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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting more and more annoyed by the attitude that kids can be planned

221 replies

stitch10yearson · 16/02/2015 10:47

Because if you dtd, then there is always a risk of pregnancy. condoms are only 98% effective, the pill and the coil 97%. This means basically that if you do the deed, then the only way of ensuring that you don't have a baby is terminating it.

And breathe.

IMO, NOT having kids is a lifestyle choice, not the other way around. If a man doesn't want kids, then he needs to always always wear a condom, even if she ison the pill and has a coil in, or have the snip. and probably still wear a condom. Or only have sex with someone who is post menopausal.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 16/02/2015 17:32

Contraception, when used properly, is far more than 98% effective. Use 2 methods and I guarantee you will not get pregnant. I do not believe anyone who claims to have multiple contraceptive failures.

Do you mean multiple contraceptive failures as in two pregnancies resulting from contraceptive failure or do you mean you don't believe people who say contraceptive has failed them more than once?

I had the coil and got pregnant. It was perfectly in place as they scanned me to see why it may have happened. I also fell pregnant on the pill as well with perfect use.

I have no reason to lie so yes, it does happen.

DrSethHazlittMD · 16/02/2015 17:34

OK, putting it another way, I know an awful lot of women in their 40s who have had very active sex lives using contraception with no pregnancies

Sallystyle · 16/02/2015 17:38

I was accused from someone of taking my coil out to get pregnant and putting it back in again Grin

grocklebox · 16/02/2015 17:39

The nhs did not tell you that the coil "does not prevent pregnancy it only aborts them"
And I really bloody hope you aren't teaching such shit in schools.

The coil works by altering the lining of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It interferes with the movement of the egg and sperm, preventing them from reaching each other. This stops fertilization. IT DOES NOT CAUSE ABORTIONS.

FreudiansSlipper · 16/02/2015 17:41

with other forms of medication we take the opinion of it works differently for different people

with the contraception pill we do not some believe if taken properly it is 100% effective (that is not the advice given) and others believe it is about 97%ish

I have fallen pregnant twice in the pill, the first time perhaps I was not so careful when taking it the second I certainly was

I have also realised that while taking the pill I have had a few early miscarriages (discussed this with gp)

I do not believe the pill works for everyone in the way it is designed to we are all too individual, the vast differences of the effects on the body from weight gain, loss, headaches, sore boobs shows that it is different for everyone

why did I not fall pregnant with an ex when we were trying (but seem to be very fertile with others) yet his now wife fell pregnant the within the first few weeks of their relationship. why did I fall pregnant with ds (I like to think it was meant to be) when taking the pill correctly. why have I fallen pregnant on the pill and miscarried

personally would never use hormone contraception again as I always have side effects I do not wish to interfere with my bodies natural cycle so much

Want2bSupermum · 16/02/2015 17:43

In my early 30s I found I was pregnant with DD while using contraception and I don't bother with the pill now. After she arrived I had a coil and we used condoms every single time. I still got pregnant.

Managed 2 years of not getting pregnant by abstaining during my most fertile week plus using coil and condoms. OBN explained that birth control isn't that effective. It's 98% effective when you take each and every day into account. She said that if you only look at the rate of effectiveness for fertile days it's about 50% effective. She also said that most married couples don't DTD that often. She said average is about 1-2 times per week. If you DTD more than this you should double up and use at least 2 forms of birth control.

grocklebox · 16/02/2015 17:43

OK, putting it another way, I know an awful lot of women in their 40s who have had very active sex lives using contraception with no pregnancies

I guess you never studied stats at all. Firstly, as repeatedly said above, contraception is very effective. Secondly, by the time your friends are in their forties they have likely had decades of using contraception and are pretty good at using it properly, and thirdly, if they are in their 40's, they are significantly less fertile anyway than they were earlier in their lives.

I guarantee you you know women who have had contraceptive failures at some point in their lives. That doesn't mean your particular group of 40+ friends need to be all getting knocked up to prove this to be true.

Sallystyle · 16/02/2015 17:43

Grackle I thought that with the copper coil an egg occasionally will be fertilised but the coil will stop it implanting.

Is that not true? I am sure I read that when I researched it.

grocklebox · 16/02/2015 17:46

That is true, it is an occasional 2nd step if the primary action fails. However an unimplanted fertilised egg is not a pregnancy and preventing it from implanting is not by any stretch an abortion.

BatteryPoweredHen · 16/02/2015 17:46

I suspect this is a thinly veiled anti-choice rant...difficult to tell though.

Although is usually is with that bunch...

BatteryPoweredHen · 16/02/2015 17:47

Btw, most LARC are more effective than sterilisation, so YABU either way...

Sallystyle · 16/02/2015 17:47

Ok, I completely agree with you that it isn't an abortion.

StrumpersPlunkett · 16/02/2015 17:48

there are many failsafe options including sterilisation.DH and I are young active sexually but are not going to have any more children.
He has had a vasectomy. No sperm means no babies.
simples

Sallystyle · 16/02/2015 17:53

Well I know someone who got pregnant after the big V.

So it does happen. unless she had an affair and pretended it was her husbands

BatteryPoweredHen · 16/02/2015 17:54

Stumpers, I wish you could see the anguish and heartache that early vasectomies cause in men trying to have a second family after a first marriage fails (as half of them do)

It is sadly really common in my age group, and while I accept that the wives in that scenario a decade ago didn't have access to the same contraceptive choices that today's women do, I think it really unwise for a man to have a vasectomy when the woman has the option of a more effective and fully reversible option.

StrumpersPlunkett · 16/02/2015 17:54

the only pregnancy after vasectomy that I know of was a family who admit that they didn't do the post vasectomy tests to see if it had worked. (obviously it hadn't!)

grocklebox · 16/02/2015 17:54

Me too so he said anyway

I think its of those pretty rare bu def possible things?

StrumpersPlunkett · 16/02/2015 17:57

Please don't think we did it lightly Battery.
We had all the questions, what if one of our children died, would we want another one? What if I died and DH married again? But for us it was the right solution.
TBH I really don't think you can make choices in your life based on worst case scenario - which is what you are suggesting.

BatteryPoweredHen · 16/02/2015 17:59

Strumpers, I meant couples actively trying to have a baby later in life, who can't because the man had a vasectomy when younger.

Thousands and thousands spent on ivf and so much pain Sad

BatteryPoweredHen · 16/02/2015 18:02

X post, sorry

I hope that is the case for you, but I know two men who were completely convinced that it was the right decision at the time, 10 years on they bitterly regret it.

My point is that at the time, vasectomy was the safest/easiest option, do they took it, nowadays, there are better and reversible choices that are so much less risky.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2015 18:05

DH really wanted a vasectomy

I wasn't so keen on the idea but we felt our family was complete and we had a condom split, I didn't take the morning after pill at that time

expatinscotland · 16/02/2015 18:12

DH had a vasectomy when DS was nearly. Then, our eldest child died. Still no regrets on both our parts.

I have several female friends who chose sterilisation, SIL, too. Again, no regrets and 3 of them are now menopausal.

It is a completely viable option.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2015 18:14

Exactly, Strumpers. Sorry, DS was nearly 2 when he had it.

MauriceTheCat · 16/02/2015 18:27

The percentages on this thread prove that

(1) Most sensible women know contraception is not infalible (and they are not judging people who do have failures - but are sympathising that it does). And Most nower days understand what they can do to minimise failures but accept it is always a risk

(2) Most sensible women are happy to live in a time when they do have a choice as to whether to have a say on their fertility either temporary or permanently, and if they need it they have a choice as to whether to continue the pregnancy and then if you do whether to give that child up for adoption

(3) That the OP is so fixated on her point - she doesn't want to see that infertility and the choice to have children is not as easy as point (2) because of the blocks which are placed in their way

so based this I think you are BVVVU and sadly narrow minded

What is really bugging you - and can we help?

skylark2 · 16/02/2015 18:32

"Can be planned" is not the same as "there is a zero chance of your plans going wrong". Of course kids can be planned. Most kids are planned.

"Because the numbers just don't add up for someone who is possessed of a reasonable amount of fertility."

Don't be ridiculous. Even with your figures, planning will work just fine for 49 out of every 50 couples. A 2% chance of plans not working isn't "don't add up", it's a really very small risk. Also, you do realise that those figures are based on using a method for a year, right? It's not each time you have sex?

If having a baby would be a disaster for you, then you probably want to reduce that 2% chance still more (pill + condoms is pretty darn safe) but that's rather different from a couple who aren't actively trying for a child right now but want one in the fairly near future.