to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

[MrsDutchie]

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

Also - there is no guarantee on his next job.

Yeah actually it was just a bit of advice from some one who has actually been in your situation but apparently you only want replies you want to hear. I in no way asked you to validate your choice, merely pointing out it can come with issues later if you do go back so it's something to bear in mind. I wouldn't want another woman feeling crap when they find their baby rolled and they weren't there. It can be difficult when you feel forced into because of money. That's fine you want to go back to work and are happy with your choice but there was no need to be rude to me. I have actually been quite supportive through all my posts!

If you went back to work full time now, and paid for the 4 days of childcare you would need, with him doing the other one, would that make the financial situation better than it is now? If so, then I think that should be your next step. I can see why your husband wants to finish the thesis soon, but ruling out even applying for jobs in the meantime is foolish (although I suddenly got invited to a lot more interviews once I was able to put on applications that I had submitted) as is refusing even to consider working flexibly. So I think you have licence to make some unilateral decisions yourself.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think your DH is being rather unreasonable. You had this baby together. You both need to provide care for it. So far you've provided 2 months, allowing him to concentrate full time on his work. So far, over your baby's '8 weeks', you've contributed more than him in terms of both child care and money, in order to support your husband. Which was great, you were happy to do that. But now you need to figure out how you're going to support your baby together. If the choices are: a) he goes part-time and looks after baby and you earn money or b) he uproots you to a different country or c) you live in straightened circumstances while he gets to go out and study full time and pretend his life hasn't changed at all .... obviously option (a) is more reasonable.

He needs to realise that he has a child he needs to care for, and that should take precedence over his PhD. You have to provide financially for the child, and that should take precedence over his PhD. Those are your family's priorities right now. While you fully support him and want him to succeed, that can't be at the cost of your baby's care, your family's finances and your career. His career doesn't automatically trump your career, let alone your career plus your child's needs.

LovesBooks - I'm sorry you feel that way but also hope you can see that I was looking for pragmatic advice, which you have very kindly given. I really didn't want to get into the discussion about what I'd miss going back to work as that's a whole other kettle of fish!

Oh hey look I get it I do and hey forget me I am exhausted. My son is teething and I am ill

I just know that sometimes I resent my oh because I too have to work full time. He is not a student but earnt barely anything. It can also be hard when you miss everything while your partner is at home. I also did not know if you was looking to return because you did not like being or Sahm or because you were struggling financially. It's not very clear. The first, hey all fine, by all means return its not for everyone. The second then that is different because that's kind of forcing your hand and that can be tough on a
mother regardless if you are frustrated. By any account your oh needs to be more flexible and not leave it all to you. A 2 month old is hard work and a PhD is no excuse for not doing any childcare, he could diffo compromise!

Great post Cunning. I also think your DH is being selfish. My brother just finished a PhD. At the same time he was doing various hours of teaching, private consultancy work, some consultation for charity and then the odd newspaper interview as he's a world expert in his field. Oh yeah - and then he wrote a few chapters of his book. I'm not saying he found it easy, but he was determined to continue with none-PhD stuff in parallel with the PhD as this is what ultimately led to his first job post-studies (in fact, he had a few job offers based on the strength of his consultancy work).

Ok, so I don't know the field your DH is working in but he does have the benefit of flexibility. I really don't see why he can't fit, say, 60 hours of work/study a week around the needs of your baby and you working FT, particularly if your salary could pay for a few hours of childcare as well.

Also - just want to say that the eight week/two month thing is all relative. I'm an expat and live in the US. 8 weeks at home with a baby is considered to be amazing here! So don't listen to criticism like some of the bollocks that's been posted above. Going back to work and providing financially for your child seems to be the best solution for all of you right now. Best of luck to you.

Can I just say, your DH is unreasonable - I worked 20 hours a week as a private tutor, played rugby and trained an event horse while doing my PhD. One day off per week to look after his own child is easily doable without sacrificing his PhD - or he should pick up some money teaching in the evenings. In London, he could earn £40-100 per hour depending on the subject. Ok, not very moral, as parents are buying privilege, but if he just had 4-5 hours of work it would make a huge difference. You could then use the rest of your maternity leave without worrying and sort paid childcare in a couple of months' time.

Ok here goes... totally agree with cunning and wibbly.

I sat my CPA exams, DH studied for his MBA and we had DD at the start and DS in the middle of DH's MBA. Neither DC was planned. The MBA was part time and we both worked FT, my hours being approx 80+ a week and DH having a cushy 37.5hr/wk number (includes travel too but you can study on a plane).

We made it work and it wasn't always perfect. We had many a row about DH saying he was babysitting. I screamed at the top of my lungs once 'You can't babysit your own child you moron. How do you expect to manage people and relationships when you are so demeaning towards women?'

However we have since made it through alive and are still married. I took 5 months off with DD and 8 weeks off with DS. I sat my last CPA exam when I was 38 or 39 weeks pregnant. I was huge. I thank our dear Lord Jesus Christ on a daily basis that I passed that last CPA exam. I might have killed DH if I hadn't.

Overall, run the numbers and make sure you working does fully cover any childcare costs. Advantage of going back at 8 weeks is that your DC is likely to sleep for most of the day so if your child is obliging your should be good for zero childcare costs. Your DH can easily take that shift. If you are BF consider having them transition to a bottle now and get used to pumping. Nearly all mothers here pump when they go back to work.

Also, do consider taking time off or going PT once your DH finishes up his PhD. DS has a speech delay and the early intervention team have said it is more common with babies where the mother is out of the home more than 55 hours a week. That was me for sure as my commute was easily 10-15 hours a week in addition to my working hours.... Sharing this with you as my DS fell into that. DH is not very nurturing. DS is regularly treated to doses of benign neglect by DH as DD is an attention sucking expert. I am now looking at stepping out of the workplace for a year so I can focus on sorting out DS.

Finally, sit down with your DH and read him the riot act. You are parents now and financial decisions have to be made together. There should be no secrets about finances nor should one person have ultimate say in how things are run. Neither of you can make proper decisions if you don't have the full picture.

OP, is your DH on a student visa? Or spouse?

I honestly think you have had a very hard time of it here.

Your dp needs to step up big style. You both created this baby so fifty fifty childcare, is he doing that? No!!

Yes he can finish his phd but right now he's placing that above his child.

My suggestion is to get the work and tell dh that he has to find/do or fund the childcare for half. End of discussion.

Alternatively, work out the total incoming/ outgoing for the next few months and ask him how he plans to fund those, either he does fifty fifty with you back to work, or he wants you to assume the carer role and he the breadwinner. Right now he is doing neither and you are doing both.

Jeeze there have been some unnecessarily hostile responses here.

I see here someone with their back up against the wall financially, at the end of her tether wondering how to get through it and now getting kicked while she is down.

I have been there financially. Literally without two pennies to rub together. Clearly some on here have no concept of what it is like and the sheer dread that fills each day.

OP, as someone else said, read him the riot act. You need and want to return to work, but he must help you to minimise the cost of childcare. Your baby is his baby too, but he seems not to have realised this.

Make it none negotiable that you return to work with proper support from him. Present him with a spreadsheet of cold, hard financial realities. Tell him that this is what you propose needs to be done about it and he must find a way to fit in some childcare. He is a parent too, so it is not up for discussion. He can still continue his PHD, but will have to make his hours a bit more flexible.

By 3 months my kids were on a 4 hour feeding cycle and they slept for about 3 hours between. If you are organized that's 6 hours of work your DH can do during the day and in the evenings he can do another hour. That is plenty of time.

I know not all kids are sleepers but if you get a routine in place for feeding he can easily get 5 hours of study in during the day. At weekends he can do full days. As you said he only has a few months. It's not like this is forever.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting to go back to work but would be unreasonable to expect him to postpone his PhD.

It sounds like you need to properly sit down and work through finances and what you both want. If my husband refused to do this I would seriously question my marriage.

I would also speak to the cab about his visa and whether there are any benefits or help at all for him.

Oh dear, it appears you have landed one of those men who thinks that raising a child isn't their primary responsibility. I'm sure he made all the right noises in the beginning but his inflexibility demonstrates that anything that interferes with his wants will be ignored.

OP you have bigger problems than you stated in your first post. Returning to work is not just about you not being cut out to be a SAHP, it's out of financial necessity. Having a roof over your heads and food in your bellies takes priority over everything else and if you H is not on board with that then you need to decide if you can afford to carry this man at the expense of you and your child.

I must admit I cannot understand how he is failing to do anything besides write up. My df is currently writing up and has found it to be very flexible, unlike when she was doing lab work.

As above why on earth can't he work around baby's sleep and on weekends?

Sounds like your DH has his head in the clouds and is in denial about your new joint responsibilities and financial realities.

What was your original plan to manage the raising of the baby when you found out you were pregnant? You were planning to go back to work asap to bring in the household income? But he thinks you can live on fresh air somehow? How did he envisage things panning out?

It should be reasonable for him to do 2-3 days of childcare a week and still finish his PhD, especially when the baby is under 2 and so should regularly nap during the day. I completed coursework for postgrad diplomas while being a SAHM with my DS but more relevantly to your situation, my DH finished writing up his PhD while employed full time in a very high pressure job and while I was pregnant with DC2 and DS was 2.5. So doing something parallel to writing up his PhD is entirely realistic and possible.

The question is whether he is willing to do that and share the childcare load. It sounds like he isn't so you may just have to focus on your own return to work and factor in the cost of full time childcare accordingly.

I havent read the whole thread. But if he is close to compleation then i think it woul be foolish not to complete. And if you op want to go back to work then there is no reason not to do it.
And give yourselves time to think and discuss, the firts months are very hard.

Wow cannot believe the judgement on here.

Some people really have issues and just love to wave the Mummy Martyr flags! 'If you even think of returning to work when you have a precious ickle wickle bubba, you simply can't love them as much as meeeee'.

Op you are absolutely right to tell posters to pipe down when they are challenging you on your perfect valid desire to go back to work. I understand exactly what you're saying.

Re your partner, I agree with Topseyt.

I wrote my thesis for my STEM PhD while working ft at a uni (no DCs). I was busy, but not madly so.
I applied for the job while still doing the research and my contract stated that I would automatically get a payrise once the PhD had been awarded.

If your baby is only 3 months old or less then yeah mat leave is boring, but in a few weeks he will be doing way more, sitting, playing a bit and by 1 he will be a different person. Enjoy it, I felt similar to you when dd was 2-3 months but by the time I needed to go back when she was 9 months I was gutted and missed her little personality.

On the other hand, if you want to work just go back. Pay for childcare and as long as you're not left in minus figures after childcare costs then it's worth it if it's what you want.

When I had my eldest, paid maternity leave was only 18 weeks and loads of us went back to work then.

My experience is that putting a baby into a setting you are happy with is absolutely fine, so there is no reason for you to be a SAHM if you do not want to be.

But equally there is no reason for your DH to be a SAHD if he does not want to be.

Personally, I think it would be an utter waste to quit a PhD at this stage. Especially as he does not need to.

Ok i have read the thread now.

It seems that after dp completes his dissertation then you can get back to work and he either gets a job or becomes a sahd (is he willing to become one btw?) depending on the job market. So the problem is that the next few minths are going to be hell.

Tbh i sympatize with him. He has been working kard for several years to get a phd. But that is not an excuse to ignore his duties, do his fair share of childcare and to look for a job aggresively as most phd candidates do. How long is it going to take him? Some times it takes ages to defend a dissertation.

If he stops is studies now how long before you can get back on your feet and he can compleate his thesis? Will he lose finantial support from the university if he does that?

I dont have much of practical advise, sorry. Maybe you can suck it up but i know it is easier said than done when there is no food on the table. Barring that can you make a specific plan like you go take the job, he postpones his studies for six months or a specific amount of time and then he completes his dissertation?

And in any case you should get back to work. It would be an improvement of your existing position, right?

Another question: is his resistance based on academic commitments only or does he not want to be a sahd even for a while?

Pay for childcare and as long as you're not left in minus figures after childcare costs then it's worth it if it's what you want.

Agree, but would add that although it may not be practically possible, from a long term point of view it is financially better to go back to work even if you aren't earning enough to cover child care.

At this point your DH does seem to have quite a lot of flexibility so you are better placed than many people. Having a baby and a demanding jobs isn't easy, but people manage. Your DH is being unrealistic to expect that his life won't be impacted by having a baby.

Right. So, you're in dire financial straits, you have a job that pays well.
You can't go back to work due to childcare.
Your husband is doing a Phd and bugger all childcare.

Go back to work 3 days a week (flexible employment rights, you're the carer). Ask for childcare vouchers to be taken straight from your salary (you won't pay tax on it).
Your husband must mind the child 2 days a week, plus half a day at the weekend. No negotiation, this is how it is, or he's out.

I was in your shoes, OP. Studying with a newborn and commuting, part time job and housework with a husband who did minimal stuff. The resentment is fenomenal. But don't ever let anyone tell you you're being unreasonable. You're not.