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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
olbas · 15/02/2015 11:38

They are just being smug, ignore them. I'm a sahm and would go back to work in a heart beat but can't. Are you looking foreward to going back?

PastPerfect · 15/02/2015 11:39

I think you're being over sensitive - I've mostly heard it said in a self deprecating rather than boastful way. Acknowledging the fact that they are perhaps in a fortunate situation?

TwoOddSocks · 15/02/2015 11:39

Yes it's smug, it's fine to be glad you're staying home but what purpose do they think is served by saying it in that context.

HeadDoctor · 15/02/2015 11:40

Pre-empting the "lucky you!" or "it's alright for some" comments you get if you just say you're a SAHM.

EBearhug · 15/02/2015 11:40

Perhaps they were in jobs they didn't enjoy and have forgotten that some people have other reasons for working.

Have to admit, I do currently envy people who don't need to work financially, because if I could afford to do it, I'd be quite tempted just to walk out of my current job. As it is, I just have to stay there while looking for something which will be more mentally satisfying and less frustrating and more likely to be working with people who treat me like an equal rather than patronise me and treat me like a child.

But even with endless amounts of money, I'd still need to be doing something, be it paid work or studying or something. Not having to work for financial reasons does give you more choice though.

The80sweregreat · 15/02/2015 11:40

Just ignore them. You have to do whats right for you and your family. I know its hard...

brilliantsunshine · 15/02/2015 11:40

I think I've been guilty of doing this Blush I don't quite say it like that though I don't say I'm lucky just that there isn't a rush for me to go back to work financially...I find I say it because I always feel the need to justify being a sahm and so I just start waffling on. I feel a bit embarrassed just saying that I want to stay at home at the moment because everyone else is saying they want to work or they'd go mad.
The thing is I don't have a rich husband by any means !! We're not rich at all but we can pay our bills on one salary , we won't have any major holidays for a long time though and we have had to cut back on a few other things. So I guess it doesn't necessarily mean they are rich.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 15/02/2015 11:41

Well we're in this particular fortunate situation, where we can manage on one salary... But here's other reasons for working than immediate financial situation.

wobblyweebles · 15/02/2015 11:42

You're really determined to be offended aren't you?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/02/2015 11:43

It does sound very smug. There's never a 100% guarantee of a marriage working out so it's not wise to be so smug.

Bowlersarm · 15/02/2015 11:43

They're justifying it, having been used to getting less than complimentary comments about being SAHMs, or having their decision to stay at home questioned by all and sundry.

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 15/02/2015 11:44

That's so smug! There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM but have a little sensitivity towards the others who who would to be but have to work to support their family!

I also love the assumption off the smug mummies that they HAVE to go to work, maybe you're just choosing to? (Nothing wrong with that either!)

Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 11:44

I have said this on occasion or something similar but I can assure you it isn't meant as a boast.

So what 'I married a guy with money' ahem I take offence to that tbh.

My dh didn't have anything when we met or married!

That comment has a nasty undertone to it. Sour grapes.

Nolim · 15/02/2015 11:45

I think some parents become very defensive when it comes to the work/stay at home situation. But it does sound insensitive to say such a thing, cant they just say that they are happy to be sahp?

Ignore them.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 11:45

I don't have to work. I have my own money thanks. I didn't 'marry a guy with money' .

Cantbelievethisishappening · 15/02/2015 11:46

TBH I found being a SAHM exhausting and very isolating. For me going back to work almost felt like a break Smile

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/02/2015 11:49

Not everyone gets their money from a man! Some of us have our own incomes independent of our husbands which allows us not to work for a period.

I think you sound quite judgemental. It's just different situations and choices for different people. There's no smugness, top-trumping or value judgement being made by people who have chosen or have the opportunity to choose something different to you.

We all just make the best of the situation we're in. That statement outlines their situation. You make the value judgements - the issue is you.

Victoria2002 · 15/02/2015 11:49

Ditto pagwatch I'm a sahm, I worked and saved when I was young and made investments and don't have to work now.

lavendersun · 15/02/2015 11:50

I think it is a bit smug tbh. I don't work, I study full time instead.

I would love to work but had to give it up because DH works away a lot and I live so rurally there are few, if any childcare options, especially for long school holidays. For me studying works because I can miss the last hour of the day to get back to school and I get the holidays at home.

There are lots of reasons for not working, I tend not to say anything as I don't want to/feel the need justify why I do what I do.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 15/02/2015 11:50

It's smug and will bite them in the ass when the man leaves and takes his wallet with him.

It's mainly quoted as justification for not working. Sometimes it's because the man has no choice but to work as they both can't opt out and for others it means with that one salary and benefits they chose to not work.

nunkspugget · 15/02/2015 11:50

Are they discreetly trying to say they are not on benefits?

AmyElliotDunne · 15/02/2015 11:50

I think the fact that they are acknowledging that they are lucky means that they are mindful of the fact that you're going back to work and they are not and so by pointing it out they are almost justifying themselves for not going back.

Or as HeadDoctor more succinctly put it "Pre-empting the "lucky you!" or "it's alright for some" comments you get if you just say you're a SAHM."

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 11:50

My parents and brother died, so I wouldn't say I was lucky. Lucky that I inherited a wad I suppose.

Primaryteach87 · 15/02/2015 11:51

Eeek! I've said this. It's meant to convey that this is just how it's worked for us as a family and avoid sounding judgement about other women's situations/families... What would be a good way of putting it? X

cattypussclaw · 15/02/2015 11:51

I am guilty of saying this too, and it's really not meant to be smug at all. I do realise that there are a lot of Mums who would love to stay at home with their children but, for one reason or another, are unable to do so. I feel bad when I moan about being a SAHM (about being bored, or feeling useless) and feel I have to follow it up by emphasising that, despite the moaning, I realise I am in a fortunate position, acknowledging that I have a choice that other Mums don't. That's all. It's not a boast, in fact I am jealous of those Mums who have a proper full-on job but, at the time I gave up work, I had no inkling of the long term implications.

So I think YABU.