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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2015 09:59

coming we would have accepted if the invite was for both of us and we could sort our own accommodation.

If the problem invite was for both of us but staying in their villa was requisite then we couldn't accept.

It's also the principle of the matter. They've gone down in our estimation because they're hoping DP will fork out and use a week's annual leave while excluding me.

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2015 10:00

problem invite?! I meant invite. Freudian slip :o

OP posts:
salthill · 22/02/2015 10:33

Can you imagine the fall out this would cause in most homes if the invitation was accepted.It's just beyond belief. Money is tight in most average households but this selfish pair either don't give a sod or are so self obsessed it doesn't even enter their heads. If the invitation had extended to both then it would probably get some consideration as it could have been seen as a holiday and would warrant the expense and the using up of annual leave.
In the OPs case.....whats in it for her?......Not only would I decline the invite, I'd also tell them the reason why.

Thumbwitch · 22/02/2015 11:55

Has your DP/DF formally declined the invitation yet or is he going to wait until he gets one in the post?

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2015 12:12

He told the groom he would discuss it with me (he felt put on the spot). Groom said they are booking the villa soon so will need to know asap. That's how it was left.

Think DP is going to wait for him to get in touch then tell him.

OP posts:
BartholomewCrouch · 22/02/2015 13:12

Just checking in to see how Bride and groom take the news of the 'invite' declined.

YANBU.

I was invited to a wedding last year without DH.
We initially thought this a bit odd, but it worked out Ok as was quite local so I went and saw old school friends and was back the same night.

That is very different to expecting someone to use considerable amounts of their own time and money to effectively go on holiday without their partner.

Why would you??
Do let us know their recation.

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/02/2015 13:51

They're being rude, but more than that they're being stupid. And I don't think it's harsh on them to say that.

They aren't bestowing some amazing favour on your DP by asking him to come. They're asking him to do THEM a favour - be a part of this party, and pay your way to be there both in money and (more precious!) time. It's a LOT to ask - as everyone knows, most people afford one holiday a year, and annual leave is precious. In excluding you, they're asking not only him but both of you to completely skew how you allocate holiday time and funds for that year - to both your detriment, as you might not get a holiday together then and you definitely won't get to use his annual leave for both of you. They're asking that of YOU too... but they're not inviting you!

So silly... because it's not as if inviting you will cost them more - people are paying their way. They could simply book a bigger villa... or suggest separate accommodation - lots of options. Instead, they choose to exclude you.

Yup, it's their wedding, they can do what they want - and likewise it's perfectly ok or your DP to quite baldly state that well, of course you don't want to spend a week's precious holiday entitlement of your JOINT lives, plus the budget required, on a trip one of you is excluded from. So naturally, he won't be going.

Hopefully it won't affect your relationship too much. I don't think they're necessarily super mean or hate you - they're just stupid and haven't really thought it through. Maybe the plans will suddenly change if other people respond in the same way your DP has.

cerealqueen · 22/02/2015 17:11

Thing is, if they are booking a villa and everybody is paying, then why not just book a bigger villa?

If they aren't paying for the guests, what's the big deal? Maybe it is so the single female friends aren't stuck with all couples?

kickassangel · 22/02/2015 17:13

Are they expecting your DP to share a room with someone? If not, why couldn't you go?

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 22/02/2015 17:32

I think it's because they've decided upon a specific villa. DP would share with the best man... they are friends.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/02/2015 17:43

He needs to decline right now. If he waits they might assume. They're a pair of tits to even propose all this - come watch us get married abroad, pay for both our wedding AND honeymoon, we chose it all, you just pay up and shut up.

KatelynB · 22/02/2015 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 22/02/2015 18:20

Yeah I think he should tell them now that he isn't coming as you're not invited then this fascinating thread will keep on giving when we hear your feedback of their reaction

chocolatemademefat · 22/02/2015 19:15

YADNBU. Can't believe all the people on this site who talk pish. Of course you don't want him to go without you. A week in the sun in Italy partying with mates while you're stuck at home. I'd hazard a guess that all the halfwits on here telling you to suck it up would be desperately posting on this same site looking for sympathy if it happened to them.

You're in an established relationship and expect to pay for holidays as a couple.

How lovely for the bride and groom to choose special friends to pay for their wedding abroad. I'd be saying no to this one and making it clear its a ridiculous suggestion.

Thumbwitch · 22/02/2015 22:46

I'm also in the camp that he should be proactive in refusing now before the villa is booked - otherwise they might start guilt-tripping and that really would finish off your friendship.

Best get it out the way as soon as possible.

salthill · 22/02/2015 22:59

I wouldn't even dread telling them, in fact I might even enjoy telling them.

NARsWife · 22/02/2015 23:23

The only unreasonable thing on your behalf is that your dp isn't getting in touch to let them know he won't be coming. Turning the invitation down = totally reasonable. Leaving them hanging after you've made your mind up = very unreasonable

GokTwo · 22/02/2015 23:31

Yanbu, not at all. I really, really don't get the weddings abroad and asking the guests to pay a fortune to attend. However, as has been said many times it's an invitation and as such you can politely decline or your Dp can. He should do it straight away though.

notnaice · 22/02/2015 23:46

I'd feel the same as you op.

TrollsTrollsEverywhere · 22/02/2015 23:48

I still don't see the issue and I really don't see the reason that you need to agonise over it. You DH needs to phone his friend ASAP and decline the invition. Personally, I would make it a polite call and would say thanks for the invite but you can't justify the expense at the moment.

TheChickenSituation · 23/02/2015 00:56

Don't make them chase you up. You lose the moral high ground.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/02/2015 06:16

Maybe they thought dp deserved a break afterball the recent stresses. Wink
Has he declined yet?
Id be so pissed at them.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 07:23

They speak virtually every week so groom won't have to wait long for response :) DP said he will see him at football this week anyway so will tell him then.

OP posts:
NARsWife · 23/02/2015 07:28

But he's specifically asked your dp to tell him ASAP because they need to book the villa. Why wouldn't he call him as soon as he's made the decision? I'm sorry but I think that makes him an arse.

BehindLockNumberNine · 23/02/2015 07:42

I too would tell the groom asap. Surely your dp would like to get the conversation over and done with asap instead of having it hanging over him?
Unless he is telling the groom at football so you will be out of earshot and he can blame you for him not attending instead of telling groom the real reason he is not attending?

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