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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family angry over name change

81 replies

hopingforamiracle · 20/02/2015 11:50

I've always hated my first name, it's a difficult to pronounce/spell Welsh name that I also think is hideous. My father speaks Welsh, and so he mostly chose it and convinced my mother to go along with it. I also have an ugly welsh middle name, but it's a bit easier to pronounce and spell.

Anyway, I decided to change my first and middle name legally, and my family are angry about it, think it's stupid and mock me. They still call me by my old name, and my father told me I was being disrespectful to him for changing it. and he would never ever call me anything but my birth name.

As a kid growing up, I always wanted a pretty name that didn't make me stand out, like Chloe or Emily. I felt ugly because of my name and it just constantly reminds me of the difficult childhood I had with my home life and at school. Nobody is supportive of my name change which makes me feel like my choices and opinions don't matter. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 20/02/2015 23:00

I've just discussed it with my mother again, we argued and my mother told me she will call me *** whether I like it or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 20/02/2015 23:03

I'm so angry and upset. Now she will tell her boyfriend and I'll get a load of verbal abuse.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 20/02/2015 23:03

That's a shame op. But - you have changed your name now, the wider world will call you by the name you have chosen. Your family are likely to come round, given time. For now I would focus on the positives - wider world knowing you as X name.

HootOnTheBeach · 20/02/2015 23:08

Perhaps step away and let them cool off. Don't talk to them for a bit? You don't have to put up with verbal abuse, that's horrendous!

GoadyGeisha · 20/02/2015 23:13

YANBU

You can choose any damn name you like, you're the one who has to live with it.

You cant force your family to call you by your chosen name though.

(I love the name Cerys btw for those who were given that name)

AlpacaPicnic · 20/02/2015 23:13

It's funny isn't it... I'd love a Welsh name but my mum, who is Welsh, had a very unusual name (which is actually French!) so she was determined to give me a 'normal' name.
I suppose some people (thinking of actors and other dramatic types) grow into the challenge of an unusual name and some people would rather not stand out, especially if they are bullied over it.

I'm sorry that your name has been difficult to live with, and I'm even sorrier that your family cannot understand that. Had you mentioned before you changed it that it was something you were considering doing? It's just, if you've hated it all your life then you've had 20+ years of wishing and dreaming that it was different and that's a long time to get used to an idea. But your family might not understand exactly how strongly you feel about it, especially if you've bottled up your feelings to avoid hurting theirs.

Original poster
hopingforamiracle · 20/02/2015 23:46

I feel like giving up, life is too much for me. I was a damaged child and now I've grown into a damaged adult.

OP posts:
LRB978 · 20/02/2015 23:50

OP, could you point out to your dad that, actually, you have kept the names you were given at birth - out of respect to both your parents and your heritage - you have just swapped them around. And that if you didnt respect them, you would quite happily have chosen a different name altogether and an English one at that! Unfortunately stubborn people can be stubborn for the sake of it, but it may help.

GoadyGeisha · 20/02/2015 23:52

Oh hoping please don't feel like that Sad

Have you considered talking therapies to help you come to terms with your childhood? Moving away from home and the negative influences will hopefully also enable you to become the person you want to be. You have already made a start by changing your name to one you want rather than the one you were given.

LRB978 · 20/02/2015 23:55

x-post, a lot :( I think that I would just fail to respond when they addressed me by any name but that which I was happy to go by. However I am (only a few years) older, and over the past 5 years have learnt that actually, I am the one who is important, for me, to me, and that I dont have to acquiesce for a decent life (although it does tend to be quieter if I do).

You are not a damaged adult though Hoping, you are just an adult in a difficult situation. I will keep my fingers crossed the HA can help you out.

TemporaryMe · 20/02/2015 23:57

YANBU.

I did the same thing a few years ago. My family still call me by my old name and I'm okay with that but I don't see them that often. I hope your family come around but in the mean time enjoy your new name.

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/02/2015 00:05

MorrisZapp
Welsh is aphonetic language so the names are pronounced as spelled
My DDs both have beautiful middle Welsh names .Had they been born/brought up in Wales they would have been their first names . DD1 loves hers, DD2 does not , but did say the other day she likes it better than she used to. We gave them fairly classic first names.
I would be extremely hurt/upset if they dropped them, but your wishing to do so is obviously indicative of much deeper issues

Callooh · 21/02/2015 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shhhhhhhh · 21/02/2015 00:27

Oh gosh... I hated my name, carefully and lovingly chosen by my mother, as a teenager. It was far too unusual and posh at the time (although it is turning up a lot on the baby names forum nowadays!). I started using my more classic middle name to be more ordinary. Then went the other way and hyphenated the two at one point. Now, I love it. My lovely mum never questioned it. YANBU.

I really wouldn't mind if my son wanted to rename himself Zapf-Chancery-Doodlebug or John. Or if he changed his surname too. The only thing that would hurt me would be if he "deleted" all the names I gave him. It would be kinder to add names, rather than change them.

That said, it sounds like there is much more to this. No one should be verbally abusing you for wanting to change your name or disrespecting your decision.

Shhhhhhhh · 21/02/2015 00:30

Oh perhaps I misunderstood - I thought you changed both names, but maybe you meant you swapped them?

Tinklypink · 21/02/2015 00:41

I was in the same position 20 odd years ago.

Just do it... My family still call me by my old name - I ignore. This year I will have been my new name for as long as I was my old name.

Please just choose a name you love... I went with my middle name which suits me but if your family are going to be upset and it's no better please just choose something that makes you happy.

And then do it legally

TiredButFine · 21/02/2015 00:48

Bobbins. Did not read tge thread but changed my name at 18.
It needs to be a name you like.
It's ypur moniker, ot's every day for ypu. If everyone else wants to make a big deal- their business.

LaLyra · 21/02/2015 01:27

I switched to my middle name years ago. I didn't have a lot to do with my parents by that point, but they were both incandescent when they found out. My grandparents struggled with it, no in a 'we don't think you should change it' way, but just simply getting used to me having another name (much the same as when I married they still thought of me as LaLyra Maidenname because it was what they were familiar with).

A lot of the time I was Starlight with family and middle name elsewhere. The fact they wouldn't, or couldn't (my grandad had dementia) get used to it didn't mean that for the 99% of my life that I wasn't with them I couldn't have my choice of name.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/02/2015 01:51

I hate my name, always have, it is a frumpy, ugly name. I haven't changed it because I am lazy mainly, and worried about reactions too I suppose.

My Dsis has changed hers, and now married so none of her birth name remains. I try to use the new name but I think we all forget sometimes. I know that annoys her but nobody does it out of spite, more a slip of the tongue in normal conversation. Your family are being vile!

Because of the way I feel about my own name I wouldn't mind at all if my DC decided to alter, or completely change theirs at any point.

Well done op, I wish I could be so brave!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/02/2015 01:54

Oh, my DH has also changed his name to a nickname I use for him. Most of our friends and family use the new name, most of his family use his old name, he answers to both as isn't really fussed. But that's the important part - he isn't fussed, if he was then he would expect them to use the new one or not talk to him!

TheMaddHugger · 21/02/2015 04:50

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) OP.

I dont know how to help. Im a long way away from you across the waters.

Is religion a part of your parents life ? Can a Pastor talk to them for you ?

sashh · 21/02/2015 06:42

This sounds like a power game more than a name change.

Your dad sounds like my mum, everything was on her terms. If it is the same your dad doesn't care what your name actually is, he cares that you are taking some authority from him.

I bet he comments on your clothes too. My mum would never say anything about what I was wearing unless it was a skirt/dress, then she would tell me I looked nice. But the looks, oh the looks she would give.

Stick with your new name, refuse to answer to your old one, and depending on how you can cope with confrontation call your dad something else, a name he doesn't like, tell him you have chosen it as it means a lot to you and you will be insulted if he doesn't like it. Possibly just 'dad' in another language, tata is dad in a number of languages, according to google translate the Zulu id 'ubaba', maybe call him that.

chrome100 · 21/02/2015 07:02

I too had a hideous first name. I am now known by my middle name. It angers me so much when I read the baby names threads and people come up with some horrid names in the interests of being "unique". They're not the ones saddled with the name. YANBU.

wheresthelight · 21/02/2015 07:04

I grew up hating my name and the fact my mum has always told me she wanted to call me something else that was much prettier and nicer imo but dad refused and vito'd it on the basis the nickname associated with the other name was the name of his ex girlfriend.

if your name has made you so very unhappy then you are absolutely right to change it. your dad is being an arse but to be honest as a parent I can understand why he is hurt. he is taking this as you rejecting him rather than your name.

Don your big girl pants and hoick them up high, tell him you love him, you appreciate that hr doesn't agree with your decision but it is yours to make. it's the name you hate not him and tell him you love him and you are sorry he is hurt but it is something you have to do and you hope he will try and understand

Mehitabel6 · 21/02/2015 07:30

Same here, chrome - they have some lovely, ordinary name themselves and they land their poor child with something 'creative' ' that they have to have a lifetime of either spelling or explaining.
It isn't surprising that some change it as soon as they can. YANBU.

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