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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my nearly 3 year old to her granny's for a fortnight?

152 replies

walshywoo · 19/02/2015 18:42

My parents have offered to take DD off our hands while DH and I get to grips with round two of babyhood with our 3 month old DS. Does it make us bad parents for being keen on the idea? I do have slight pangs of guilt as it's quite a long time, but I think it'd be a really enriching trip for her (they live in the south of France) and would give her some much needed attention. She's currently feeling rather jealous, demonstrating it in many ways such as refusing food, crying at night, potty training regression and faking injuries. Is it a cop out on our part? We just want our well-behaved terrible two back!!

OP posts:
Lazaretto · 19/02/2015 19:05

"Take dd off our hands"...I think this sentiment is what she will take away. Kids are very perceptive.

Mrsjayy · 19/02/2015 19:06

If you went to france weather will be better your dd would be able to get out to play burn of steam you could catch up on sleep I agree with a pp wait till she a bitiolder

ssd · 19/02/2015 19:07

it is hard having a toddler and a baby, it takes ages to get a routine and get used to it all

you won't get your well behaved terrible two back, you'll get a big sister who is finding the adjustment to her family routine difficult, but with mum and dads love it will eventually fall into place

getting rid of her to grannies is such a bad idea, on so many levels

WD41 · 19/02/2015 19:08

Please don't.

At the risk of being an armchair psychologist you could cause real problems for her - displaced child syndrome - it could affect her relationships and self esteem for the rest of her life. The arrival of a sibling is hard enough for little children without being sent away.

niceandwarm · 19/02/2015 19:08

Please don't do it

MadgeMak · 19/02/2015 19:09

Agree with virtually everyone else, it's a bad idea. If she's acting out then what she needs is positive attention, google love bombing. When my son was born last year I made sure I spent 15 minutes each day, usually when baby was sleeping, to completely focus on my eldest. She choose an activity and led any play, I just gave her my undivided attention and we called it our special time. I really believe that doing this helped her with the transition of being an only child to having to share attention with a sibling, she has behaved amazingly given the massive change a new baby brings. Just 15 mins out of your day, worth a try n

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/02/2015 19:10

I'm sorry, walshywoo, but I have to agree with the previous posters - I think it is a really bad idea. Your dd1 is going to think she is being rejected in favour of the new baby.

A big part of having your second child is managing the transition from being an only child to being an older sibling for your existing child. If your dd is showing signs of coping poorly with this transition, then you, her parents, need to manage this.

She is crying out for your attention - she is used to being the one-and-only, and all of a sudden everyone is cooing over a new baby, and she isn't the centre any longer. If you send her away, this is only going to make these feelings worse, not better. You may have a lovely 2 week babymoon, but she will have an interminable time of thinking mummy and daddy don't want her any more, and if suspect that, when she comes back, all the symptoms of jealousy are going to be a lot worse.

Please don't do it.

Morelikeguidelines · 19/02/2015 19:11

OR could you all go to SOF?

YANBU for asking the question btw but I don't think you should do it.

Bluepants · 19/02/2015 19:11

Personally I bought dc1 a ton of toys when dc2 was born. It did the trick Grin. Not only do they feel insanely happy getting the toys, it gives them a lot to play which whilst you deal with the baby. I know some people consider this to be wrong, but I found it great.

JudgeRinderSays · 19/02/2015 19:14

viva and hannahwex you are missing the point! It is isn't the holiday that is a bad idea, it is the timing!

sybilwibble · 19/02/2015 19:14

Oh lord no! Poor thing will feel replaced in your affections and could even damage the relationship between dc1 and dc2. I agree with others who say why don't you all go together and have a lovely family holiday with grandparents to support you and spoil her. That would be a memory for her.

HopSkipCrash · 19/02/2015 19:16

Get them to come to you and help.

championnibbler · 19/02/2015 19:18

2 weeks is far too long.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 19/02/2015 19:19

I'd go with you all go there for a bit, then you get help but you're all together.

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh though, it was an offer you are mulling it over and asking for opinions, not planing to send her to Fagin for a month.

Only1scoop · 19/02/2015 19:20

I couldn't do it....

2 weeks is also a big ask of grandparents....even if they are young and spritely.

Quiero · 19/02/2015 19:21

Why don't you all go, then DD doesn't feel pushed out but can get thoroughly spoiled by her GP?

Mixtape · 19/02/2015 19:22

I was sent to live with my nan for 6 weeks when my mum had her third DC - I was the oldest and my middle sister was a baby and stayed with my mum. I had to go to a different school, and I also got mumps while I was there so couldn't visit my mum and new sister for ages. Now as an adult I completely understand why my mum did it (PND for one thing, and there is only 15 months between the two younger ones) but at the time I absolutely hated it. I missed my mum so much, i resented my youngest sister terribly and it wasn't until we were in our late teens / 20s we felt much closer (although I was always very close with my middle sister, she was my "favourite" and I made it very clear.

I don't think there is anything wrong with children having an extended break with GP's, but not in these circumstances.

RabidFairy · 19/02/2015 19:24

Now is not the time, sorry. She needs reassurance that she's just as important as the new baby and that her parents love her just as much as they did when she was well behaved. Not to be sent away for a fortnight.

Either all of you should go, or none. That's my view.

Madamecastafiore · 19/02/2015 19:24

Think maybe you'll be heading for a CAMHS referral for her in about 8 years.

Am disgusted that you could even think this.

GoodGriefCharlieBrown · 19/02/2015 19:24

Agree with those who think it's a bad idea but I also think it's awful that a couple of posters have bluntly criticised the op for saying she is still getting to grips with a 3mo. Just because she has one already doesn't automatically make the second a breeze and it's that attitude that can make new mums feel totally inadequate if they are having problems with the emotional and physical strain. I didn't get to grips with things until about 9mo in - mainly because I had a very vocal relative making me feel like I should be "better'.

Madamecastafiore · 19/02/2015 19:25

Her behaviour is the same as every child of 3 who becomes an older sibling. Deal with it. It is your job as a parent.

Madamecastafiore · 19/02/2015 19:26

Yes but I am sure you didn't think about sending your 3 year old away CharlieBrown.

She needs love and reassurance from her parents not being packed off so her mother can concentrate on her new sibling.

fishfingerSarnies · 19/02/2015 19:28

Only you can know how your dd will feel. My dd is going to stay at Mil for nearly 2 weeks while I have the baby. But she wants to she's excited about it and I know she won't feel rejected I might think twice about it once the baby was here. I guess it's all about how you sell it to your dd if you make it a big exciting "big girl" experience so that she was feeling confident and independent then it might work. My dd had to go away for a week and a half to my mums in the summer because my hg ment I was vomiting and passing out and it really wasn't great for dd to see and my dh was away. We made a big thing about it being such a treat and she went away happy as anything with no reprocusions.
Only you can judge how it will make her feel.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/02/2015 19:29

I think it would be a nice idea for GM to come & stay with you for a while, if possible.

An extra adult in the house to share duties with baby DS whilst you & your DP dedicate some quality time to DD.

It's an unsettling time becoming a big sister, please don't send her away.

Primaryteach87 · 19/02/2015 19:29

Whilst I totally get the logic, I think this could have some really negative unintended consequences. If anything it's likely to make the jealousy issues much worse and possibly damage your relationship with add. I know that sounds really judgemental, I don't mean to be. I just think you're probably tired and needing a break.