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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:19

It's smug and will bite them in the ass when the man leaves and takes his wallet with him

Ahhh, the constant need to predict a SAHM's downfall. Now is that better than being smug?

Waiting, actively wanting someone's marriage to fail so the SAHM falls on her arse as some sort of payback for being able to be at home. Don't let the fact that she has children to support worry you while you plot her demise, will you!

Datahub · 15/02/2015 13:20

I love working. I love working women.
I feel sorry for those stuck at home

Viviennemary · 15/02/2015 13:21

Of course some women have private means. But women who don't should be aware of the implications of not working for a very long period of time. That's what I'm saying. Probably in not a very clear way. What happens when maintenance for children is no longer paid. What happens in the case of they've not got a pension. How will they live. If I sound a pessimist then I'm sorry. But it must be thought about sooner rather than later.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/02/2015 13:21

why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband? They didn't say that, that is your assumption. And possibly incorrect.

Exactly. Being 'lucky' enough to be able to juggle the finances for a while (or forever) so that one of you can be a SAHP while the other works full time does not necessarily mean they are rich. It just means they've made certain choices about what to prioritise and what to let go. Some people couldn't possibly be a SAHM if it meant a smaller house, older car, or no foreign holidays, no private school. For them that would be a sacrifice they were not prepared to make. To others it's just the price they pay for a few years to be at home while their children are young.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 13:22

I think there must be few things more wonderful than getting up each day to do a job you love.
If I was going to envy anything it would be that.

As it is I console myself with doing what the fuck I want.

Amummyatlast · 15/02/2015 13:23

Well my DH ought to worry then, because it seems that if I leave him he won't have a penny to his name, what with him being the SAHP and all (and he earned more than me before he chose to be the SAHP).

(Conveniently forgetting about the fact we planned this, and so there would be savings to fall back on if I screwed him over.)

SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 13:23

YANBU - it's

I've heard it said over the years by a few people (always women, funnily enough...) - the most recent was a woman who was debating whether or not to go back to a teaching job that had just come up because "it's not as if we need the money or anything". This was to a group of women who did all work Hmm

Personally I don't think it 'lucky' to be stuck at home looking after kids while relying on another adult for your lifestyle, but I manage to keep my opinion of what makes someone lucky or unlucky to myself in RL.

HeadDoctor · 15/02/2015 13:23

I've been a SAHM before and had to go to work when I split with my exH - part time job, tax credits etc. It was a vulnerable position and yet I have chosen to do it again. I personally believe this is the best thing for my daughter and will still believe this if my second marriage doesn't work out and I find myself reliant on the state again. Not everything in life is about money and material riches. Choosing to put myself in this vulnerable position is a legitimate choice. I'd rather she had me at home and I had less money than the alternatives.

To be honest I think what people find offensive says more about them than whoever said it most of the time.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 13:24

No, sorry Viviennemary. My fault.

I do understand what you are saying. I was responding to the gleeful 'haha, he and his wallet will leave' stuff from other posters too.

HeadDoctor · 15/02/2015 13:24

Sir - the key word there is "stuck". I'm not stuck. This is my choice.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:24

There are lots of threads on MN about women left high and dry by men financially. To pretend it doesn't happen is plain daft.

My issue is not with the suggestion that it happens but with the assumption that it will happen. Exactly! Like it used as some kind of revenge for the mum daring to be 'smug'

I feel sorry for those stuck at home is there any need for that? Why can't we just support what each mum wants to do without resorting to calling them smug, plotting their downfall, offering them pity (I don't need it, for sure, I LOVE being at home with my kids, otherwise I wouldn't do it).

Why do we have to hold the choices we make, for the good of our family, against each other? As if those who choose to do the opposite of what we believe is right, is letting the side down?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/02/2015 13:24

Data why on earth would you feel sorry for us? The vast majority of SAHMs do it out of choice and we are very happy to be able to have that choice. We don't need your pity, thanks.

If you want to pity anyone, pity the women who have to go to work but wish they didn't.

lotsofcheese · 15/02/2015 13:26

The ideal response to the OP is "I'm lucky, I can afford to pay for childcare & someone else to clean the house so I can escape the drudgery

SASASI · 15/02/2015 13:26

I think it sounds a tag smug but then I would love to have the choice of not going back to work so maybe that's the green eyed monster kicking in on my behalf!

I just keep telling myself I'm lucky to have got part time hrs & it's gd to stay in the workplace for the future.

SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 13:27

It may be your choice - but your choice certainly isn't something I view as 'lucky', as I explained. As I also said - I keep my opinions of what constitutes lucky or unlucky in RL and wish those women (always women...) who automatically assume that everyone thinks the same thing would do the same.

TwoOddSocks · 15/02/2015 13:30

Reading these comments has made me realise that almost everyone is slightly defensive about the decisions they make. Saying

"I feel sorry for SAHM's"

or making derogatory remarks about working women betrays an insecurity in your own choices. It shouldn't be very difficult to realise that what works for your family might not be what another family would want so I can only imagine you're putting down other choices out of personal insecurity.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/02/2015 13:32

Can anyone tell me is the proper response then, if you are chatting with a group of women who work or are contemplating returning to work, when they turn to you and say 'so what about you then?

HeadDoctor · 15/02/2015 13:33

No, that doesn't make sense. There are options after the birth of a child. I wanted this option. I am lucky to be able to have this choice because it's the one I want. How could it possibly be "unlucky" to be doing what I want even when I've considered all of the drudgery and financial risk? I don't assume anyone else wants to do the same as me. Lucky is getting to choose the option you want, not any particular option for all.

Whether you would feel lucky to be at home is something else altogether.

APlaceInTheWinter · 15/02/2015 13:33

I'm really struggling with the idea that a woman who doesn't need to work financially must be living off her DH's money. How sexist is that? What century are we living in? Confused

I don't think saying that you don't need to work makes you smug. I think they are automatically justifying their choices and pre-empting that you may ask them to justify why they are not returning to work.

It seems women can't win either way. They're constantly held up to scrutiny whether they are working or SAHM.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2015 13:33

OP, I see what you mean but it doesn't necessarily mean they married a rich husband unless they openly say so.
There are so many different circumstances that would mean somebody didn't have to work.

I must admit it is something i might say, but certainly wouldn't mean it in a smug way, because I realise some people enjoy working and don't just do it for the money. So why would anybody think it was better not to work unless like me they don't want to work.

My dh isn't rich, infact we are a very low income and I am sahm.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 13:34

[sigh]

The axe grinding remains depressing.

If I hear a woman talking positively about her choices I don't take that as a judgement upon mine.
If I did I would wonder why I felt quite so defensive.

I hate how stilted women have to be about what is working for them, right now, for fear that some random person will see a slight.

Do what suits you.
You situation, finances, children, temperament, relationships etc etc will all play into your personal choice. No one else is exactly where you are. Why judge them as judging you?

Norfolkandchance1234 · 15/02/2015 13:35

It is a very smug statement I agree but could hide the fact they are scared to admit they are lacking in skills to go back into the workplace.

Plus some mums love to work, I know I do, and other mums love being at home, I know I did when I took a couple of years off.

The problem is if you want to work and can't find the right job or if you want to stay at home but have to work.

Nothing wrong with being a working mum or being a SAHM IMHO.

TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 15/02/2015 13:36

YANBU.

I've said it myself a number of times. And felt dirty afterwards.

I'm sorry.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/02/2015 13:36

"Don't need to work, financially" to me means

  • mortgage paid off
  • pension pot
  • personal finances in place if marriage ends

I do know some people in this position but certainly not most.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:38

Perhaps we should be thinking that WOOH mums are smug?

I mean they can afford to pay for childcare, so they don't have the drudgery of raising children, they must be loaded! How smug to rub my nose in it that they can afford to offload their offspring so they don't have the drudgery of raising children, so someone else can raise them. How smug to rub my nose in it that because they work they can afford to holiday twice a year etc etc

Oh & don't forget that as a WOOH mum, you could lose your job too...or your dh could run off with his wallet, and your wage may not be enough to live the life you are accustomed to. Or you could be forced to take a pay cut and lose your house...

FWIW, I don't actually think like that, but that attitude would have most of those here who are calling SAHM smug, up in arms! Quite rightly! But it is no worse than saying SAHMs are smug & predicting that their dh will run off with his wallet.

Hypocritical, much?