to wake DH up and ask him to take DS?

[startrek90]

I have a 4 1/2 month old DS. I do all the night wakings and get up with him everyday. I have not had a full nights sleep since he was born. Its only fair as DH works ft.
Last night DH said he wanted to go out today to get some electronic parts (he restores old computer game stations as a hobby) and wanted me to come. He then wants us to watch rugby together and chill. Trouble is I have lots to do. I am really behind in cleaning and washing and I have Sunday school to prepare ( I look after 9 children for 3 hrs Sunday mornibg so their parents can enjoy church in peace) if I go out this morning I know I am going to be up late catching up. DS had a rubbish night last night and I am exhausted. Would I be unreasonable to wake DH at 11am and ask him to take DS for a few hours? He could still go out for those parts but I need to do the housework and washing. Or do you think I should just wait for DH to wake and go out and catch up later on and go to bed late. I know I am being lazy but I can't face staying up late tonight and getting up early tomorrow.

You're not wasting anyone's time. We just don't want you to waste yours.

OP. This is your life. This is your baby. You will not get this time back again. No one else gets to make your decisions for you. You want to go sit with the other new mummies and possibly make friends? Then do it. It is very clesrly the best decision. Grow a spine for goodness sake and tell your dh that you no longer provide a free babysitting service on Sundays. Tell dh to man up and work the hoover down those stairs. And i am sorry to shout but GET YOUR CHILD BRITISH CITIZENSHIP. You are now a parent. You have a responsibility to your child to secure their future. That includes taking the train or plane all by your own capable self back to the UK to visit your family and friends. And it means setting an example about how to live your own life by your own rules. Do not let your dc grow up seeing you as anyone's doormat.

I appreciate it but this has gotten out of control and I need to stop it all

OP, at our church,many of the volunteers who help with the kids are either single without kids or retired with grown up kids and we have a balance on male/female. The idea being that those mums who are exhausted with young kids,get to sit through church occasionally and recharge their spiritual batteries and get some peace and quiet. I cannot see how any church would expect the same mums to go out every week (for 3 hours!!) and never get to sit through church. I agree with whoever said that a large part of the service should include the kids and they should only need to go out during the sermon really. I do understand you wanting to stay committed. I honoured my slot on the rota with a recently broken leg...DH pushed me to church in wheelchair and the other helper had to do all the running around. It is good to be committed but equally important that YOUR needs are met. I remember a few years back, talking to our then vicar about our childrens worker, who led every week and never got to church.I felt that was not healthy.I asked him to do something about it. He told me it was none of my business and if she had a problem with that,it was for her to speak to him. A month later she had a total meltdown about something fairly minor and did not return to church for over a year.She never returned to childrens work. The church should be looking out for and caring for each other. You need to be clear with them about how you are feeling, and maybe go down to alternate weeks or have a break for a few weeks. Hope you get it sorted. I feel for you.x

Why do you need it to stop?

Hakluyt

Because I am feeling much worse now. I have been called names and embaressed my family online. I should know better.

OP, I'm worried for you. It seems to me that your church has an unusually strong hold over you. If you have faith, that faith should be personal to you and your god; it is not dependent on carrying out certain church obligations or fulfilling the desires of your husband and his family.

It's hard I know - but please do not allow yourself to become isolated in this way. It sounds as though your whole life is one of service and obligation, and that you have no opportunity to mix with other young mothers or people in your wider community.

This is not healthy, no matter what people in your life are telling you. Keep yourself safe.

You haven't embarrassed anyone.

I think people are just worried about you. When you are involved in a church so much it is hard to view it objectively. No one is asking you to give up your religion but this level of involvement and the involvement of dhs family isn't good for you or your health right now.

I read your thread about the lie-in and really felt for you with all the overwhelming and OTT responses. I expect you didn't mean for it all to end up being a thread to bash your DH.

I just wanted to recommend this book, ideally for you and DH to read together, but it's still valuable for you alone to read. It's about building a successful and loving Christ-centred marriage, and gives you a platform to discuss anything and everything from.

Life with a newborn is so tough and draining, and everything seems so much worse when it puts a strain on your marriage (and a baby does that for every couple, it's nothing to be ashamed of!).

Be kind to yourself x

I am feeling much worse now. I have been called names and embaressed my family online. I should know better

I don't remember anyone calling you names - but people are concerned for you. Perhaps they hope to shock you into taking some action to protect yourself. Your family is not embarrassed - we don't know them.

Don't set yourself such impossible standards. If you can't talk anonymously online, then - by your own admission - you have nobody to talk to outwith the family. That can't be right. Surely?

Here's the book www.amazon.co.uk/The-Marriage-Book-Nicky-Lee/dp/1905887396

Has someone you know read this thread and identified you?
Or do you just mean that you came on here to ask a simple question about waking your husband up, and it seems to have opened a whole can of worms?
Trouble is, the genie is now out of the bottle. You can bury your head in the sand for a while longer, but the nagging doubts will grow.
Sorry if that sounds a bit sinister, but you really are not being unreasonable here. You need to find your voice and speak up for yourself.

You work full time all week as well as him. At the weekend (or when he has time off) nighttime wakes etc. should surely be shared. Also, the Sunday school sounds full on with such a young ds, so he really needs to support you to do that more especially as you are supporting his interests.

You need to give up the Sunday School. You didn't have 'a calling', the church and your in-laws 'called you'. God doesn't expect us to neglect ourselves, exhaust ourselves, or be bullied into doing things we don't want or feel able to do. At this point, you can best serve God by being a non-tired, non-miserable mother to your own child. Being a good parent is (IMO) God's highest calling. As far as FiL being the Bishop's boss, it would seem to me that the Bishop should have to answer to a much Higher Authority than your FiL!

It sounds as if you're in a somewhat patriarchal church or is that just your husband's family? Why should you have to be worried or concerned about how you speak to your husband about things that are bothering you or asking him for help? God teaches men to 'love their wives as Christ loves the Church'. Is your husband loving you that unselfishly when you are exhausted and all he can think of is for you to fall in with what he wants to do of a weekend? I don't think so. I was raised in a basically patriarchal church, the man is the head of the home and all that. But let me tell you, although my father considered himself the head, he never made a single decision without first considering how it would affect my mother and talking to her.

At any rate, there is no reason you should be doing it 'all'. You have an absolute right to expect that the father of your child will pitch in, especially at weekends. When I was on maternity leave (we have 2 now-grown children) I did it 'almost all' but my DH certainly pitched in on the weekends and in the evenings. And he got off work at 2am! Our agreement was that he could sleep in on work days but that Saturdays and Sundays from 2-4 pm was my sacrosanct nap time. He cared for the children and I went into the bedroom, closed the door, and slept.

Unfortunately, you've allowed things to get out of control and now the expectations are that you are 'Superwoman'. Your going to have to put your foot down and demand help from your husband and respect from your in-laws.

Who told you your child wasn't eligible for a UK passport? Was it your 'D'H or his family? Perhaps someone who may have had an 'ulterior motive'?

Nobody has called you names except yourself. And you haven't embarrassed anyone. It may be hard for you to read that the situation you find yourself in is not normal- but do please think about it. And please could you just confirm that you've seen the posts saying that your son ^is* a British citizen?

I think the op is worried that she has been ID"d. Op, look after yourself and remember we are here if and when you need us

OP, your situation sounds very hard and I think any one of us would be struggling.

No-one will take a child from it's mother because they are suffering from depression
Your baby can be British and have a British passport
As a man who wants to spend time with you, he should be expected to listen to you, and be sensitive and supportive to your needs.

Take care of yourself and don't be so harsh on yourself - there are enough people asking the impossible of you.

You sound lovely.

Startrek I hope you are still reading this thread. I just want to let you know that I found the first few months with ds really hard. The lack of sleep, the difficulties I had with breast feeding, the lack of control, the constant worrying, the isolation. I tried my best to keep on top of everything but failed miserably.

I had a clear cut case of undiagnosed post natal depression. Which I didn't talk about to anyone. Until four years later when I had a breakdown and started seeing a counsellor.

Learn from my experience. Talk to someone. Is there a nice person through church you could quietly talk to. A home group leader? A fellow mum who has older children? A health visitor type person?

You are trying your best to be everything to everyone. But it can't work. You will snap. I often tell myself that there are no prizes nor medals for exhaustion. This mantra helps me when I am in a particular anxious phase.

Please talk to someone in confidence in real life. I will be thinking if you.

Sending you support op, sometimes truthful things can be hard to hear but everyone is just trying to help you.

Take some time to think about everything everyone has said, you need to put yourself and your child first for once.

Your dp's family and sunday school need to be secondary.

Hi startrek , replied on other thread but just wanted to reiterate, I'm in Germany and happy to help track down services in your area if you like, or if you need any language help making phone calls and stuff. I know DH could help but you might have to uncharacteristically put yourself first and get some support from outside, and leave finding the words to make him understand until you're feeling stronger.