We do love a wedding one, don't we?

[patienceisvirtuous]

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

My cousin tried to do this: have a wedding at a villa in Italy and get the guests to pay. Went over like a lead balloon.

Friendly

Small wedding -fine. But don't then expect people to spend money on a villa, take up a week pf their Aannual Leave, and not invite their fiance. It's too much to expect of people!

The villa - if it goes ahead - is not going to be fun.

We've done shared accomodation before with friends with DCs and with relatives, and if it wasn't for the fact that the DCs all have such a good time, I wouldn't do it. It's a PITA on so many levels:

• Firstly you can't really leave dishes unwashed etc. to relax and do them later as that just doesn't work in a group situation.

• Secondly unless you draw up a rota chore or have inately fair friends then you will end up doing too many of the chores and feeling aggrieved or alternatively everyone else will give you Paddington stares for the week.

• Other peoples lazy DHs and lazy grown up DCs will wind you up something rotten, even if these are people that you normally get on well with socially.

• Marital relations can be a bit of an issue ( not for those who are expected to leave their SOs at home I suppose) but I would have thought the B&G might want some privacy to consumate their marriage, rather than having to worry about squeaky beds and making too much noise.

• Splitting up food bills is always an issue. With our shared villa we've kind of got it down to pat now, but it did still rankle when on the last night of our hols we were presented with a very budget meal as it was our friends turn to cook and the night before they'd had a nice luxury dinner.

• Going out for meals can be a pain. Firstly you have to find somewhere big enough, and now we always etiher get stiffed because we have one DC who eats from the childrens menu and drinks water whilst our other friends have 2 DCs with sophisticated tastes and who like to drink 3.50 euro cans of coke with their meal.

Gosh that all feels very cathartic, but has little to do with the thread.
My point is that this is villa sharing with good friends or relatives. Sharing with random people that you don't know of different generations and a B&G who look likely to act like special snowflakes for the entire week would be a living nightmare.

Out of interest, if one wanted to have a small wedding abroad (say, a second marriage, no wish for hoopla, links to a particular area abroad) the marrying couple have children already, who they will pay for together obviously, for example-how would they go about this without offending EVERYBODY and their dog? Should they avoid inviting anyone? Invite on basis of there is no expectation of attending and in recognition of spend/time? Because what I hearing from this thread is you will piss off everybody regardless; unless you can afford to have a UK based wedding where you invite all your associates plus 1 and pay for guests who live abroad to come to you and even then you would be U for expecting foreign guests to use up their leave!

Solution seems to be don't get married if you can't afford it. Or get into debt keeping everybody happy.

We are reminded of the lack of legal protection for unmarried partners in one thread and being beaten around the head with debretts in the next. GAH

Seriously - if DP and I were to marry how could we do this in the place we want without angering the universe?!

I think that as soon as you want to marry in a different country to most of your intended guests then you are creating "hoopla" for them tbh.

Unless you know that they will all be able to get the time off & pay for flights/accommodation without a problem.

Even then be prepared for d=some to decline!

Fitz I think it's fine to have a wedding abroad as long as:

1. You invite people with no expectation - i.e. you say 'we'd love you to come, but don't feel obliged to, totally understand if you don't want to travel' etc. And you really mean it - don't be offended if people cant come.

1. There's no obligation for people to spend a minimum amount of time with you, so you're not forcing them to give up a week's annual leave for your holiday - if they wanted to come over for a long weekend, they can, or can choose to make a holiday out of it - i.e. the choice is theirs.

1. You don't expect them to pay for your accommodation.

1. Perhaps linked to #1 - some people hold a party for when they return to the UK to give the opportunity to celebrate for those who couldn't make it abroad. Takes the pressure off anyone who's not keen to travel but doesn't want to offend or miss out. And you get a chance to wear your dress again

My friend did manage a good wedding abroad. They simply got married by themselves in the Caribbean, with absolutely no guests or parents ( his elderly DM wouldn't have been able to travel). It was his second wedding so he didn't want a lot of fuss.

Then when they came back they had a nice evening reception which they invited everyone to.

I think it is possible to do it provided you do a number of things:

• Work out how much it would cost for guests to attend and try to arrange it in such a way that travelling to the venue is as easy as possible i.e. if the majority of your guests will be coming from a certain airport, arrange the date around the flights from there

• Lay on a bus or taxis from the airport to the destination

• Do not expect your guests to holiday with you, send a list of accomodations near the venue with different price ranges if possible

• Phrase your invites appropriately. I actually think it's better to do this via email or written invite rather than in person, as that doesn't give the invitee a chance to consider and check prices etc. I'd say that you would be absolutely delighted if they could attend, but because of the venue you know that this may not be possible and that you also intend to have a evening reception on your return (which can be done quite cheaply by having evening buffet rather than full meal) so you won't be offended at all if they have to decline.

• If you have elderly parents or relatives who you want to be there, then keep this in mind and work out the best option. It's really unfair to expect someone else to have to spend their money and their holiday time looking after them because you decided to get married abroad

• Don't get married in Vegas, you can achieve the same effect with a lot less cost at Gretna Green ( dons tin hat again).

I think in those circumstances, Fitz, you probably just have to suck up having the wedding at home and keep it small. A bit like the OP is planning. You can always have a weekend away at the place you have 'links' too, I suppose, as you'll have kept the good will of close family to babysit, hopefully?

'Solution seems to be don't get married if you can't afford it. Or get into debt keeping everybody happy. '

What is there to afford? You only have to pay for license and perhaps time in the registry house. You don't even need rings. Getting married is very affordable.

Elope.

FWIW I have attended two weddings abroad (admittedly for friends who actually live abroad, so not technically the same as this thread) and another at a remote location in Scotland which required a good deal of travelling.

I was delighted to attend all of them, and thoroughly enjoyed using the wedding as an opportunity for a holiday. Each time, I planned my own trip around the wedding, travelling before / after, and joining the wedding party for 2-3 days only.

So it can be done - and I'm sure your family will be delighted with it, if done sensibly.

Congratulations on getting married by the way

Holding-that's sort of what I thought - come if you would like, but please do not feel obliged-cocktails on return and so on. I would just want the children there. No expectation on where to stay and how long etc. Still think would annoy everybody with our rudeness. Ah well. Back to peeling the cling film off the the curling egg sarnies as tony warms up the wheels of steel. So long as everyone is happy. Though curiously, not the B&G.

Fitzgerald

You have a point. It is pretty likely you will offend someone however you do it. I certainly did. Small wedding, UK. Left people out pf registry office ceremony, had party next day for everyone. Some family upset.

My advice - if your main objective is to be married (not have a great wedding) then stay focussed on that. You can do it really cheaply and not upset people. That is what I would do if I had my time again. Registry Office plus pub. Just a nice day. not an extravaganza. The marriage is what is important, not the wedding. iMVHO

OTOH If the wedding matters to you and you must do it abroad, and you can't afford lots of people, just invite the bare minimum of people, or no-one.

The OPs situation is the worst kind - you want what you want, you want others to pay, AND you piss them off.

Or elope. Then you haven't singled anyone out.

Noted!

We 'eloped'. If you can really call it that at 34 with a 1 year old and pregnant.

Still pissed people off.

We weren't even that fussed about getting married tbh, just realised it was probably cheaper than drawing up wills. You cannot win, honestly.

Fitz go get married abroad if that's what you really want - after all, you get married for you, not for everyone else.

I actually think that if you want a really small wedding, going abroad to do it risks offending less people then having a small wedding in the UK. At least if you go abroad, you can say you didn't expect anyone else to travel (unless you have parents /siblings etc who really wanted to be there, in which case you could say it was just immediate family only). Whereas if you have a small wedding in the UK, what you're really saying to your wider circle is 'We didnt want you there'

I really don't think you would annoy people if you're really open and honest about it. What annoys people with weddings abroad is the expectation that people would want to fork out ££££ and use up their annual leave for a holiday of someone else's choosing.

If there's no expectation, just a 'here's what we're doing, would be fab if you could come but please don't feel obliged, we'll see you at the party when we get back' kind of thing, I can't see how anyone could be offended.

I hate the thought of anyone doing something they don't want for their wedding just to please everyone else. It's almost up there with people choosing a pretty venue then limiting the number of guests to suit the venue (thus showing that the venue is more important than the guests)

However, #1 on my wedding hate list is people who arent religious, who never set foot in a church, getting married in a church so that it looks nice for the pictures. A friend of mine did this last year, and complained to me that when the vicar sent through the ceremony details, there was "too much God in it"... and then asked the vicar to tone it down because they weren't religious!

friendly I most certainly do NOT expect anyone to work around my ttc. Only DP and I have to do that.

I only mentioned that they're aware of it to give context to the fact they know we're a serious partnership.

FFS.

I'm imagining a scenario. I've known Kate since school, I want her at my tiny wedding; it's tiny because the villa holds 20 people and I'm too thick/ tight to allow for a few extra people in other accomodation. Kates been with Bill for a few years, they rent a house and have a child together. But because my villa only has 8 bedrooms I've decided that
Kate should sleep with Jo, my other friend, and Bill just can't fit possibly in.
I like Bill but haven't thought about how he and Kate will feel about this decision. I like Kate even more though and maybe she'll hook up with one of the single guys who are coming to the wedding, as it's such a lovely romantic location.
sorry I'm pissed.

YANBU. You are hardly likely to get to know them better now they've pulled this stunt. Short-sighted.

I'm wondering how the bedrooms will be allocated - paying a fortune and in a sharing a room like a teenager with the other guy?!

NO NO No!!!

YANBU, but I think you know that!

We got married 'abroad', in my home country. And - oh my Christ - we wouldn't have dreamt of inviting one half of a couple ??!!? Who does that for a wedding abroad? You just don't expect people to fork out for travel, use up their annual leave, and then leave one half off the invitation list. You have to give people something to make it worth their while!

We hired two houses in my home town for a few nights before, over and after the big day, and paid for them as a thanks to those who'd travelled so far.

Only inviting half a couple, and asking them to stump up for the villa? Tight. Very, very tight. I don't just mean monetarily.

And yes, yes, yes, you can just refuse the invitation, but it doesn't work like that?! Of course you're going to have a bloody opinion on the matter when people behave so outside the realms of normal social niceties!

OP, I think I know the bride and groom! If not, its a massive coincidence as I know a couple who are getting married in Italy next summer and who are hiring out a villa!

Are their initials A & Y?

Happiest no - that's not their initials. Phew!! :)

We are having a small wedding (22) but our guest list invites the partners of our friends who are invited.

I just couldn't not invite them, it'd be rude.

And to the person upthread who said a wedding is about the guests, that's utter crap. It's about the marriage of two people.

OP good luck ttc, I can empathise with your situation.

YANBU! As someone else pointed out how will you get to know them when you're excluded from their wedding day.

B&G choice absolutely but a week in a villa in Italy - people no doubt taking time of work, leaving partners/dc at home. Rude.

Just don't get the fuss about weddings at all

I can see why you feel aggrieved at not being invited but since you've said you most probably wouldn't have accepted anyway then what's the problem ?

FWIW I much prefer the sound of your marriage plans !