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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wake DH up and ask him to take DS?

170 replies

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 08:37

I have a 4 1/2 month old DS. I do all the night wakings and get up with him everyday. I have not had a full nights sleep since he was born. Its only fair as DH works ft.
Last night DH said he wanted to go out today to get some electronic parts (he restores old computer game stations as a hobby) and wanted me to come. He then wants us to watch rugby together and chill. Trouble is I have lots to do. I am really behind in cleaning and washing and I have Sunday school to prepare ( I look after 9 children for 3 hrs Sunday mornibg so their parents can enjoy church in peace) if I go out this morning I know I am going to be up late catching up. DS had a rubbish night last night and I am exhausted. Would I be unreasonable to wake DH at 11am and ask him to take DS for a few hours? He could still go out for those parts but I need to do the housework and washing. Or do you think I should just wait for DH to wake and go out and catch up later on and go to bed late. I know I am being lazy but I can't face staying up late tonight and getting up early tomorrow.

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 09:43

Oh my. Please come home. Fuck the fall out. This is horrendous.

Finola1step · 14/02/2015 09:45

You are posting on here because subconsciously, you know it's not right.

Your situation sounds like a Surrendered Wife. But you haven't chosen this, have you? I wonder if the situation has crept up on you. In that case, your relationship with your husband may well be or become abusive. The in laws definitely.

Could you and ds come back to the UK for a while? Say that your sister needs you. That will give you some time and space to work out how you want your life to be.

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 09:47

My DH is lovely really as are his family. They are just really efficent and particular about stuff. Before I left the UK I work 14 hrs a day on various jobs to make ends meet. Now I am unemployed I feel useless and I am not contributing anything. My self worth has taken a knock since I fell pregnant and had to give up language school for my health.

My DH arranged a surprise visit to the UK at new year to try and make me happy. My inlaws thought it would help my low mood but I haven't been able to snap I
out of it. Hence why I feel ungrateful.

OP posts:

GreatAuntDinah · 14/02/2015 09:47

My DH gets up at eleven on weekends. Difference is, he gets to bed at four after work, then lets me get back to bed for an hour.

And the church people sound vile.

PopularNamesInclude · 14/02/2015 09:52

I had a feeling you were overseas and surrounded by inlaws who see you as sub-human. Okay. Where are you? Is leaving with the baby possible, say to visit your sister and family in their hour of need? what passports does the baby hold? does your dh have a british passport? Do you have or could you get money to fly home? (
I am hoping you are in tge EU.)

Snapespotions · 14/02/2015 09:52

OP, perhaps you have been trying to make sense of your situation by blaming yourself and convincing yourself that others are behaving reasonably, but really, your situation is not acceptable - and deep down, I think you probably know that.

You need to find a way out, but that isn't straightforward when you're overseas and have a child. Is there anyone in RL who would be supportive?

What would your DH do if you put your foot down and started to assert yourself? If you said no more Sunday school, and set out your expectations for what he should do at home? Are you afraid that he would be abusive?

GruffalosGirl · 14/02/2015 09:53

These people telling you your dh does too much are not on your side. They are not looking out for you and seem to have no interest in your well being. Stop seeing what they tell you as a fair assessment of the situation. All they seem to want is for you to shut up and get on with it. Your view of the situation is being twisted by them. Listen to what others on here are telling you. It's not ok for this lack of support from your dh. It's not ok to expect you to do everything. You are supposed to be a partnership in this, a team. Does it feel like that at the moment?

What happens when you try and explain how you're feeling to dh? Does he understand? Does he try and come up with ways to help? Is he interested in how you feel? Does he support you against his parents criticism? You cannot fix this by working harder. You need support from your dh.

clam · 14/02/2015 09:53

You haven't said why he didn't get to bed until 2am last night.

Whocansay · 14/02/2015 09:54

I guarantee your mood would be better with some sleep and proper support.

Stop helping at the Church on Sunday mornings. Fuck the fallout. And quite frankly your inlaws can FOTTFSOF - none of this is there business. And you shouldn't worry about the opinion of vile people like that.

Why is your husband not helping you? It's his baby too. Get his lazy arse out of bed.

If you continue like this you could end up with some serious health problems.

Tinkerball · 14/02/2015 09:56

How can you feel you're not "contributing" when you are looking after a young baby?!

landrover · 14/02/2015 10:00

Is this a fairy story? and OP is going to tell us which one soon? (bloody hope it is!)

championnibbler · 14/02/2015 10:03

you sound like you may have depression.
i think you should seek professional help.

that you have to run a sunday school while caring for a small baby is indeed very cruel.

your DH seems very selfish.
his family sound very harsh.

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 10:07

I would never be allowed to take DS to the UK. He is not allowed a British passport as he was born overseas and under the Hague convention I would never be able to move him without DH permission. Not that I want to.

I have no money of my own. As for DH and asserting myself he would never abuse me. He has once lost his temper and frightened me. I took DS and walked out immediantly and it scared him straight. He has never so much as raised his voice to me since then.

In fairness DS was 2 months old with colic and we were both stressed and tired and so DH lost paitence. Totally not ok and I made sure he knew it. I have asked him to help out occasionally but tbh its more hinderance than help.

My inlaws do try to help with DS but I am reluctant to leave the baby all the time. They look after SiL DS all the time but I know FiL gets annoyed by that (not my MiL though she would move to new country with the GC of she could lol)

OP posts:

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 10:09

OP - you must feel a little frightened as you are on here asking if you can wake him up to look after his own child. And you are looking after another 9 kids so that their parents can go to church under duress.

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 10:18

The culture here is to get an au pair or but child in.daycare. Most people want me to do that soon so I can cope better but I refuse. DS is still so little and I don't want to give him to daycare just yet.

I feel like I am not contributing much because I am not working. Its hard to explain but I have never not been employed or had benefits. Now I feel like one of 'those mothers' as I am 24 with a baby and unemployed. Its not how I was raised. I feel like a lazy scrounger as I get CB (not from tge UK!) but I am not doing anything useful. I hate myself right now. I wish I was a better mother and wife. I wish I could stop feeling so pathetic and useless. My DH wants to help but can't.

I don't want to tell my inlaws as I feel so ashamed of being so crap

OP posts:

MinceSpy · 14/02/2015 10:28

OP you sound very depressed and you keep finding excuses not to change things. Of course your child could have a UK passport and dual nationality.
You need to seek professional help for your current state of health.

PopularNamesInclude · 14/02/2015 10:28

If you are British then your dc is entitled to British citizenship. You will need a form from the embassy which you can likely print off from the embassy website.

Why would your dh not give permission for you to travel with dc? It is the height of normality for expat parents to take the dc home to visit relatives without the other parent.

you say your dh wants to help but cannot. Why?

Why not hire in a cleaner rather than an au pair or a nursery? You can give up hoovering the stairs and play with your baby instead!

Where are you?

DamsonInDistress · 14/02/2015 10:32

But he is still abusing you OP. You are working like a slave does, and have no free accesses to money of your own - that is not a loving, cherishing marriage. And it is not a loving, cherishing Christian church that results in 'fall out' if one of its members needs extra support. Are you clinically depressed, have you seen a doctor since the birth? Because no grown woman should be talking about herself the way you do. You are not crap, you are exhausted, lonely and unsupported..

lornathewizzard · 14/02/2015 10:34

Sorry OP, not read all responses but didn't want to read and run. The first thing you need to understand to move forward is that you are doing something useful. You are looking after a baby. Under no circumstances is that not useful.
Please try to stop pleasing the whole world and just do what's best for your family. And your health. If that means taking time out from Sunday school then do it. And ask your husband to help with the baby and housework. You are also working full time at home, so time when you are both at home the responsibility should be shared. My husband lies in at the weekends, but he does the night feeding with our DD. You need to tag team it!

bullseyebraces · 14/02/2015 10:37

Your DS is entitled to British citizenship if you yourself are British (and were not born abroad yourself)

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 14/02/2015 10:38

I came from a family with a lot of shouting and swearing and I promised myself I wouldn't let my family become that.

Ah, I too came from such a family. I see the mistake you have made.

You have married into a family of bullies who want you to be their slave.

To avoid shouting, swearing and "fall out" you let them mistreat you. You be a good slave to avoid beating. That's the mistake.

To avoid shouting, swearing and "fall out" you should refuse to be a slave. If they shout, swear or give you any fall out then you should walk out the door with your child and never go back. You stop being a slave to avoid beating. See?

Treeceratops · 14/02/2015 10:41

You are contributing- you are raising your DS. Nobody can do that better than a loving parent. It can take time to get used to the idea of being at home being of use when you've spent your life in paid employment. Can you alternate lie-ins at weekends? e.g. you have Saturday, DH has Sunday.

Original poster

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 10:41

I saw a gynecologist after 6 weeks for a quick check to see all was well. Other than that I haven't seen anyone. I am scared to see anyone (even if I could find someone who spoke English) in case I am depressed and they take DS from me.I don't know what ss will do here.

OP posts:

5dogsgoswimming · 14/02/2015 10:41

If I was to get an 8am lie in I would be thrilled! I'm not sure I could sleep til 11am anymore!
Up at 6.30 this morning. Dh took toddler down and I had a lie in until 7.30

purplemurple1 · 14/02/2015 10:45

What country are you in, there are lots of us who live abroad maybe someone is nearby or can at least help you with knowledge of the country.

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