Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We do love a wedding one, don't we?

403 replies

patienceisvirtuous · 20/02/2015 09:04

My first aibu wedding thread (I think!).

So DP's close friend called round to our house to tell DP that him and his DF had booked their wedding for next Summer, in Italy. He told DP they are having an intimate wedding, hiring a villa for the week (cost to be split by guests) and as guest list only extends to 20 people, they are only inviting DP and not me.

DP said he felt put on the spot at the time so mumbled something about speaking to me and getting back to him. DP rang me straight afterwards to say no way was he going and he thought it was outrageous to invite him to Italy for a week without me.

For context, DP and I have been together two and a half years. We're engaged and have bought a house together. We're also ttc and had two mcs last year. They know all this. I get on with both bride and groom and have met them about ten times since I met DP.

Also for context, their guest list comprises mainly family, two single friends of the bride, a mutual couple friend of the b&g, and two friends of the groom (the other friend of groom is in a new relationship).

I know it's their wedding, their choice and it's an invite not a summons yada yada, but aibu to think this is pretty shitty?! I feel put out and so does DP and tbh they've gone down in our estimation.

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 07:58

Calm down, groom will know within a week of the original conversation. Maybe DP would rather tell him face to face, I didn't grill him on it - but DP is a decent sort so he won't leave them hanging. I'm sure a few days is okay.

Behind I have no doubt DP will respond truthfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 08:01

NARS DP is not an arse. I'm sure you know better though.

OP posts:
Ingles2 · 23/02/2015 08:59

Are you sure the b&g are expecting your dp to contribute towards the villa cost? Surely they are just expecting him to cover his flight? Have you checked this? And would it make a difference? Also why don't you talk to your friends? Ask if you can stay elsewhere and make a holiday out of it..

salthill · 23/02/2015 12:59

The OP said the cost of the Villa was to be split by the guests Ingles2

salthill · 23/02/2015 13:22

I'm sorry but I think that makes him an arse.
How can you say that when he's done the right thing and told the OP he's not going, and for all the right reasons. He's been invited to a wedding to which his partner has not been included and is expected to pay for the privilege (thereby using up his annual leave and jeopardising their own holiday), by a pair of selfish entitled prats...... and you think he's being an arse because he hasn't told them yet? Theyare the ones being arses.

NARsWife · 23/02/2015 13:34

Salthill I think not telling him ASAP once he knows he's not going is what makes him an arse. Or rather, his behaviour arse-like. I'm sure in reality he's just putting off what might be a difficult conversation, but given that they have specifically asked that he tell them ASAP I just don't get why he would delay longer than necessary to make things more difficult for his friends.

I do think the bride and groom are a bit thoughtless to invite the op's dp only without the op but as has already been pointed out he is free to decline, as he is. And they are only actually unreasonable if they don't accept him declining with good grace

BartholomewCrouch · 23/02/2015 13:58

Of course OP's DP is being an arse.

Doesn't he realise there are women around the country wanting to know what happens next-NOW!

He is BU to think we can wait until he next plays football.

OP tell him to stop being an arse and call his friend right now.

cingolimama · 23/02/2015 14:19

Bartholomew is right! It's not about you, OP, it's about us. Grin

pictish · 23/02/2015 14:19

I think the couple in question can conduct their wedding however they see fit, and while OP's dp is in no way obligated to accept the invite, it's bloody petulant not to rsvp as expected just because he doesn't like the arrangements.
Manners please.

salthill · 23/02/2015 14:22

If it was me I'd have no hesitation in telling them, but then I think oh sod em, let them stew for a while, they didn't care about the major stress their thoughtless invite could have have caused.

salthill · 23/02/2015 14:35

Pictish.......he's been invited to a wedding in Italy though. If he was going, it would mean seeing if he could get that week off work, checking to see if he had enough money to go, working out if he and the OP could still manage a holiday for themselves......it was a massive, massive ask.The OP said they'd get the answer within a week. That's perfectly acceptable. Was he expected to give the answer the next day? The B&G though, deserve the same kind of manners shown to them as what they have shown to the OP and her DP.

pictish · 23/02/2015 14:37

I know all that. I assumed he hadn't rsvp'd in the expected time frame. If I'm wrong about that, I'm sorry.

pictish · 23/02/2015 14:38

salthill - would you? I would think it wasn't about me and my feelings, and would politely turn them down asap.

NARsWife · 23/02/2015 14:48

But Salthill he isn't going so doesn't need that time to make arrangements. So that's irrelevant. He knows now he's not going. It's petulant and ridiculous to not tell him ASAPAnd instead leave them to wonder until he thinks they've stewed for long enough.

Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 14:52

They'll get their answer within a week of the invite - that's absolutely acceptable in my book. If DP wants to tell him at footy, he bloody well can - it doesn't make him an arse.

I'm sure they weren't expecting all of their invitees to rsvp within a day or whatever when it involves an expensive week abroad. Now that would be ultra unreasonable?!

Bart I'll rant at him tonight and tell him he must respond NOW as Mumsnet want to know the fallout, haha :o

I'll tell you what, call him an arse if he decides not to respond at all, or leave them handing for weeks (which isn't going to happen). Otherwise it's a bit ridiculous.

I haven't told DP about this thread btw. Love that he's gone from Mr Nice Guy to a selfish arsehole in the space of a couple of days, all the while blissfully ignorant :o

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 14:53

*leaves them hanging

OP posts:
Original poster
patienceisvirtuous · 23/02/2015 15:01

NARS, 'until he thinks they've stewed for long enough'???

Who said he was doing that? Stop projecting...

OP posts:
BOFster · 23/02/2015 16:32

Of course he's not an arse to leave it until he sees the groom! You know what MN's like- we just want the gossip...

NARsWife · 23/02/2015 16:49

Patience but then I think oh sod em, let them stew for a while is a direct quote from salthill, who my 'stewed long enough' comment was directed to, not your dh.

salthill · 23/02/2015 17:01

Imo they deserve to "stew for a while", mainly for their thoughtless rude behaviour. need to learn the error of their ways. Its only been a few days anyway, they surely dont expect an immediate answer.

Thumbwitch · 23/02/2015 17:05

Frankly I think it's perfectly acceptable to give it a week before letting them know - the sodding wedding isn't until next summer, and the B&G might prefer for the OP's DP to have at least looked like he was "giving it some thought" before turning them down flat.

pictish · 23/02/2015 17:56

Their thoughtless rude behaviour? Look - OP and her dp don't have to accept their chosen arrangements, but for fuck's sake, they are allowed make them without invitees getting arsey about it not being designed to suit them personally!
Make them stew? What for??

salthill · 23/02/2015 18:59

I really don't know anyone who wouldn't get a bit "arsey" or at least wound up by the invite. It was beyond rude, and if it wasn't for the fact OPs partner isn't going it could have caused a massive upset. Most on this thread think the same. I say "make them stew" in that the OPs DP shouldn't have to feel the need to rush to answer their grabby invitation.

pictish · 23/02/2015 19:07

Well I'm one of those who although would've turned the invite down owing to time and financial restraints, wouldn't have taken offence at the invite or the arrangements, because it's no big deal and I'm not that self important. So I'd see no need to make them stew for a reply.
Sheesh.

salthill · 23/02/2015 19:15

It's no big deal? what if ops dp had decided to go, to hell with the cost, the leave from work, the chance that the op wouldn't get a holiday because of it. No it's not a big deal though is it? Who's being self important here, I'd say the B&G for expecting all that at the OPs expense. Most people get that. Good grief.