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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my nearly 3 year old to her granny's for a fortnight?

152 replies

walshywoo · 19/02/2015 18:42

My parents have offered to take DD off our hands while DH and I get to grips with round two of babyhood with our 3 month old DS. Does it make us bad parents for being keen on the idea? I do have slight pangs of guilt as it's quite a long time, but I think it'd be a really enriching trip for her (they live in the south of France) and would give her some much needed attention. She's currently feeling rather jealous, demonstrating it in many ways such as refusing food, crying at night, potty training regression and faking injuries. Is it a cop out on our part? We just want our well-behaved terrible two back!!

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 19/02/2015 22:52

Really, really awful idea. I still feel guilty 7 years later that DS went to my mum's for 3 days while I was in for a csection with DD. He has only properly got over the separation anxiety in the last year or so and he is 9.

tiggytape · 19/02/2015 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wartsnall · 19/02/2015 22:55

Personally I couldn't do it, I think you,d deeply regret it if you left her for that long/at all.

crje · 19/02/2015 22:59

Are you still on maternity leave ?

I would suggest you, partner if possible and the two kids go .

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/02/2015 23:00

Oh sweet heart I k ow it's going to be a very hard time and I truly believe you think it will be a good thing for her and any other time I'd say go for it. but the timing is all wrong here. There's no way she won't see it as being sent away. I'd wait a little while and maybe you can all go.

I think maybe in a few weeks or months it will be a lovely exciting thing for her to do with an obviously loving family. but just not right now.

Don't expect t miracles from yourself just do what you need to get by and it's enough. Flowers

Makemeanappledumpling · 19/02/2015 23:04

No don't do it ! Really, really not a good idea. Poor little thing may find that incredibly distressing, not to mention confusing.

Completely agree with Pooka.

Gruntfuttock · 19/02/2015 23:07

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP didn't come back. For what it's worth, I think it's a terrible idea, for all the reasons PP have given.

SallySolomon · 19/02/2015 23:11

Not read all the replies, but NO WAY. My ds was 3, nearly 4 when ds2 was born. No way would I have shafted him off for a few weeks to get 'used to the idea.'
You need to be getting used to having two children instead of one. How is it going to be any different delaying it for two weeks? All you'll have succeeded in doing is upsetting your 3 year old and you'll STILL have to get used to two children together when your 3 year old comes back.
Believe me, two children is a heck of a lot different from one so I really don't see what you'd be achieving.
You need to concentrate on all becoming one and adjusting to the new family together.

evelynj · 19/02/2015 23:23

Fuck. Sorry you're getting such a hard time op & congrats on the new arrival. Haven't read the whole thread as I don't need my blood pressure raised but alternatives may be better. Until 6 weeks then 12 it will be hard but may make things more difficult if older dc goes away. Can you Get help at home? If you can make 15 mins a day for older dc & also get them involved ex in helping I found it mad a big difference.

If anyone at any stage had offered to take either of mine for 2 weeks I'd probably have Jumped at the Chance & they're both easy. Anyway, you need to look after yourself first & foremost so if you haven't been getting much sleep etc & you do go down this road, good luck! ( I don't think it will scar them for life

fizzycolagurlie · 19/02/2015 23:32

You've not been back for 6 pages OP
but for what its worth I think your parents are kind to make the offer but way off the mark.
Its about you bonding as a family with the newborn.
Your DD needs to be a part of that asap. I would suggest maybe a maximum stay of 2 nights at your parents to give her a treat and give you a rest - then straight into 2 under 3 action.
Good luck - its easier than it seems, but you have to get on with it yourself (unless you employ a team of nannies, of course...)

TerryTheGreenHorse · 19/02/2015 23:33

Something tells me she has the message now.

AShiningTiger · 20/02/2015 00:02

It may or not be a good idea but all this vitriol and personal attacks are Shameful really, it tells more about the posters than the OP.

OP, Flowers congrats on new born. Don't post on aibu, EVER could you get as much help as you can, maybe try concentrate more on dd1 and less on Dc2 if circumstances allows it. Why not Go to sof and let gp dote on you as well.

i can feel how much you miss your dd1 and the relation you had with her. I think she is trying to tell you the same.

Vickers78 · 20/02/2015 00:09

Can't believe how judgmental people on here are!!! We don't know what this ladies labour/birth was like or how her mental health is right now. Come on people, where is your support. Smug mummies on here I think who clearly ALWAYS get it right.

IPityThePontipines · 20/02/2015 00:30

Goodness there are some drama llamas on this thread!

I would agree that the timing is wrong, because quite simply, she's too young to understand and you need to take the time for everyone to bond and get back on track.

Were she a few years older and had an excellent relationship with her grandparents, things may be different and indeed, when she's older she may relish staying with her G.P's without you.

Dd1 spent two weeks at my parents just before I had dd2, but she was nearly five and very much saw it as having a wonderful time with her G.P's all to herself and nothing to do with me being pregnant.

Has she stayed alone with your G.P's before? That makes a difference too.

SallySolomon · 20/02/2015 00:38

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing stuff separately now they're a few years older (atill young, but several years down the line.)
However when only just come on the scene I'd have wanted us all to bond together instead of sending one away for a few weeks.

BeCoolItWasMeWotKilledLucy · 20/02/2015 00:40

This happened to me every summer as a child. Initially when my 2 siblings came along and then every summer until I was about 11.

I loved the time with my GP and I guess everyone thought it was a good idea. It wasn't. I ended up deeply affected emotionally - feeling very disconnected from my family, my parents and siblings. Sure there was other stuff going on, but being "sent away" even as a treat left very negative life long emotional scars on me.

Glastokitty · 20/02/2015 01:28

I have no issue with kids going to stay with grandparents. In Ireland its really common for kids to do this in the holidays. My son used to spend a couple of weeks with granny every summer, which he loved. But this is not the right time, for all the reasons already stated.

manicinsomniac · 20/02/2015 01:35

I stayed with my grandparents for 2 weeks after my little sister was born (I was 2.5 years) because my mum was kept in hospital with her for quite a while with complications and my Dad was working nights and organising a house move.

When my mum came to pick me up I hid behind my grandma's legs and shouted that I wanted her to bath me not mummy. I told my mum to go away and said I wanted to live with my grandma forever. My poor, hormonal mother was devastated.

I believe I was completely unphased by the experience and had a whale of a time but I think it scarred my mum for life!

So, up to you OP, but I wouldn't do it!

HeartShapedBox · 20/02/2015 02:02

wow.

I miss my 4 yr old, 2 yr old and 15 month old when they're at nursery, never mind at grannies/nana's overnight, but a whole fortnight?
could you really bear to be apart from her so long, by choice?

Florrieboo · 20/02/2015 05:33

Most people agreed that it is not a great idea, it can be hard managing with two together, and in fact 2 year olds alone can be hard enough work. I had 14 months between my children, and I would have loved the idea of someone taking one for a couple of weeks, but, when it came to it I would not have actually gone through with it. The "best" way to get used to dealing with 2 children, is to deal with having 2 children.
I am Irish and was living in Ireland at the time of their births, and despite what a previous poster said I don't know anyone who has children going to their grandparents for weeks at a time without their parents.

fhdl34 · 20/02/2015 05:41

Not read the whole thread but please don't do it, you're getting to grips with being a family of 4, it is tough, I was you a year ago with a slightly shorter gap. At the least her behaviour will get worse not better and what if something happens while she is there? Or she is so desperately homesick? She won't be just down the road.
Ask your parents to come and stay, she won't be missing out on an enriching holiday, at that age they don't care where they are, it's about who they are with and she needs mummy and daddy.
And I really do know how hard it is xx

DontDrinkandFacebook · 20/02/2015 05:41

Hmm. So three entire pages of that'll be a big fat 'No' then. Is the OP coming back? Confused

dollius · 20/02/2015 05:58

God, my mother was sent away aged three when her younger brother came along. Granted it was for two years, not two weeks, but she is now psychotic. Massive personality disorder and has caused me and my siblings untold emotional damage as she is so damaged herself.

Therapists agree she was very very badly damaged.

Two weeks sent two years, but it is a long time for a two year old.

MissRabbitsSister · 20/02/2015 06:23

Probably pointless as op is not coming back.

In my opinion you should do it. 2 weeks for your dd to spend time with her grandparents? What on earth is going to happen to her apart from getting spoilt rotten?

It seems like a cultural thing. In my culture this would be considered normal. Each to their own etc.

I think the key thing is, if you do send her, to spend those 2 weeks wisely, getting to grips with all the things you are struggling with so that when she returns you're on top of your game and you make proper effort to involve her. She'll be fine!!!

PastPerfect · 20/02/2015 06:23

Regardless of the new baby I think 2 years is far to young to spend a week overseas, even with their grandparents.

Presumably your DC has not spent a great deal of time with them previously and/or the location itself? Combining this with a new baby just sounds like a disaster to me.

Sorry