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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wake DH up and ask him to take DS?

170 replies

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 08:37

I have a 4 1/2 month old DS. I do all the night wakings and get up with him everyday. I have not had a full nights sleep since he was born. Its only fair as DH works ft.
Last night DH said he wanted to go out today to get some electronic parts (he restores old computer game stations as a hobby) and wanted me to come. He then wants us to watch rugby together and chill. Trouble is I have lots to do. I am really behind in cleaning and washing and I have Sunday school to prepare ( I look after 9 children for 3 hrs Sunday mornibg so their parents can enjoy church in peace) if I go out this morning I know I am going to be up late catching up. DS had a rubbish night last night and I am exhausted. Would I be unreasonable to wake DH at 11am and ask him to take DS for a few hours? He could still go out for those parts but I need to do the housework and washing. Or do you think I should just wait for DH to wake and go out and catch up later on and go to bed late. I know I am being lazy but I can't face staying up late tonight and getting up early tomorrow.

OP posts:

needtomanup · 14/02/2015 08:56

I don't have kids and would never stay in bed until 11 on a Saturday, that's crazy. You sound like you need support and a break. Wake him. You have nothing to feel bad for, you must be exhausted.

PopularNamesInclude · 14/02/2015 08:56

you are stressed and sleep-deprived and if your dh did his share of the parenting and housework then you would be happier and more fun to live with. Does he feel guilty sleeping until 11am? Why not?

confusedandemployed · 14/02/2015 08:57

Ye gods. My DP loves his sleep but even he would think this is staggering. And you're feeling guilty?
Justvout of interest, when do you get to pursue your hobbies? I'm guessing never, because any spare time you have (hollow laughter) is spent sleeping.
He needs to pull his weight.

Witcheswerehorses · 14/02/2015 08:57

If he did more, you would be happier and therefore more fun to live with. Your DH is taking the piss, only you can change that

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 14/02/2015 08:58

You updated as I typed. When you say you've been unhappy since the birth of your baby, what do you mean? Could you have pnd? It's very common and nothing to feel guilty about

ApocalypseThen · 14/02/2015 08:59

What do you reckon you should be grateful for? Sounds like the gratitude is going in the wrong direction in your house.

skylark2 · 14/02/2015 08:59

" I am trying to be fair and give him a lie in."

Problem is, OP, as it stands your statements make no sense. What you've said amounts to "my DH works 9-5 5 days a week but it would be unreasonable for him not to have 12 hours sleep on a Friday night even though I never get to sleep through ever."

Can't you see how that's a ridiculous attitude for someone to have in 2015?

If in fact your DH works crazy and extremely long shift hours and will only have had a few hours sleep by 11am, it's rather different.

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 09:01

my flat is an absolute tip and it needs cleaning. We have an inspection soon and I need to do the communal hall and stairs or the landlord will give me grief. Unfortunately I have to do Sunday school every Sunday. I would let those kids down and let down my church. I have already upset ppl as I didn't go last week as DS was poorly all week with bronchitis and I have flu. My inlaws already think I am spoilt and lazy I can't humiliate myself anymore.

OP posts:

GoldfishCrackers · 14/02/2015 09:02

I'd be unhappy and not much fun if I was living like you.
I cannot believe a kind man would let you do all night waking a for 4 1/2 months and lie snoring at 11am. How are things between you generally?

Icimoi · 14/02/2015 09:03

I don't even understand how your husband's body clock lets him sleep past 11 if he's normally up for work early all through the week. I suspect he's just lying there letting you get on with it. Wake him up, for goodness sake.

confusedandemployed · 14/02/2015 09:03

Do you live in the UK? I hesitate to ask, but you sound like some kind of modern day slave. Why can't your DH do the cleaning?

kewtogetin · 14/02/2015 09:03

What a prize twat.
This is your first mistake 'he works FT so it's only fair'. Bullshit. He's a parent now too and he needs to muck in, why does he get to continue with full nights sleep and hobby indulging but you don't? Stop being a bloody martyr to motherhood, you say you've been miserable since you had the baby? I'm not surprised, you're exhausted and by the sounds of it doing everything yourself.
If he's any sort of father/husband he should WANT to look after both you and your child. Without turning this into a 'who has the best husband' thread my husband works a 60 hour week but got up through the night with both children, he was up at 7 this morning to get them both ready for swimming lessons which he takes them to so I have a lie in. Thus isn't to make you feel bad, it's to show you what parenthood should be like, 50/50 so neither of you needs to be exhausted or resentful. You need a long overdue conversation with your husband.

ApocalypseThen · 14/02/2015 09:04

Have you given these people the idea that you're some kind of servant? This stops now. Sunday school, the lot if it. If they can't give you a break and return the helping favour when you're little guy is ill, it's an arrangement that's very one sided.

Ledkr · 14/02/2015 09:05

Fuck me this is soooo depressing.
Do people really live like this?

no73 · 14/02/2015 09:05

Jesus I would be unhappy if I was you. Your husband is a selfish arsehole and should eb up and helping you clean and look after your DS not lying in bed!!!!

You work full time 24/7 not just 9-5 like your DH....however, I think using the D in not appropriate in this case.

I'd be handing him the baby and telling him to get up, clean the house and then getting back into bed.

We are not living in the 1950's anymore. Just because he goes out to work does not mean he is more worthy than you. It is far easier going to work than looking after a baby 24/7.

midori1999 · 14/02/2015 09:05

Why do you think you are lazy, ungrateful, spoilt etc? Is it because other people tell you this?

Why is cleaning the flat for an inspection or the communal hallways etc only your responsibility? Presumably your husband lives there too?

Why do you think you have let people down by being ill? Why do you think you've upset them? Is someone telling you this?

Why do you think you should work or be on call 24/7, but your husband should only work for 8-12 hours, presumably five days a week and then get the rest of the time, including weekends off? Why should your workload be so much more than his?

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 09:07

Right now.

He works full time. So 40 hours plus travel.

You have been working almost 24/7 plus you do Sunday school.

You need to sit down with him, and work out how much 'me' time you both have. And you need to make sure that 'me' time is equal. And you need to work out how you are going to get some sleep.

If you need to put a weekly chart together with 'me' time in green, just to visualise the difference between you - then you have to do it. Days along the top, hours along the side, get some pens/pencils and start colouring in.

Looking after your child is what you do during the time he is at work. When he is home, you need to SHARE the joint chores. And you both need equal 'me' time.

Anything else just isn't fair IMHO.

Hakluyt · 14/02/2015 09:08

Talk to the minister at your church about Sunday school.

Why do you have to clean communal hall and stqirs if they are communal.

If he wants to go and buy electronics stuff he can take his baby with him.

Whwt time did he go to bed?

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 09:08

sorry typing on my phone.

My DH got to bed at 2am. In my spare time I sew and bake for family. currently making new curtains and a quilt for DS. My DH does his best I am just not very positive atm. I want to be a good wife and mum and I know everyone thinks I make DH do too much.

OP posts:

LokiBear · 14/02/2015 09:08

When I was in mat leave, DH always git up with dd on a Saturday morning to give me a chance to sleep. He also did one of the night feeds over the weekend too. I know that isn't as easy if you are bf. You need to talk to him and work out a fairer system. Oh and he does half of the cleaning too. Your dh could do one room, ie the bathroom at least to help out.

cailindana · 14/02/2015 09:08

So, to get this straight:

His life hasn't changed at all since he had a baby. He gets a full night's sleep, lie ins every weekend and carries on with his hobby.

You, on the other hand, have had flu all week with a poor baby, you never get a single night's sleep, you get no lie ins, you still do your (not very fun by the sounds of it) volunteer work at your church, and all the housework (presumably) and your in laws tell you you're lazy?

Is that right?

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 09:08

Was he cleaning until 2am?

FannyFifer · 14/02/2015 09:09

My goodness love, people, at a church, were upset because you were unwell & couldn't look after their children, really.
You don't have to do anything, stop doing the Sunday school, you need to look after yourself.

Most men, decent men, get up with their kids during the night even though they work in the morning, they take turns.
They also get up with their kids at the weekend as their partner has got up with them all week.
They sometimes even do most of the cleaning & cleaning as they know how difficult having a newborn is.

That's how decent men behave.

You have nothing to feel bad about but you must make changes, you can't keep going like this. Xx

cailindana · 14/02/2015 09:09

poorly baby

Welshwabbit · 14/02/2015 09:13

Seriously OP, if your in - laws think you are spoilt and lazy because you're a bit behind on the housework when you have a young baby, who has been ill as have you, they are arseholes. And if your husband takes the same attitude I am afraid he is also behaving really badly. Read all the replies on this thread - you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You sound like you desperately need a break and a sympathetic ear. Have you tried asking your husband if he can help out more? Have you got someone you can talk to? Can your own parents help out?

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