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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send my nearly 3 year old to her granny's for a fortnight?

152 replies

walshywoo · 19/02/2015 18:42

My parents have offered to take DD off our hands while DH and I get to grips with round two of babyhood with our 3 month old DS. Does it make us bad parents for being keen on the idea? I do have slight pangs of guilt as it's quite a long time, but I think it'd be a really enriching trip for her (they live in the south of France) and would give her some much needed attention. She's currently feeling rather jealous, demonstrating it in many ways such as refusing food, crying at night, potty training regression and faking injuries. Is it a cop out on our part? We just want our well-behaved terrible two back!!

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 19/02/2015 18:45

Sending her away for a fortnight so that you can have a baby moon won't bring your darling little one back, it's more likely to scar her for life! She's desperate for some attention and to know that this new baby won't replace her and the message you're giving her is "off you go, we don't need you now, we have a new child!"

Terrible idea, sorry.

DelGirl · 19/02/2015 18:46

^^ this

PoppetPants · 19/02/2015 18:46

I'm with Amy I'm afraid.

CinnabarRed · 19/02/2015 18:47

I wouldn't.

MrsTawdry · 19/02/2015 18:47

Well...it's a very personal thing. I'm not sure asking on here will be useful. I couldn't do that myself for a variety of reasons but whether those reasons have occurred to you is another thing...or if they have, would they bother you?

For me, it's the problem of a child that age potentially developing some insecurity around their sibling...he or she arrives and they get ousted.

Also if the toddler were ill and she was abroad...you're hours away....if she's crying and faking injuries it's because she needs reassurance, not sending away.

Finola1step · 19/02/2015 18:48

In many ways a holiday with GPS would be lovely. But not in this situation.

Unless there are very significant reasons why you need to spend extra time with the baby (hospital treatment?) then I would suggest keeping dd close and getting on with it.

My ds was 2.9 when dd was born. DH is a freelancer and couldn't really take much time off. DS did regress and the first couple of months were hard. But sending him away would have been artificial because upon return, the ups and down of family life would always be there.

So I think if you do take up this offer, be prepared for new issues to replace the current ones.

DragonMamma · 19/02/2015 18:48

Awful idea. I can't understand how you would think it could help her attention seeking behaviour.

Oh and 3mo in with DC2 and you should have gotten to grips with babyhood, the last one wasn't too long ago.

3littlefrogs · 19/02/2015 18:48

It would be better, I think, if granny could come to you, or, if your DH could go to your parents with her for a short break - maybe a long weekend so she can have lots of attention. Perhaps granny could come back with them?

Then you can have a break with just the baby.

I would not recommend sending her away by herself.

pookamoo · 19/02/2015 18:48

Sorry, I wouldn't. Same reasons as Amy

AmyElliotDunne · 19/02/2015 18:48

Put yourself in her shoes just for a moment. Imagine your DH isn't being as attentive as usual, you feel insecure, he's got a new female friend who he's spending a lot of time with because she needs him at the moment.

If he suggested that you bugger off for a fortnight so that he could spend some time with her would it make you feel more loved or less loved?!

Showy · 19/02/2015 18:48

Oh gosh, I can't imagine anything worse. It's really not going to help you.

gingerbabiesrule · 19/02/2015 18:49

It would be a terrible decision I'm afraid and would have reverse effect . its a tough time my DD struggled and took it out of me . it was hard and upsetting but it gets better . she really needs you , you have to get better and dividing your time and you will . new babies sleep use that time to focas on her hang in there . this is her way of saying she needs u

SillyPops · 19/02/2015 18:49

Sounds like a disaster plan to me!

Why don't you and the kids (and do if not working) go to your parents together, they can still help you out, but will feel more like a holiday for all than DD being sent away.

krustyem · 19/02/2015 18:49

I wouldn't, it's a really bad idea

AnyFucker · 19/02/2015 18:50

terrible idea

she will just be worse when she gets back I am afraid, unless you fancy offloading her permanently

suck it up and you will get through more effectively

you chose to have another child...This is what it is like

FireflySerenity · 19/02/2015 18:51

Her whole world has changed and the solution is to send her away?

It can have hardly have come as a surprise she may have issues with a new arrival.

HandMini · 19/02/2015 18:51

I wouldn't do this. She's old enough to really hate it. Cld you go altogether and the GPs help with both kids?

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2015 18:51

If you phrase it in the right way it could work ie. Tell her she's having a wonderful holiday with Gran n Gramps with lots of fun and treats all especially for her not her brother. Make her feel special. The grandparents could talk about her brother all the time to reinforce his presence in her mind and help her buy a little gift to bring back for him.

Then when she comes back she can tell you and the baby all her adventures.

whosafraidofnaomiwolf · 19/02/2015 18:52

Enriching? Sending a two year old whose family life has been turned upside down away from all she knows, loves and is familiar to her for two weeks (might as well be a lifetime at that age)? You're surely not serious? How on earth do imagine that would be 'enriching' to such a small and needy child? The only enriching she needs is time with you and her Dad for reassurance that though her world is changed she is still loved and important. Good grief.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2015 18:52

I like Amy's analogy. Poor thing is going to believe that the new baby has ousted her. Which is reinforcing exactly what she is worried about.

Lazaretto · 19/02/2015 18:52

Bad idea...she will miss the security of her parents and home. She's 3 not 13.

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2015 18:53

I'm on my own then!

dietcokeandwine · 19/02/2015 18:53

I don't think it makes you bad parents for being tempted.

But for all the reasons a pp has outlined, it's not a good idea.

If your parents were local and could help out lots by taking her on short outings (ie park visits etc) then that would be fab. But they're not, and I can't see that what they have suggested will have any positive long term effects.

Yes, you'll get a nice toddler free fortnight with your DS. But think about your toddler. They have no concept of time: she will think she's been sent away forever. I vividly remember a friend of mine feeling pickled in guilt when she left her two DC (then aged 5 and 2.5) with her sister for two nights so she and her DH could have a weekend away. In the late afternoon of the second day, her 2.5yo turned to his aunty and said 'But my mummy's gone!' and dissolved into tears. Of course he was fine when she got back, but imagine the effect 2 weeks would have had.

I am sure in the future your DC will has some lovely holidays in France with your parents. But honestly, I really think now is not the time.

PippiLicious · 19/02/2015 18:53

Terrible idea.

She'll see it as mummy and daddy have a new baby and they don't want her any more.

Not only will it damage your relationship with her but it will destroy the relationship with her sibling before it's even begun. Loads of resentment for later life.

New babies and the period of adjustment that follows is very hard but you do just need to muddle through it and rebalance your family. It will happen, just give it time.

Psycobabble · 19/02/2015 18:54

Up until I read about her current behaviour and the way she is feeling with new baby around I thought nice idea but to long maybe a week would be nice

In this situation no no no
Sorry but I think she'd feel even worse and behave even worse to . She needs your attention just as much as the little one does

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