to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

[MrsDutchie]

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP it really matters how long he takes to complete the PhD - employers who care about a PhD will prefer someone who wrote up in 3 years.
I don't think your gender really matters in this. Imagine a woman came in here saying her partner had agreed to be the SAH while she completed her PhD and now was wanting to go back to work after 2 months. We'd have much scorn for him... but you know nurseries take babies from 3 months, you can go back, you'll be working to pay childcare OK but you won't be worse off than now and you will be doing what you want.

Having said that, as someone who did not enjoy the early baby days at all... it does get more fun, but on the other hand you also have sleep regression, illnesses etc to get through and I know for.me it would have been difficult to put in a professional performance when mine were older babies. Just some.stuff to think about. It is very early days.

Did you not think all this through before you had your dc?

You'd both be mad to ditch the PhD so close.Long term it would be far better for all of you to stick it out.

But I guess that isn't what you want to hear.

Your income shouldn't be affected by his immigration status as both housing benefit and child tax credits are family income based and your status will passport you to both. Does he not get any income as a PhD student?
I think the answer now is for you to work around him if you can. He can work unsocial hours as a PhD student and you could work 16 hours a week?
You won't get help with childcare from tax credits as your dh isn't working.

If the roles were reversed your dh would expect you to look after baby and manage your PhD (or maybe expect you to put your PhDs on hold for 'a while').

His attitude sucks, why does he expect the woman to stay at home. I would be very wary about moving to live with his parents (I take it they are abroad). This changes your ability to suddenly come back to the uk as the new country will be dd country of residence. Meaning if you leave he can have dd returned under The Hague convention (assuming it's a country that subscribes). What country is it? Can you speak the language? Is this his goal in the long run, you all living in his home country?

The fact he won't come up with any option apart from moving in with his parents is a concern. Especially as his attitude is that women should look after the babies. Strange country, living with his mum and dad, no access to money, forced to stay at home with dd.

You got a hard time on here op. Maybe post in relationships.

And he really shouldn't drop the PhD 3 months from the end.

Flexible employment "rights" cover only the right to request different hours, and to have that request considered seriously. It can be rejected for reasons relating to the good running of the business.

It is definitely something for her to investigate, but should not be the basis of an actual plan until it's been discussed with her employers (I don't think she's said what she does) and is looking likely.

There is nothing wrong with putting an infant into childcare, if that is what needs to be done (and maternal wellbeing is a good reason, as are financial reasons, which it seems OP also has as she alludes to unpleasant surprises in looking at family finances).

I agree with other posters that there is a lot wrong with expecting someone to quit a PhD so close to completion, especially when it may not be absolutely necessary (as other childcare exists).

I'm presuming you had some conversations before,a plan,no?

Within that plan I'm guessing finishing the Phd in Aug was part of it,pulling the rug out from under if you'd already agreed is very unfair imvho and not in the best interests of any of you.

Better job for your partner equals better choices for you(ability to pay childcare or fund a sahp).

You are unreasonable to expect your DH to stop/defer his PhD but he is unreasonable to be exclusively committed to his thesis. I have completed a PhD and supervised several PhD students and I don't know anyone who did not work alongside. Most students had two jobs, one teaching in their academic field and something like bar work in the evenings for extra money. It should be possible for him to take over at least some of the child care so you could return to work P/T.

You need to sit him down and talk to him about your future. He also should be applying for jobs now. I don't know what field he is in but the academic market is extremely competitive and if he is also restricted geographically with visa issues on top it may be very very difficult to find any kind of work. I've never heard of anyone waiting to submit before applying for jobs, positions are arranged a few months in advance anyway. Given the timing he is unlikely to get an academic post until September anyway so he'd be at a loose end for a few months after submitting.

The flaw in the original argument is that he won't be more employable with a PhD, he will in fact be less employable, employability tops out at a masters degree, after that ...it reduces again as people can become overspecialised and are often perceived as less of a team player.
He can also finish his PhD part time and negotiate this with the uni / whoever is overseeing him.
So you are not being even slightly unreasonable, he needs to be accountable for the conditions his child is living in, although its a bit worrying he dosnt feel that.

Agree with pps that family finances and housing are more important than completing the PhD in a shorter time, especially when he could work on it PT.

I know you weren't entitled to any maternity pay but is your previous job still open for you? If so you could ring them and seek to go back asap.

Have you investigated the benefits impact should you return to work? You might be able to get some help with childcare for example.

You could also investigate what you'd be entitled to as a single, working parent.

you could call his bluff and just book 2 days childcare and just leave the house to go out to work 5 days!

He could then do 2 full days on the PhD in the week and 2 at weekends, and you would all have some money.

Does he do his fair share of childcare at night?

If he has no recourse to public funds and no money for rent (having relied on your job for a long time?) he would be screwed if you left. Yet he seems to think he can call the shots.

If you are on the bones of your arse as it sounds and your DH's is just writing up then I see no reason why he can't stay home for 3 weekdays and then work on his PhD the other 4 days of the week. Libraries are open all day Sat and Sun and he would still have every evening too. That way you could work a clear 3 days.

You would never see each other but it would only be for a few months and needs must.

If he really can't stomach that or you both want sometime together at the weekend then CM one day a week could help but still give you 3 clear days.

Your income shouldn't be affected by his immigration status as both housing benefit and child tax credits are family income based

Most visa holders are not entitled to benefits Ehric.

If you read my post
she will be entitled to housing benefit and child tax credits
They will take his income into consideration when assessing her entitlement as they are a family
But the benefits are hers
I have experienced this myself. It's logical if you think about it. He's not getting anything himself (ie no jsa or similar) but she is British so therefore entitled. Being married to a NRPF person doesn't invalidate her own entitlement.

Why not use this opportunity to move out of London, neither of you have a job, most of the rest of the country is far far cheaper.

You could use a bit more mat leave to look for a new job/house. He can do some more on his PHD. You can then afford to work.

Everything is cheaper out of London (esp housing and childcare). How likely is it he will get a job immediately?

If he was a woman he would have mat leave from his PhD to be fair. (But then have to squish it around his child, and some sporadic childcare as my two friends did).

YANBU and I am amazed so many think you are. He is happy to let you claim benefits so that you can both not work - usually on MN this would not be acceptable if avoidable - which it is! He should be working around you, nights and weekends etc, to make this work for the whole family, not just thinking of himself. I wonder is is a cultural thing, would it be unusual for men from his country to provide childcare? Is he really keen to move home as you mentioned before or just trying to prevent you working? Imo a serious conversation needs to be had, he needs to start thinking of the needs of the rest of his family, not just his. Good luck!

I feel sorry for you. Your little one is still very little and needs you both. You might regret this later.

The little one also needs a warm home and well nourished healthy parents though - it is a really tough one. Op are you certain you are getting all benefits you are entitled to?

I think you're getting a hard time here too, but I'm also not sure I understand why you can't go back to work and have your pfb in paid childcare? Options seem to be:

1. As you are- he's contributing no money, the PT job is presumably part of the £1000 per month. Neither or you are earning
2. go back to work- you get your job satisfaction, the jobs are there for you, you earn, your pfb is well looked after in professional childcare and he finishes his phd. Maybe he gets a job after, maybe not- you might have to cross that bridge later!

You sound like you have great skills and worth ethic- too many good women are lost in the work place to
Children. Get back there!

This situation isn't going to be forever! In 3 months he will no longer be a strident but will be unemployed so he can look after baby until he finds work, thereby allowing you to go back to work. It's such a short period of time.

Also, I've just realised you can be claiming contribution based job seekers allowance as long as you are actively jobseeking. That might be irrelevant if you have work you can pick up any time but if you really want a job then that's an option.

I like you hated maternity leave despite loving DD. I had a crap DH who thought everything should fall to me.
I went back to work and I felt so much better for it. I was a better Mum when I was not at work because I was happier and DD and I have a great relationship 11 years on.
Sadly I didn't tackle the lazy H as I didn't have any support that he was wrong. He took and took till I was barely a shadow of myself. He then had plenty of time to have an affair, which he justified as I showed him no affection ( like I had time or energy).
If you don't put a stop to his 'women do home and family attitude' now it will get bigger and bigger and suck the life from you.

Hi OP. I was in precisely your situation when I had DS1. I went back to work at 8 weeks - and even before that did some extra paid work for my company for the money. DH was writing up his PhD.
We worked it with the use of some part-time childcare and DH looking after DS for two to three days a week.
Once I got home he would disappear to work again. Since DS1 slept quite a lot during the day (and not at night!) he managed to get some work done during then as well, although perhaps not as much as we envisioned.
We basically had to do it this way because - like you - there was no other money and DH was also from abroad and therefore did not qualify for anything else.
It took him another year to get a lecturing job, by the way, so thank God I went back while I did and basically supported the family for the year.
Ten years down the line I did my PhD and had DS2. I used my three months of maternity leave to write up so I have real experience of rocking the cradle with one foot and typing desperately. It is not fun, but it can be done if you really put your minds to it. But I have to say that - for both of my sons - I was the driving force here. I was the one who went back to work, organised childcare and nagged. And I was the one who thought I could be superwoman and wrote up on maternity leave. DH thought I was mad in both cases. I thought I was practical.

SORRY mrs dutchie but what the heck did you have a baby for you don,t seem to want to look after her she is only 8 weeks and you are desperate to go back to work .you expect your hubby to stop a phd because you are bored with motherhood .you are right about the vagina thing you are the mother primary carer like it or lump it .you are thinking only of yourself .

I think you're both caught up in that newborn bomb has hit stage, where it feels like you're making decisions that are going to last forever. You're only talking about the next three months. There's a big difference between your DH assuming you would want to take six months maternity leave and him assuming you will be happy to be a SAHM. If it's the latter then you have a serious issue, but if it's the former then you only have to negotiate over the next three months. He needs to get the PhD finished to be employable. Some people find it possible to do lots of other things alongside a PhD, but some people become overwhelmed, particularly in the last few months.

If you can stay on maternity for another six weeks, then you only have six weeks left to negotiate over. I don't think nurseries will take babies until they're at least three months anyway. Do you have any close family who could come and help you out for a few weeks? If you could have two weeks help from your family and two weeks from his, then that would only leave two weeks to sort out.