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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell Dh I no longer want to be SAHM to 2 month old and to be a SAHD?

283 replies

MrsDutchie · 16/02/2015 23:41

Dh is a PhD student in the final stages of submitting his research. I've been on mat leave since November and whilst I love PFB to bits, I don't want to be a SAHM much longer - it's driving me crazy. I miss my work so much I've taken on part-time consultancy work with a charity. If I go back to work, a fair amount of the money goes straight back to childcare if Dh continues with studies.

I don't get why it's not the other way round. I have the job but Dh's logic is he will eventually get the well paid job. Sod eventually - why does the fact I have vagina mean I have to stay at home and look after PFB? I have a career and interests too. He just sees her at evenings and on nice family days and I'm driving up the wall here desperate to work again.

Like I said, I love PFB but why should the fact I have boobies and gave birth mean I'm faced with this dilemma and Dh gets to waltz through guilt-free without any concerns or repercussions about how selfish he is if he goes back to work.

Any other MNers had a similar dilemma? What did you do? I'm not looking to get flamed for how selfish I am or that it was my choice to have kids. I stand where I stand on this and I want to balance both

OP posts:
RealHousewifeOfSheffield · 17/02/2015 00:29

Op you're changing your argument now. Originally you couldn't bear to be a sahm any longer and were desperate to get back to work. Now it's a case of returning to work out of financial desperation.
Which is true? It sounds to me like you moving the goalposts

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:30

Arsenic - we're broke. That's what.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:31

RealHousewifeofSheffield - my Dh thinks because I'm the mother I should stay at home and support his PhD even though I'm the one that can sort out the mess we're in. Clear?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:32

Gruntfuttock - I love my PFB and whilst I'm struggling to come to handle a difficult situation, I don't run away from it. Do you?

OP posts:
Jumblebee · 17/02/2015 00:33

Grunt that comment was really unnecessary! Hmm

OP can you go back to work part time to help ease the money issues until your DH has finished? And then go back full time?

LovesBooks · 17/02/2015 00:33

could you work part time around his studies?

Arsenic · 17/02/2015 00:33

What about my 00.29.45 suggestion?

crocodiledundeelady · 17/02/2015 00:34

Op sorry to hear that and don't understand why others are being hostile. I take it your husband is not receiving a stipend? Is your husband in a lab? Or is it more library work? If the latter then isn't the best thing for you to go back for work and for him to be sahp while also finishing up - obviously more slowly but with a plan for him to go on the job market a year later than he originally planned? Could that be a compromise?

RealHousewifeOfSheffield · 17/02/2015 00:35

Ok. The finances were not a factor in your original op that's all.

Yabu to tell him to return to work though. Just as he would be if he told you not to return. Had he said you should stay at home? Is he happy with nursery/cm?

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:36

We definitely need to be a lot more creative. I knew I would miss my job, that's just who I am. I was never going to be on maternity for long but Dh didn't reveal the extent of the financial situation he was in - again because of his and I quote 'male pride'. I understand there's bigger issues here and I've been all over the place on this thread but I just feel Dh is amazing with PFB, I can and am happy to work to sort out the short-term which does need to be sorted right now, so why not?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2015 00:37

If your DH thinks that you should stay home because your a woman then you've bigger problems than initially described - you probably shouldnt have married and had kids with a sexist fool.

If your economic state is so pressing that you're going to be without food in a month then actually you have no choice but to go out to work immediately.

What does your DH say about being a month away from destitution?

Is his perspective on that not the same? What's his answer to your going to starve argument?

2468Motorway · 17/02/2015 00:39

Does he work in a field where there is a good prospect of work?

Is he just writing up? If he's just writing up I'd let him do that in the evenings and you work in the day. It often used to be that way when only 3 funded years were provided.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:39

Arsenic - I have managed to get one day and will try to see if that works for him too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:40

Yes he writing up.

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Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:43

Laurie - he wants to either live with his parents or get buy on the odd teaching or marking. Both are not feasible or stable right now.

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2468Motorway · 17/02/2015 00:45

Well then he can write at weekends and in the evenings if you want to work. As I said this use to be commonplace people would get there first post doc while writing in the evenings and at weekends. It's not ideal but it's one of the many sacrifices you may have to make.

2468Motorway · 17/02/2015 00:46

Sorry for all the typos!

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:46

TheRealYellowWiggle - I don't hate being a mother. I love my PFB - she's my world. But just because she's my world doesn't mean I don't want to work. Dads apply that logic, why can't I?

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LovesBooks · 17/02/2015 00:48

MrsDutchie just think about a lot. You may find you could also resent your oh when you are working full time and you are missing the baby's first everything. I can be harder than you think leaving your baby when it comes to it so try and find a good balance.

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:50

2468Motorway - thank you for your helpful insight. I think that might be a key problem here - Dh not willing to be flexible with his work or balance it much with childcare. If he did, I could work and provide for his PhD and our daughter's care.

His approach is very much 'keep going at all hours until it's done' which I don't think works with a new baby or the situation we're in. I've studied on masters and PhD, and I'm fully aware of the flexible approach that can be taken with a bit of thought and pragmatism.

I think it's also worth bearing in mind that he's been working on this alone for a long time and is really determined to make a success of this and I fully support him and want that for him.

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Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:52

LovesBooks - like I said, that's how I feel and is not something I'm looking to discuss or validate here.

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NeedABumChange · 17/02/2015 00:53

I don't understand how you married someone without discussing this???

limegoldfinewine · 17/02/2015 00:55

Is it possible to live with his parents for a few months because that sounds kind of ideal? He could work on his phD, you could consult remotely?

Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:55

NeedABumChange - oh, it's been discussed but Dh point blank refuses to budge. I gave in (stupidly) and now we're poor.

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Original poster
MrsDutchie · 17/02/2015 00:59

limegoldfinewine - leaving our flat will be a very long, expensive process which requires 2 months notice.

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