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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No flowers today from DH of 14 years - Aibu to be upset?

316 replies

DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 21:45

Got DH a lovely card and a Valentine cookie which I placed on his nightstand to be there for him when he wakes up today. He didn't get me anything saying that he has been unwell all week and staying at home with DC which have also been sick. I was understanding of course but said that would still be lovely to have flowers today. Brought son from football at 5 pm - no flowers.

By then I got sick of posts on all the social networks showing pix of cards and gifts other wives have got today - so pretty much burst in tears. That's when DH gave me a card which he signed with really lovely words. Seeing how upset I was he went out and got me those bloody flowershich were no good by that point.

After that he hasn't been taking to me and when I tried to make peace he began shouting that he had a temperature and it was unfair to make him go out (the temperature was 37,3, the shop is 2 min away and he drove). I would say not a big sacrifice for a wife but he clearly thought I was being unreasonable. Then I asked when did he buy the card (it occurred to me that if beforehand then why didn't I get it in the morning? If today then why didn't he get the flowers?) He barked that it was none of my business.

All in all, I have a really lovely loving card, a bunch of my favorite flowers and a shitty mood coupled with a row with DH. Nice Valentines for me.

Was I BU?

OP posts:
IAmAllImportant · 14/02/2015 22:51

My DP got me fuck all, but he did get up at 5.30am on his day off to drive me (with the DC) 26 miles to my placement!

He drove to collect me tonight and text me when he got there (my actual finish time) but then waited patiently until I really finished.

He is the person totally in control of the DCs lives, he knows when non uniform day is, when they need their PE kit and what instruments DD has to take in.

He is the person the school call first. He is the one who has told his workplace, the job he loves, that he is basically a single parent while I do my nursing degree!

This is real! Flowers, chocolate, cards, all can be faked, just a one off! The reality cannot!

I prefer my reality to some peoples fake any day, even the day after Valentines day! Especially the day after Valentines Day!

What is your reality?

TheCuttySnark · 14/02/2015 22:52

Need it Confused

If he has never had romantic tendencies (which is what I'm assuming from your posts), why are you suddenly expecting him to turn into the Milk Tray Man?

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:53

beavington Grin

Now, matters of real importance. There have been two excellent words used on this thread tonight...

Kvetching

And.....

Peffing

Grin

I would also like to point out that smokinggun is vv unreasonable for not knowing what a cheeseplant is. Where you deprived of plants during the eighties? I thought everybody's parents owned at least one....

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:54

We're not where....

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:54

IAm, what you are describing is a normal husband, not superhero. Mine is the same.

I am still failing to see why it should preclude romantic gestures on Vday, birthdays, etc.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:54

I would have been over the moon if he had gotten me a .99 p pack of chocolate hearts. It is the thought that counts.

But he got you a card, with his personal lovely thoughts on it. Surely that counts a lot?

CosmicDespot · 14/02/2015 22:54

OP if your dh doesn't buy into all that overt, showy 'romance' why do you want to make him? If it's soooooo important to you, why are you in a relationship with someone who thinks it's daft? If you want to buy him a card or whatever, that's up to you, but it doesn't mean he has to. Or do you only give in order to receive?

trashcanjunkie · 14/02/2015 22:54

Were.... Bastard iPad autocorrect

Momagain1 · 14/02/2015 22:54

That you had mentioned it before, and besides after all these years he probably knows you hope for them is the problem.

He can't say or do what suits him as a romantic gesture, as you have made it clear the only acceptable thing is the commercial script. You can't see what he does that should be appreciated as a loving gift, because you are too worried about whather or not he follows the script.

My husband learned as a child that husband's who make a big song and dance about doing all the right things on valetine's, birthdays and anniversaries are trying to dazzle the wife into ignoring the rest of the year, when they are useless gits. Perhaps your husband has similiar hang ups about the script.

Buy yourself some flowers every week at the grocery, and pay attention to each other's actual words, behaviour and action. You don't NEED these pro forma acts of romance, you need to look for the acts of romance that only you two would understand. And if you stop telling him how to behave, he may well bring flowers once in a while, and mean it.

RingtheBells · 14/02/2015 22:55

A lot of people buy this crap because they have partners that throw their toys out of the pram if they don't get anything.

ilovesooty · 14/02/2015 22:55

Poor sod. He's a hard worker and a good and caring dad and it isn't enough for you because he doesn't provide bits of tat.

SmokingGun · 14/02/2015 22:56

You don't "need" flowers, you want flowers.

To need something means you are likely to die without it. You will not die if you don't recieve flowers.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 22:56

Cutty, I meant romantic gestures without an occasion. If there is an occasion like today and Bday then there are usually flowers.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/02/2015 22:57

Yes, I forgot the personal and thoughtful card, which wasn't enough for you.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:57

I'm wondering if he actually gets you stuff for birthdays, but you dismiss them and they don't count like his card this morning.

TwinkieTwinkle · 14/02/2015 22:58

Your gift sounds like a quick, couple of quid buy when doing the shopping. Absolutely fair enough! But don't act like your husband, who has been ill, is in the wrong by not having a present for a FAKE 'holiday'! Even while ill he still went and bought you flowers. And you're still complaining. Get a fucking grip woman. The comments here are unanimous. I highly suggest you go, with your tale between your legs and apologise to you DH, for behaving like a child who didn't get what they asked for at Christmas.

TheCuttySnark · 14/02/2015 22:58

What about you? Do you make romantic gestures without occasion?

SmokingGun · 14/02/2015 22:58

Trashcan When I saw the picture I did recognise the plant, we just used to call if mums holey plant as kids. I hadn't really thought about it having an actual name Blush
I'm quite disappointed that in this day and age we can't make a plant grow cheese. Now THAT would be an awesome Valentine's day present Grin

bloodyteenagers · 14/02/2015 22:58

So he never cooks dinner for you.. Buys you something random throughout the year. Compliments you. Gives you cards. Never says I love you.plays with your hair. Holds your hand. Cups your face when kissing you.Shows you any type of affection suddenly. Back rubs. Forget to do something and at the last minute does something??

Really none of the above or similar? Stuff that is romantic other than a
Bunch of over priced flowers on a day of forced romance.

TheWitTank · 14/02/2015 22:59

Sorry op, I'm with everyone else. You are being feeble and ridiculous. I can't believe you actually cried over some fucking flowers, especially when your oh was feeling ill. Who are you to determine just how sick he is allowed to be? You can feel dreadful without a temp you know. I bet he feels fantastic now-feels crappy, wife moaned and cried about not getting flowers, moaned about getting flowers, and is sulking feeling hard done by. I wouldn't be speaking to you either, and I would have chucked your bloody flowers.
I'm sure you are not usually like this, so have a little word with yourself, listen to what people are telling you and go and make up with your husband. Life is far too short for such stupid arguments.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 22:59

If there is an occasion like today and Bday then there are usually flowers.

You are going round in circles and not making sense now.

because DH never buys them for me

So, what exactly does he get you and when?

HollyJollyDillydolly · 14/02/2015 22:59

Flowers are overrated. The personal card sounds lovely.

ouryve · 14/02/2015 23:00

I never got flowers bought for me as often as when my relationship with my ex was nearing its end. I'll never forget the £100 bunch of flowers that he bought me (with my card), had delivered to my work and that I had to somehow get home again. I then ended up having to borrow a big enough vase from a neighbour.

I'd have rather he just pulled his weight and treated me with some genuine respect. And stopped running up huge debts.

Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:03

Bloody, he holds my hand, says 'I love you a little bit' in a jokey way and shows affection. Never buys anything for me, doesn't cook dinner for me, doesn't go out with me. He isn't into all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
DieHardWithVengeance · 14/02/2015 23:04

Lweji, I said a few times - I get flowers twice a year. He never buys them in between.

OP posts:
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