Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Oh I'm lucky that I don't need to work, financially"

927 replies

TerraNovice · 15/02/2015 11:35

I'm going back to work next month and while chatting with other mums about it I've come across the above phrase a few times. Perhaps IBU but it sounds insufferably smug to be - so they married guys with money, so what? There's nothing wrong with saying you're a SAHM so why add the caveat that you've got a rich husband?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 13:39

Can anyone tell me is the proper response then

Just "I'm probably going to leave it a while before I think about what to do with work" or something along those lines would be fine. Don't make any reference to seeing yourself as 'lucky' (which implies more fortunate imo) compared to others who are going back to work, or the fact that you 'don't need the money', esp. when everyone else in the group is working.

Equally, don't express disbelief that anyone would want to be a SAHM - but that's not the topic of this thread.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 15/02/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:44

but your choice certainly isn't something I view as 'lucky',

To be honest, whether you view it as lucky or not isn't my concern. I view it as lucky. That is all I need.

It is a very smug statement I agree but could hide the fact they are scared to admit they are lacking in skills to go back into the workplace.

Wow...what a massive assumption to make! perhaps I could make the assumption that a WOOH mum is scared to admit that she isn't able to raise her child adequately?*

*again, I don't think that, just counter arguing to show how insulting your assumption is

CandODad · 15/02/2015 13:45

I'm a SAHD,

My wife supporting me has meant I am able to work on a career change. I wouldn't dream telling others that I was "lucky". Yes it's great being able to spend more time with the children but we also make sacrifices so that can happen.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/02/2015 13:45

Fuck me some of you are seriously lacking in imagination. Can you really only see other people's decisions in the context of your own preferences? You like working therefore you feel sorry for sahms? You like being at home with the dc therefore you feel sorry for wohm? Really? You really feel sorry for them regardless of whether it is through choice or circumstance that they are in that position?

The only people I feel sorry for are those who through circumstance are stuck doing something they don't want to be doing. Oh and those who are too thick to grasp that not everybody feels the same way they do about things.

TheWordFactory · 15/02/2015 13:46

Well of course it is lucky to not have to work to pay the bills. No doubt about it.

But when people have said it to me it's usually to point out that they have a well paid husband.

I usually just say that I don't need to work either. I just want toGrin.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:48

Can anyone tell me is the proper response then

Whatever the hell you feel describes your position accurately! If that is "I am lucky enough to stay at home" so be it. If I say it I certainly won't feel guilty, dirty etc.

I do feel I am lucky. I have the free time to volunteer, and the time to to be involved in the school & I don't miss school events. That makes me lucky in my view.

If people interrupt that as smugness, so be it. The people who think that won't be close friends & family, so their opinion doesn't matter to me wither way!

rambunctious · 15/02/2015 13:49

I could afford to earn less and primarily live off an inheritance, but I would never admit that irl because it would sound unbearably smug (all my colleagues work because financially they HAVE to). Some things you just don't need to share with others apart from strangers on an internet forum.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 15/02/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickyEds · 15/02/2015 13:51

But women who don't should be aware of the implications of not working for a very long period of time

SAHMs are not a bunch of idiots!! I think most families discuss and consider the implications of their family planning/childcare/career progression before they make the decision that one parent should SAH.

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:51

Come on, SirChenjin why do we, as mums have to hide our true feelings over our personal situations?

My feeling lucky to be at home has nothing to do with what anyone else in my social circle does. Thankfully, my friends don't judge me, or think I am smug for being able to stay at home. They see me as a mum doing what I feel is right for MY fmaily, the same way I see them.

telling someone not to describe their situation as lucky stinks of trying to suppress, or asking her to suppress her feelings. No women in 2015 should have to suppress her feelings on anything!

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:53

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut All I see, whether looking at a mum who works, or one who doesn't, is a mum doing what she thinks is right for her family.

I find it pretty sad that in 2015 we are still having this debate, tbh.

SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 13:54

I view it as lucky. That is all I need

I don't view it as lucky, you do - and so it goes round in circles. What's important is that you don't advertise the fact that you don't see being a AHM/WOHM as being luckier than the alternative, otherwise you're likely to look like a prat or get people's backs up.

SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 13:55

No women in 2015 should have to suppress her feelings on anything!

Really? No, don't buy that - not if you want to get on with people.

tilliebob · 15/02/2015 13:55

No one needs to work - it's all relative isn't it? I haven't worked full time since our first dc was born 16 years ago. However, we don't have a new car and haven't been abroad in about 8 years. It depends what your priorities are and what you are prepared to sacrifice. I had to work to pay the mortgage, and if DH hadn't got a better paid job a few years ago I'd be back full time now as the main wage earner.

The clothes I'm wearing right now, nothing is less than 5 years old. My trainers are probably double that. We shop in Aldi not M&S, blah blah....if I worked full time we'd be able to buy/do/save so much more - like I say, priorities!

BikeRunSki · 15/02/2015 13:57

I consider myself lucky that I am not financially dependent on another person like my grandmother, mother and sister. I may be a wage slave, on Monday, but I am a free (wo)man on Sunday. ??

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2015 13:58

Saying I feel lucky is not suggesting I am luckier than the other party!

If they feel that is what I am implying, perhaps they need to visit their choices & see if they are doing what is best for the family, instead of feeling put down by my choices.

After all, my working friend has recently got a mortgage for an investment property. She feels lucky that she has something to provide for her now, when she is older & something to leave her children etc.

I don't interrupt that as her saying her children are luckier than mine because they will have a house when they grow up.

If I did think that, it would be my problem, not hers.

APlaceInTheWinter · 15/02/2015 14:01

What's important is that you don't advertise the fact
No that isn't what's important. What's important is that we can all make our own choices whether that's about our finances; careers or choice of words. I cannot even imagine an equivalent decree on a male forum ie 'don't advertise that you think you're lucky or that you have money or that you're happy with your life choices' It's an insidious attempt to control and belittle women's choices.
Some people can always find something to offend them. Let them! Don't pander to them ffs.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 14:02

Saying 'I feel lucky' is not something anyone should avoid saying because 'luck' is a moveable feast.

I feel very lucky to have a cricket season ticket. If I say this should I feel awful because I have potentially crowed over the hoards of ticketless cricket fans at the school gate?

Really ?

SirChenjin · 15/02/2015 14:04

Saying I feel lucky is not suggesting I am luckier than the other party!

In the context of the OP, it suggests that to me. It doesn't mean anyone needs to 'revisit their choices' - it just means that claiming one choice is 'lucky' compared to another is pointless.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this.

Thumbwitch · 15/02/2015 14:05

It depends on whether they sound smug when they say it. Or do they say it in a "I really do realise how lucky I am" fashion?

I really do realise how lucky I am to have the choice; although part of my choice was kind of removed when I emigrated to Australia. If I was still in the UK I'd still be working at my self-employed job that had a good, trusted client base - but since I left all that behind to emigrate, part of the "deal" with DH was that I would be able to stay at home with the DC until they went to school.
Once Ds2 is in school, I will be able to start my work again, because I will have to do it in an outside-the-home location, whereas in the UK I could work from home, thanks to the trusted aspect of my client base. Can't start with people in the home, I'm not prepared to do that - certainly not with preschool-age children in the house as well.

Bowlersarm · 15/02/2015 14:06

Pag you have a cricket season ticket Envy. Now, that is luck.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 14:09

It may be pointless. It is not necessarily smug and telling women to suppress their views of their own circumstances in order to avoid the potential for any possible slight to any woman who has chosen differently is just plain old women slagging off other women. Again.

Added to which I've never been in a conversation with another person where I had to ponder if they were being a smug cunt or not.
Have we lost the ability to read intent?
I tend to know and feel annoyed if they were being a twat and let it go if I read some vague judgement in their words.

Because I'm a grown up and don't need protecting from imagined superiority.

Pagwatch · 15/02/2015 14:11

I know Bowlersarm
[smug]

Oval debenture tickets. Awesome.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 15/02/2015 14:11

Fuck me some of you are seriously lacking in imagination. Can you really only see other people's decisions in the context of your own preferences?

It's something of a common affliction on MN, I find. Grin