintenance (or will receive it). She is also eligible to receive Tax Credits and possibly other benefits but appears to have been badly advised (or hasn't presented the full, financial picture, up to her). They are not 'fucked' either, are they?

I am sorry, OP, this isn't helping. I hope the sickness subsides and things get a little easier for you. Just focus on you now, not him and what he may or may not have.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/02/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

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Tinkerball · 21/02/2015 10:12

Moving how have I been nasty? Confused

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 21/02/2015 10:12

Sorry Tinkerbell I didnt mean to post that - I've just asked for it to be deleted

peggyundercrackers · 21/02/2015 10:12

I don't see that the amount he is paying is fantastically low. You don't have a mortgage so therefor the payments are purely for the children - why should he pay more if you aren't putting in the same amount? Why not sell one of your 3 properties and use that money to support yourself instead of moaning about what he gives you?

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