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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:

pictish · 23/02/2015 20:08

What if he did? That would be for them to work out between themselves. No-one's forcing him...not the bride, the groom or anyone else. Their holiday situation is nothing to do with the wedding couple and isn't their responsibility. They're still allowed to arrange a wedding however they please and invite who they want. They're not doing it to piss people off ffs.
Good grief yourself.

salthill · 23/02/2015 20:19

What do you mean "that would be for them to work out themselves"?
What the bloody hell is this thread about then, the OP asked if she was being unreasonable to think the whole thing was pretty shitty. I don't get your point. Had the OP no right to ask us? Jeeze.

salthill · 23/02/2015 20:26

They're not doing it to piss people off ffs.
Well they must be stupid then, most people on this thread think the same as well ffs.

pictish · 23/02/2015 20:38

Not at all. I'm questioning you and your "let them stew for a reply" because you think they've been rude.
I'm saying they haven't been rude, and making them stew would be needlessly petty and churlish, as well as bloody egotistical.
Asking is allowed, saying no is allowed, no one has been rude to ask, and no one needs to be rude regarding a reply.
It's all good.

Charley50 · 23/02/2015 20:45

Course the B&G have been rude, or are just a bit stupid, as a pp wrote a while back. But Patience we've got no patience, we need to know the next installment!

salthill · 23/02/2015 21:09

You don't think it's rude to ask one half of a couple to a wedding in Italy, and stay for a week in a villa at his own expense, thereby using up some of his own annual leave and maybe causing the person not invited to not get a holiday. It's not just unbelievably rude, it's selfish, grabby, self centered and totally lacking in any sort of thought to the problems you could be causing. It seems strange that you question my "let them stew" remark, but not their so so rude wedding invitation. Only on mumsnet.

pictish · 23/02/2015 21:18

Well...I don't see couples as being joined at the hip like a single entity that's unable to survive a week without one another, so I can't get a steam up about it.
The groom goes way back with him, but they don't know her all that well...they have limited places, so meh.

pictish · 23/02/2015 21:21

And they don't know they're causing anyone to not get a holiday - all they've done is issue an invite - that's all. So long as they're ok with a no, no harm done...right?

pictish · 23/02/2015 21:33

Or should I be tearing at my clothes and frothing at the mouth over their rudeness?
Nah.

salthill · 23/02/2015 21:34

Most couples aren't "joined at the hip" as I'm sure the OP isn't. However she's said that they're buying a house together, so it's not a matter of surviving a week without the other. its about what they can afford and the OP maybe not being able to have a holiday with her partner because their holiday budget and also a chunk of his annual leave has been used up. As for the groom going way back with him, so what, it's only manners to invite his partner as well. As for limited spaces why not then invite both and ask them to rent their own place. I wonder why he wouldn't do that? Oh yes he wants his long standing friend to cough up towards his villa.

pictish · 23/02/2015 21:39

So they simply decline...and everyone gets on with their day. Super.

Original poster

patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 21:45

Re the joined at the hip part, it's really not about that :s

Purely conjecture, but I have very good reason to believe that if this situation was reversed and it was us issuing the invite, it would go down like a lead balloon. In fact I'd put money on this bride 'frothing'.

But that's irrelevant anyway :) I'm just causing trouble now :o

Charley DP is playing football on Thursday if it helps to know when I can update :o

OP posts:

salthill · 23/02/2015 21:49

Yes Pictish thats what's going to happen. However the Op had posted if she was being unreasonable calling their behaviour shitty.Out of about 360 posts I'd say the majority including me thought she wasn't. But hey you think different. It doesn't matter, I think the OP has got the general consensus.

salthill · 23/02/2015 21:52

Can't wait to hear their reaction Patience

Charley50 · 23/02/2015 22:23

Thanks for the heads up Patience ! .

Charley50 · 23/02/2015 22:25

Was that the right use of 'heads up?' It's not a phrase I normally use.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/02/2015 22:34

Sorry, in my book it is not the done thing to a) ask your guests to pay towards your wedding (as in the villa) and b( to ask half of a couple. Bad form. Blimey when one of DHs friends was sending out his invites years ago I was not on the scene and quite naturally not invited. But when I met the couple with DH before the wedding they invited me along which I did not expect!

Glad to see the OPs DP is declining.

What is wrong with a wedding at the local registry office with a pub lunch afterwards. When did it become all villas in Tuscany

Sallyingforth · 23/02/2015 22:59

What is wrong with a wedding at the local registry office with a pub lunch afterwards

Nothing whatever, and a lot less stress :)

arethereanyleftatall · 24/02/2015 00:21

Salthill - what you're saying would only make sense if the b&g were forcing him to go.
They're not.
So, all Pictish is (correctly IMO) saying is this really isn't something to fall out over, just don't go if you don't fancy it.

Thumbwitch · 24/02/2015 01:36

I think really it's all going to hinge on the B&G's response now. IF they have a petulant hissy fit about him not going, then there are going to be problems; but IF they're ok about it, then no big deal.

It's still a rude thing to have done though.

I had a similar situation to amother only the other way around - a good friend of mine had invited me to his wedding but hadn't met DH (then only boyfriend), so he wasn't invite - but then they met at my house and hit it off, so the invitation was extended to DH too. That's what polite people who think about their friends do, IMO.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/02/2015 06:22

Of course anyone can decline an invite.
But i think its an inconsiderate invitation. The dp now has a dilemma, divided loyalties. If you extend an invite to someone it makes sense to assume you believe that accepting would be well, acceptable. So this b&g have said "hey, wouldn't it be nice for us and for patence'sdp if he spends a week on holiday with us and leaves her at home"
I think that is mean.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 24/02/2015 06:24

And its for a wedding. Its not just a holiday. Its common to feel duty bound to attend a wedding.

salthill · 24/02/2015 10:55

arethereanyleftatall .......the whole point of the thread is about whether the B&G were being shitty sending an invite to one half of a couple and expecting him to pay for the privilege. We know he's not being forced to go, so we are making our comments on what we think of it all, so why are you singling mine out, it's moved on, let it go.

salthill · 24/02/2015 12:33

Exactly Amanda .....the whole issue isn't about the fact they don't have to accept. It's about the rudeness and thoughtlessness of the invite. The whole point of the thread. Have to laugh at the idea of people being forced to go to weddings.

TheChickenSituation · 24/02/2015 20:04

^^ Yes!

It might be nice to think that people can just do silly things and the recipients won't be making internal judgments about those silly things, but life/people aren't like that.

Mumsnet would come to a grinding halt, if it was.

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