"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

[TerraNovice]

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

"ToBeeOrNot
How depressing that so many assume that the only way a woman could be in this position is to have a rich husband."

Yes.
And how depressing the glee with which so many poster then wish a messy marriage break on the wife to teach her a lesson.

It's like the 1950s on here sometimes.

I say this sometimes, not to be smug but like the others to preempt questions about why. And I have my own money TYVM, from 'luck' like working hard, taking risks that worked, having illness insurance when I got cancer etc.

I'm not trying to be smug at all, or imply what I am doing is better for my family that those that work. Seems that is your own neurosis speaking!!

I genuinely feel lucky to have a long break, although I also love my job and would/will go back if it fits in our lives.

So yes, YABU.

YY pag

And absolutely, WhoKnows, I am jealous of those who work, in some ways. The sad fact is that, if I went back to work, I'd be lucky to earn 10% of what my husband does. We've done the maths and, after taking out childcare costs and taking into account the knock-on effect on homelife, we decided it wasn't worth it. That's not smugness, that's just being pragmatic.

It depends on how it's been said. I would never ever just come out and make that statement, but if someone is pushing, wanting to know why I don't work, I will say that financially I don't need to and I prefer to not to.

It's in no way down to a rich husband. I have my own money which is managed quite separately to his.

I always reply with: 'Oh, I don't need to work, I do it because I want to.'

Only if there's snarky comments about being best for her children etc. will I counter about not wanting my DDs to grow up without a working woman in the home as a role model.

What Moving said. Pitting sahm's against wohm's neatly disguises the fact that men get paid more than women for doing the same jobs, and no one expects them to find childcare, go part time, or take a career break. The men who do this are few and far between, but it is a choice faced by any woman who wants to become a parent.
Making unpleasant comments to those who've made a different choice perhaps reflects their own dissatisfaction with the choice they have made.

I sometimes mention it to justify not returning to work as I feel people might judge me but it is in no way intended to be smug. I shall keep my mouth shut in future in case I offend random strangers anyone who knows me knows I am extremely un-smug

Well they possibly do feel lucky about it - good for them if they can afford not to have to.

Right, so no people have to lie so as not to offend you? Narcissistic much?

As for all the smug comments, you're all just as bad. 100 lines for all "the world does not revolve around me. My feelings are not all important"

I'm a SAHM, my DH currently earns the wages but we view it as family money as he couldn't do that without my providing the childcare. So sad that so many posters think he's going to run off with someone!

Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially

There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

Sorry, where is the caveat, OP?

Unless you know the ins and outs of their personal finances, you don't know whether they're relying on 'rich husbands' or not.

I'm giving up work a few years when current bump is born. I tend to phrase it as "We'll manage on one wage".

I really resent the way some of you would assume I can only do that because I married a rich man! We've made careful financial decisions, saved hard, been pretty frugal, borrowed £100k less than the bank would lend us in order to have a manageable mortgage, avoided fancy holidays etc etc. Not much of that is down to luck. We've planned this lifestyle, and it won't be a walk I the park.

Ignore it.

I used to get wound up by people sayinng that they "couldn't afford not to work" because it was like a stealth boast to me, meaning my earning potential is so good it covers childcare for two and a bit left over afterwards obviously.

So it's ALL relative. Some people take on massive mortgages. (because they have to or because they overstretch themselves a bit).

Other people live very firmly within their conservatively estimated means.

Really rather misogynistic as well to assume the rich husbands. Maybe they are successful women with their own large income? Jealousy is an ugly quality OP.

At the times when I have been a SAHM I've said something along these lines because if I don't, someone else will tell me how lucky I am. In actual fact my husband is on a very low wage and at these times we have had to manage on very little money.

I think it's probably best not to spend too much time thinking about what other people do - whether they work or don't, and how they feel about their own choices. I don't think that sentence sounds smug, I probably said something similar myself when I was at home with my two children. Now I'm our family's sole breadwinner and I don't feel smug saying that either. Everyone's just trying to do their best with what they've got, surely.

I say this, and I say it because I appreciate the position I am in - no smugness or malice intended. It's not my fault you're projecting.

You can find offence in anything these days to be honest.

ps, totally agree with posters who say that women should stand together.

Every mother does what's right or easiest for her at the time, and often it means a sacrifice now or a sacrifice later, or it means being judged, or pitied, or envied.

Men don't have to experience this tightrope, and as pointed out, they earn more.

In real life, no woman / mother that I've been acquainted with in real life has failed to grasp the reasoning behind the decisions I've made, and even if I were judged, I know that I made the right decision given all the facts (being single, low earning potential, child with a mild sn). I know that I did the right thing. But now I'm a single woman who earns a low wage. Still, like another poster who wisely plans to say "we'll manage on one wage'', I've made good decisions, thinking about the long term.

The media wants us to argue about it though. Have any of you EVER had an argument about what is right or wrong in real life!!?? Because in real life people are individuals. It's only in the media that it's one decision versus another decision with no shades of grey.

I don't see why women should carry the can for perpetuating the species! Even if they step out of the workplace because they earn less and can't afford to pay somebody else to look after their own child, why should they pay for that later? women should be paid more and it should be easier for us to return to the workplace after motherhood. I don't mean ML.

People do find offence at everything these days. I don't think it's smug, it's a fact though? If you are feeling terrible about your own situation you will find it smug, if you are happy with your situation you don't read anything into the comment.

I don't have to work financially but if I didnt, I would be dependent on my husband which I don't want to be, ever. It would sound v smug if I went around in real life saying I didn't have to work though....

MN seems to have floods of women who are independently wealthy, don't work, aren't financially dependent on their husbands and have made their own money.

Please can you tell me where to invest? I want to join your ranks!

Also, most women feel they have to qualify their decision.

So it's never just I'm returning to work or I'm minding the baby.

It's I'm returning to work because we need my salary too
or I'm minding the baby because I don't earn enough to pay a childminder.

We should all stop qualifying our decisions. It serves no purpose really. It sounds like an invitation to judge - not your actual decision - but the reason for your decision.

The whole thing is like a dog chasing its tail. The reason we all qualify our decision is because we feel we need to justify our decision. But it doesn't mean we'll be judged less.

So whatever you decide just announce it!

They're justifying it, having been used to getting less than complimentary comments about being SAHMs, or having their decision to stay at home questioned by all and sundry.

Yes. This.

I am amazed that so many people think that it is smugness when people say this.
It is just a fact. They don't need to work outside the home at the minute. One wage covers the family's outgoings.
YABU
And I am genuinely shocked at the marrying a rich man/giving up work to become Lady Muck/he will leave her for a twenty something soon ha ha!
WTF?!

God, even worse, I worked with one lady who said to me, no word of a lie: 'if course it is really hard for me when the job gets tough because my salary is so tiny compared to my DH, so I just feel like I could pack it in.'

Yeah, great thanks. We were on the same salary & in my house I was the major bread winner. Lucky me, eh? No temptation to jack it in