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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wake DH up and ask him to take DS?

170 replies

startrek90 · 14/02/2015 08:37

I have a 4 1/2 month old DS. I do all the night wakings and get up with him everyday. I have not had a full nights sleep since he was born. Its only fair as DH works ft.
Last night DH said he wanted to go out today to get some electronic parts (he restores old computer game stations as a hobby) and wanted me to come. He then wants us to watch rugby together and chill. Trouble is I have lots to do. I am really behind in cleaning and washing and I have Sunday school to prepare ( I look after 9 children for 3 hrs Sunday mornibg so their parents can enjoy church in peace) if I go out this morning I know I am going to be up late catching up. DS had a rubbish night last night and I am exhausted. Would I be unreasonable to wake DH at 11am and ask him to take DS for a few hours? He could still go out for those parts but I need to do the housework and washing. Or do you think I should just wait for DH to wake and go out and catch up later on and go to bed late. I know I am being lazy but I can't face staying up late tonight and getting up early tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
startrek90 · 14/02/2015 10:47

that previous post was for DamsoninDistress.

My son can't have citizenship as the rules have changed. If the father is British then he can but
if the mother is not then he can't.

I know this because my friend had her baby in the Bahamas and so couldn't give her son British nationality either.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 14/02/2015 10:49

My OH didn't go to bed until 4am (he had our cranky 3 week old so I could get a few hours) and he got woken at 10am

Hakluyt · 14/02/2015 10:51

"
My son can't have citizenship as the rules have changed. If the father is British then he can but
if the mother is not then he can't."

I am as sure as I can be that this is not true. Can you go to the Embassy and enquire?

bullseyebraces · 14/02/2015 10:55

That's not been true since the 1980s. Honest, if you were born in the UK your DS is Br

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2015 10:55

You're not in paid employment but you are more than usefully occupied. I have a baby a little older than you and a DH in full time employment (usual office hours). As I'm on maternity leave, I do more childcare and house stuff than him. He will occasionally have the baby for a whole night so I can sleep and will sometimes have him during the day so I can nap. During the evenings/weekends we share childcare/cooking/shopping etc. if I didn't have my mum available to look after the baby during the week so I could go to the gym/Dr etc, I would expect DH to do more solo stuff on weekends. I do think you sound depressed because you don't think you deserve better than this deeply unfair set up. Even if you were not at all depressed, it would be entirely rational to be unhappy with this set up. I agree with using any au pair money to get a cleaner in the short term but longer term you need to find a fair arrangement with DH.

Pooka · 14/02/2015 11:07

If you are a British citizen, then you can confer british nationality regardless of you being a woman.

It used to be that the father had to be british to confer nationality, but I believe that that was (rightly) found to be sex discrimination some time ago. I'm pretty certain of this.
www.gov.uk/register-british-citizen/children-born-outside-uk

vdbfamily · 14/02/2015 11:15

I am assuming from your post OP that your PIL and SIL go to same church and it has been their disapproval that made you continue with Sunday School. You need to go and chat with someone pastoral or in leadership. If someone in our church has a baby, we provide daily meals for as long as they need them and they would not be expected to help with Sunday School until they expressed a wish to return to helping. New mums need to be able to decide on a weekly basis whether they even have had enough sleep to get to church,let alone run the Sunday School. Even if you had the energy to get to church there should be a team of other parents(who don't have new babies) to run the creche/sunday school and let you have a precious hour of rest and reflection. My DH is on the Sunday school rota because I have to work weekends regularly,and don't want the weekends I can get to church to be ones where I have to run Sunday School.
Even if you were feeling on top of things,there should never be a situation where one person runs Sunday School every week and misses church.That is a disaster for your spiritual growth, to be giving all the time and never receiving. Please go and speak to someone other than family at church and get someone on your side.

GatoradeMeBitch · 14/02/2015 11:19

OP, please find out from official sources whether your son can have a British passport, don't just rely on hearsay from acquaintances. I know a woman in the UK who applied for her DS to have dual nationality while he was only two months old. You don't need to worry about giving a reason, it's just a nice thing for a child to have. Could you tell us which country you live in? I would happily look it up for you.

Original poster
startrek90 · 14/02/2015 11:28

in our churcg the people who run Sunday school are me and my SiL we are the only ones who have babies. they have us do it every week as its better for tge kids to have continuity.

OP posts:
Cloudhowe63 · 14/02/2015 11:28

Wishing you strength, Star Trek. You know this isn't right or you wouldn't be posting for advice. You also sound very overwhelmed by the whole situation you have found yourself in. Is there any one thing that you feel would make a significant difference? Something you feel you could tackle? You should not feel you are letting anyone down. Having a young baby is a huge change and massively hard work. Would your husband be supportive if you sat him down for an adult conversation? Is there someone at church who would listen and be supportive? (I would hope so in a church!). Most of all, be kind to yourself.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/02/2015 11:37

If you are a British citizen and were born in the UK then your son is. The below is from a government guide:-

"2 British citizenship by descent
British citizenship may descend to one generation born abroad. So a child born abroad to a parent who is British otherwise than by descent will automatically be British by descent."

FWIW sleep deprivation can have a real effect on your mood. I have 2 very bad sleepers and I've had times when I've been really concerned about my mental health. And then I get a vaguely decent nights sleep and I'm fine.

TarkaTheOtter · 14/02/2015 11:43

From the gov.uk guidance here (page 8):

"British citizenship may descend to one generation born abroad. So a child born abroad to a parent who is British otherwise than by descent will automatically be British by descent."

Note it says parent not father

TarkaTheOtter · 14/02/2015 11:43

Sorry x-post

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 14/02/2015 11:45

its better for tge kids to have continuity.

  1. That statement is probably true for the kids. How much better though? A little bit?
  1. It is worse for you to do the sunday school than not. How much worse? Lots worse. It is seriously impacting your health and well-being.

Is anyone in your church checking up on your well-being? Has anyone offered support? Checked you are OK? You know, behaved like a Christian?

Carltondance · 14/02/2015 11:50

Just to echo everyone else that your ds is entitled to british citizenship through you. The rules changed at the beginning of 1983. I know as I was born overseas in 1983 to a british mum and a non-british dad and was able to get citizenship through my mum when if I had been born 6 weeks previously I wouldn't. My dm says it's the only pro-woman thing thatcher did! There is no way with the change in equality laws since then that you would be able to discriminate based on a parent's gender.

The misconception might be because of your friends own claim to citizenship. I can't pass on british citizenship to my own child as I have it through ancestry rather than birth place. If I had a dc with non-Brit abroad then my dc wouldn't get citizenship because of this, nothing to do with my gender

skylark2 · 14/02/2015 11:51

" I know everyone thinks I make DH do too much."

What are the last ten things you made him do? I mean, while you were lying in bed, or relaxing doing nothing?

What are the last ten things you did while he was lying in bed or relaxing doing nothing?

The lists should be roughly equal in terms of difficulty of job and cover the same period of time.

SoonToBeSix · 14/02/2015 11:53

Yanbu also dh should be helping in the night full time job or not. You are also " working ft" looking after baby.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 14/02/2015 12:04

Sounds like a very small church.

Do you have any friends in it that aren't part of your husband's family or their close friends?

WhyNotSmile · 14/02/2015 12:12

Unless your DH does some kind of shift work which means he wasn't in bed until 5am or something, he needs to get up at a reasonable time to do his share. You're exhausted and you have no idea what's reasonable; he should be stepping up and giving you a break, not imposing more things.

Here are some ideas: he wants to go out and get stuff. Let him. He can take DS, and you can stay at home. If the housework is really getting you down (and I know what it's like when people say "forget the housework! You have a baby!" - that's really no helpful as no one wants to live in a tip!), do it then.

He gets back and wants to work on his hobby. Ok, give him an hour. Then he takes DS so you get time. They can watch the rugby and you can nap (unless you especially want to watch it too), or do what you fancy doing for a bit.

Tomorrow you go to church, and speak to the minister about getting help with Sunday School. I know it can be nice to do something like that if you're at home all week - it can be something different and you feel useful. ok, as long as you want to do it. But not every week. The church needs to pull together. You should not be doing it every week in any case - you need time in church too, and the children need to get to know more than one person. Three hours is also a lot. Can you maybe have the children stay in church for part of the service (even to colour in or something)?

I would suggest you say to the minister "I can't keep doing Sunday School every week. It's not fair on me or on the children. Can we look at creating a rota for others to help? I would be happy to coordinate that and train a few people up to take it in turns. It could make this much better for the children too, as they will get to know more people from church. How about involving the children in the service once per month as well, so that Sunday School is shorter on that day? They could sing some of their favourite songs for the congregation, or do some Bible readings / prayers / help with lifting the offering."

Set a good example by involving others, not by trying to do it all yourself. What will the children think if they grow up seeing the one person they know from church looking frazzled and fed up because everyone lands everything on her? Is it not better for them to see the church family pulling together to support each other and enjoy being together?

There are books you can get which contain ready-made lessons. We use them and they're good. At first I was sceptical because I thought it was better for us to prepare our own lesions, but once we tried them we found them excellent! I'm sure you can find them online, or people here could help.

You sound like a lovely mummy who is doing a great job but could do with support - don't be scared to take help. You will be an even better mummy if you get some rest!

Original poster
startrek90 · 14/02/2015 12:18

in a word no. they have been members since my FiL was born! I guess people left me to it as they assumed I would have help. I know people are reserved because my language skills aren't good.

I do Sunday school as we have a lot of children who are learning English and its hoped that we will 'pick up' each others languages. in my class we have French, Spanish, German and English speakers. I speak English (obviously) German, French and a little Spanish. Its hoped I can help the kids

OP posts:
clam · 14/02/2015 12:19

How on earth could that possibly be true about British citizenship and only the father being able to confer it on a child? That would contravene every equality act going.

clam · 14/02/2015 12:21

Well, obviously it is in the church's interests that you continue doing Sunday school. However, it is quite clearly not in yours, so look into jacking it in. I cannot believe that people "were upset" that you missed last week's session because you had flu. Unless you mean that they were concerned for you and your illness - but somehow I doubt that.

Tinkerball · 14/02/2015 12:35

As for DH and asserting myself he would never abuse me. He has once lost his temper and frightened me

Physical abuse is actually the least effective way of controlling someone, emotional abuse is much more effective - what I'm saying is someone does not need to shout and/or hit you to abuse you. Its very worrying hearing you say "I wish I could be a better wife and mother".

Fairylea · 14/02/2015 12:45

Op this is awful. Your dh is an abusive arse and so are his family. He really is. He seems charming and lovely because most abusive twats are but he is still an abusive twat. He is manipulating you and controlling you as are the rest of his family.

Secondly you are not useless or unemployed. You are a stay at home parent to a small baby. You should have equal access to all finances and equal spending money. If you do not then womens aid would class that alone as financially abusive and therefore abusive behaviour.

Stop with all the church stuff. So what if your in laws have a fit? If your dh can't stand up to them that is a massive problem on its own.

I feel for you. This situation is unsustainable and you need to get out.

11 am lie in for anyone with an exhausted partner and a small baby is absolutely disgusting. He should be getting to bed early, giving you a night off and pitching in properly.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 14/02/2015 12:57

Isn't it time to go and see the priest? Surely whoever leads your church has a responsibility for the pastoral care of the 'flock' - surely that's their primary concern? Unless you think that this particular leader doesn't have your best interests perhaps the priest may talk to the rest of the family.

How do you feel trust wise about the leaders of your church?