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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
AggressiveBunting · 15/02/2015 11:54

Well also, people say this when they mean "I can make the rent this month without working" which is pretty short termist- I doubt they all have 500k pension pots. Unless you're Bill Gates I'm sure you can always do with some more money, can't you?

tilder · 15/02/2015 11:55

Yes its smug. Imho often followed by comments along the line of 'am doing the best thing for my family' with the inference that a working mum isn't.

I usually respond by saying financially I don't need to work. But I choose to. Tends to shock people and the conversation moves on.

I sometimes wish I didn't work. Life would be easier if I didn't. But there are a myriad of reasons to work and these far outweigh the drawbacks.

Bellerina2 · 15/02/2015 11:55

They are being a bit smug. I've heard similar from women who say they do work even though "financially" they don't need to. Why say that at all?

Trills · 15/02/2015 11:56

It depends very much on who is saying it and in what way.

If this is someone who you like, you could give them the benefit of the doubt and think that acknowledging that luck has a big part to play in their situation is a lot less smug than thinking that it's all down to their own cleverness.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 15/02/2015 11:57

Maybe they are secretly a bit jealous, they'd quite like to go back but feel they can't justify it (or their DHs don't want them to) when they have high earning husbands.

diggerdigsdogs · 15/02/2015 11:57

YABU.

I say this too because I am fucking lucky to be in a position where I don't HAVE to work. I feel very lucky to have the luxury of choice. Would it be better if I made some horrible smug comment about it being because DH worked hard? Or because we are good with money?

How on earth is it anything other than luck to be in this position? Unless you think SaHMs are going out and mercinarily searching for wealthy husbands Hmm

OhFlippityBolax · 15/02/2015 11:57

I just respond to that 'neither do I but i need to keep something going for me and it pays for the extras'

candyflosssky · 15/02/2015 11:57

Don't we all just do the best we can with what we've got?

Circumstances led me to be a SAHM and I got a right old kicking on here for it, as I said I couldn't really get my head around a future where I worked.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/02/2015 11:57

Hmm, is it better to be smug or judgemental?

Justwhy · 15/02/2015 11:57

I say this all the time. Normally to justify myself to people who ask how I am a SAHM or why I'm not doing more hours at work. (Work one day per week). I don't say it as a conversation starter but when DS got to one it was a daily conversation with people. Maybe they should mind their own business so I don't have to say it!

And as for the husband might leave comments, well aren't you charming!

I met my husband at university, we both spent many years having nothing. If you're jealous of me now then that's your problem, not mine.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 11:58

Are people really surprised that you chose to work but don't have to Tidier?

That's a perfectly usual idea isn't it? Why are people surprised?

Snow White. My DH could leave with his wallet and my ass would remain utterly unbitten.

Bellerina2 · 15/02/2015 11:58

Sorry tilder that wasn't aimed at you. Saying that in response to the original smug comment is fine, it's just saying it unprompted when talking about work in general that I find odd.

Gunpowder · 15/02/2015 12:00

When you get married doesn't it become joint money? That's how I see it. Blush

PastPerfect · 15/02/2015 12:00

It's smug and will bite them in the ass when the man leaves and takes his wallet with him

You sound pretty bitter snow

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/02/2015 12:02

This is just another rehash of the old SAHM vs wohm thing.

Except there really isn't a thing. People make the choice that is right for their family and it is in no way a criticism or judgement of your choice if it is different. Nor is it a validation of your choice if it is the same.

Can we all stop being so ridiculous now? There is no debate. There are just different personal choices.

Only1scoop · 15/02/2015 12:02

I work part time I guess we are comfortable off enough that I don't have to. I would never ever say anything like that ever. There is a lovely lady at the local pub who I hear all the time saying 'Dh has his own business I don't need to work for the money I just enjoy it' but she tells everyone ....customers ....other staff....it's as though she actually really needs them to know Confused

FluffyMcnuffy · 15/02/2015 12:02

It does sound very smug. There's never a 100% guarantee of a marriage working out so it's not wise to be so smug.

This

cattypussclaw · 15/02/2015 12:02

Well I am absolutely not being smug tilder and I would never imply that a working Mum isn't doing the best for her family. Each family's situation is unique and everyone does the best they can. Sometimes that means staying at home, sometimes that means having to go back to work. There is no obvious right or wrong. As a SAHM, I simply acknowledge that I am lucky to have the choice of working or not, and not have circumstances dictate what I do. Nothing smug about it, just a recognition that I am fortunate.

MsAnndrist · 15/02/2015 12:02

I've heard "don't have to work financially but I do anyway" from someone recently. Given that she thinks being on benefits is "a lifestyle choice " and complains that she and her husband earn too much to qualify for child benefit I'd say that in her case yes, she is smug!

BoozeyTuesday · 15/02/2015 12:03

I've always been a single parent so have had to work but even if I had a rich husband, I would still work. I'd hate the idea of being at home with kids all the time, it would be a nightmare (to me) so surely some women choose to work, whether the financial imperative is there or not.

PastPerfect · 15/02/2015 12:03

I find people women were hugely judgemental re my decision to return to work when we didn't need to.

Funnily enough after my DH returned to work after being a SAHD everyone thought it was incredibly positive Hmm

ToBeeOrNot · 15/02/2015 12:04

How depressing that so many assume that the only way a woman could be in this position is to have a rich husband.

PastPerfect · 15/02/2015 12:05

Genuine question - why do you think wives of rich husbands will get "bitten on the arse" if their DH leave?

Seriouslyffs · 15/02/2015 12:06

It's very difficult to remain mindful of everyone else's situations at all times, although in this case it's does seem as if this information has been volunteered unnecessarily.
My take home pay is 10% of DHs and I pay more than anyone else into my pension as it's matched by the company. That's got out (thank's finance Hmm) and I feel bad- there's also a whole world of conversations about juggling financially I just can't join in without sounding like Marie Antoinette.

Stinkle · 15/02/2015 12:06

Pre-empting the "lucky you!" or "it's alright for some" comments you get if you just say you're a SAHM.

Yes!

Either that or there's some comment about how they're hardworking tax payers subsidising me to claim benefits to stay home

Especially now my children are at school (I'm actually a foster carer and our local authority won't let you work)

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