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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my nearly 3 year old to her granny's for a fortnight?

152 replies

walshywoo · 19/02/2015 18:42

My parents have offered to take DD off our hands while DH and I get to grips with round two of babyhood with our 3 month old DS. Does it make us bad parents for being keen on the idea? I do have slight pangs of guilt as it's quite a long time, but I think it'd be a really enriching trip for her (they live in the south of France) and would give her some much needed attention. She's currently feeling rather jealous, demonstrating it in many ways such as refusing food, crying at night, potty training regression and faking injuries. Is it a cop out on our part? We just want our well-behaved terrible two back!!

OP posts:
googoodolly · 19/02/2015 19:30

Please don't do this OP. All she'll get from this is "mummy and daddy have a new baby and don't need me anymore." You NEED to include her in doing things with the baby - she can help with feeds if he's FF, changing, buying him things. She has to feel included. It's a HUGE adjustment going from an only child to a big sister. You need to help her.

CrockedPot · 19/02/2015 19:32

Definitely not. In the nicest possible way, you just need to get on with it.

grannytomine · 19/02/2015 19:32

I was 4 when my brother was born, I remember being disgusted at all the attention he got. Granny and granddad visited and I was invited to go with them, can't remember how long it was but was probably at least a week. I was thrilled and I can still remember looking over my shoulder with what I imagine was a very smug face as I walked out hand in hand with them. Maybe it was different at 4, I'm not sure.

QueQuesto · 19/02/2015 19:32

Disgusted is a bit harsh, it's a holiday with doting grandparents being considered not dumping the child at an orphanage. I agree it isn't the best idea but who hasn't experienced sleep deprived irrational thinking with a young baby?

littlejohnnydory · 19/02/2015 19:32

Awful, cruel idea. For all the reasons others have given and also because she needs to bond and develop a relationship with her sister and an identity as the big sister. How can she do that if she isn't part of the family unit?

DancingDinosaur · 19/02/2015 19:32

I wouldn't. Get why you want to, but personally I'd ride it through. The feeling of rejection following a new baby, I just wouldn't risk it.

vestandknickers · 19/02/2015 19:34

Oh lummy! Please don't do this walshy. Not fair on your poor DD.

GoodGriefCharlieBrown · 19/02/2015 19:36

I'm not agreeing with her suggestion though - I just think it's unfair to judge her for implying that it's still a struggle at 3 months.

I only have one so I don't know how it would be second time around - but if I did and he was anything like the first (cmpa, tongue tie, reflux, sleeping 4hrs max per day until 4 months) I'd probably send myself away for a holiday!

Lazaretto · 19/02/2015 19:36

At 3 a child cannot understand abstract concepts for example the idea of sharing love and attention is viewed as finite it's either with them or with the sibling...your dad's behaviour is trying to communicate to you that she needs reassurance not confirmation of her worst fears. 3 year olds aren't enriched by holidays abroad and new experiences. They are enriched by routine, stability and love.

SpringTimeIsComing · 19/02/2015 19:47

I was very ill after having my second child and in ICU for 11 days. My mum and dad looked after my first child as my DH was with me a lot of the time (it was literally touch and go whether I would live or not). My DD was 3 and it took her a long time to accept her sibling when I came home. She was around 7 when she asked me why she'd been "sent away". I was heartbroken for her. In her little mind she thought we'd sent her away because her sibling had been born and knowing a little girl felt like that cuts me to the bone to this day.

How anyone could even consider sending a child away willingly is completely beyond my comprehension. It's just selfish and will affect your child OP. You don't have a new baby to send the first one away. You and your partner should be ensuring she has the attention she needs not her GP's.

ProfessorProfessorson · 19/02/2015 19:49

Nope, nope, nope - for the reasons stated by everyone else.

All the behaviours you've listed are screaming out the same thing - she needs, really needs, you to show her that she is still your baby too. I mean, it really can't get any clearer.

Love her, involve her with DS, keep her close.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 19/02/2015 19:56

No no no. The reason for her current bad behaviour is likely that she's feeling displaced, resentful and jealous of the baby. Sending her away is only going to reinforce this view in her mind.

mynameissecret · 19/02/2015 19:56

What every one else said she needs you. Get grandparents to come to you to help do you can spend time with her.

Fairylea · 19/02/2015 19:58

No way I'd even consider it.

babyfedleaning · 19/02/2015 20:00

Oh no please don't. She is too young to understand and will view it as a punishment/ not being wanted. A lot of permanent damage will likely be done to your relationship and with her brother. My mum's sister was separated from her parents at that age due to ?mumps. Had no contact with her mum for two weeks and things were never the same again. Awful for everyone (including siblings). for ever.

londonrach · 19/02/2015 20:04

If you didnt have the baby ill be less against it but i remember my sister dd who age 3 (now 6) refused to talk to my parents who came to look after her whilst my dsis and dbil had ds. No one had explained to dsis dd as it hadnt crossed our minds that my parents were not going to take my dsis dd away with them when they left when their ds was born. My niece was very very scaried and her little 3 year old face looking relieved when my patents left (she loves them to the moon and back but for those 4 days refused to talk to them) almost broke my mums heart. Please dont as from a 3 year old view (remember they live now) you replacing her... We didnt realise until after my ds was born but it took alot if hugs and time for my sis dd to realise there was no way she was being replaced and had an important job...to be a big sister!!!!!

calmexterior · 19/02/2015 20:05

No, bad idea. New baby, let's send away the troubled toddler. She may well never forgive you...

halfwayupthehill · 19/02/2015 20:06

I had no help and PTSD when dc2 arrived. Dc1 was 3. It had a terrible impact on her. Occasionally people wd take dd1 but what I wished had happened was foe someone to take the baby and let me reestablisj my connection with dd1

XiCi · 19/02/2015 20:06

You and your DH are being completely selfish and thinking only of yourselves. Surely you can see that the behaviour you describe from your dd means that she is unsettled and needs love and reassurance from you. Not sending to another country FFS.

musicinspring1 · 19/02/2015 20:16

Flowers Congratulations on DC2. If you do come back to this thread I think some have been harsh. I'm sure you are thinking of DC1S best interests. That is a sign of a caring Mummy. Babies are hard, no matter if you've had one before or not. As others have said I would be wary of your plan, I went down the route of getting visitors to mind then baby while I paid attention to the toddler; babies don't mind but toddlers do! As previous posters have suggested I would all visit, or see if they can come here to help out. [hugs]

Laquila · 19/02/2015 20:22

I agree, CharlieBrown. Very unfair to say that the OP should be coping fine with no problems at this stage, and that it's "disgusting" that she should even think of sending her daughter to stay with GPs. Christ when I think of some of the desperate thoughts that I had in my darkest, sleep-deprived hours after my son was born...God forbid that mothers should ever find things hard.

Charlie97 · 19/02/2015 20:29

Oh no please don't, my brother was sent away when mum had the forth baby. It lived with him forever, it made him sad. I was the sixth so wasn't around but I always knew it happened and he never retold it in a positive way.

She wants cuddles from mum, not from gran.

Charlie97 · 19/02/2015 20:30

And actually halfwayup is spot on, try and have some alone time with dc1

eliphantdreams · 19/02/2015 20:37

With the greatest respect, you wanted two children, now you've got that. You need to just deal with it.

iammargesimpson · 19/02/2015 20:43

What they said.

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