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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated by my 6yo dd receiving a valentine gift at school today?

311 replies

ineverthoughtidsaythis · 13/02/2015 21:12

Handed to her today by a boy in her class. It slightly embarrassed and confused her and we just think she's far too young. Her excellent school has drummed into the kids that there are no boyfriends for some time yet and she's a great little girl who clearly feels that she can't chat to us about it because it's not quite right. Both me and dh are cross. Feel free to tell us to lighten up.

OP posts:

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 11:54

But boyfriends and girlfriends, wife's and husbands are everywhere. Children don't just discover the name or coupling when they are 16.

To say children would be happily playing with dolls or Lego until perverted adults forcibly introduced it is silly. Children immitate their families and surroundings.

At the risk of outing myself this is my dd. she had wandered in to dd1 room, put on her necklace and had a good go at poking her eyes out with mascara. She was just imitating her older sister.

to be irritated by my 6yo dd receiving a valentine gift at school today?

Original poster

ineverthoughtidsaythis · 14/02/2015 11:56

Hi all. Just checking in as I am genuinely interested in the responses - and the number! Thanks. And believe it or not we're taking on board the comments... I am not a "loon"! Just to clarify, dd has absolutely no idea we're irritated by this. She shared out the wee present with me and her bro in the bath last night. No drama. I think on reflection we just like the idea of kids being kids and, in her case, not having a situation that makes her a bit uncomfortable imposed on her. And I think Valentine's Day allows that, to an extent. We're both totally chilled out about the whole boyfriend girlfriend chat, which is a normal part of growing up and happens in every school. But this was undoubtedly facilitated by parents. And if it's just about friendship - as it undoubtedly is for a 6-year-old - why not give a gift to a number of kids, boys and girls? And just for the avoidance of any doubt, every day's Valentine's Day round here.

OP posts:

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 11:56

vdb teasing at school has happened since the beginning of time. It isn't a new thing.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 12:01

Also - on a more serious note I actually prefer how the Netherlands deal with sexual education in schools. The teenage pregnancy is extremely low compared to our prudish take on it.

AddToBasket · 14/02/2015 12:07

OP, does she have a sibling?

Original poster

ineverthoughtidsaythis · 14/02/2015 12:10

Add She does. A younger brother.

OP posts:

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 14/02/2015 12:25

Timothy Goes To School - wee animal cartoon on Tiny Pop, channel for preschoolers. All of Timothy's class make valentine cards for everyone else in the class because they all love and care about each other. Timothy and his little mouse friend make two special vtine cards for their two best friends who are girls and put their favourite sweets on the outside, the two girls make some in return. At no point is the word boyfriend or girlfriend or sex mentioned, they are just kids, using the excuse of a "special day" to make nice things for the people they care about. That's it. To make it about grown up adult feelings is bonkers.

I too had boyfriends in year one. 3 if I remember. It was just playing at being "big" like when we played mummy's and daddy's, or teacher and class or nurses and patients. It's normal, kids want to be like grown ups, they copy the bits they see and their understanding is limited to innocent childlike stuff. When my 3yo plays mummys and I ask her what a mummy is she says "a mummy looks after everyone and gives cuddles" she does not start talking about procreation, childbirth and running a household. Valentines is the same. She doesn't understand the feelings connected with "being in love" or sexual attraction, she doesn't even know those feelings exists get, so when she says "x is my true love" she literally means that he's her friend and they've acted out that scene from Cinderella when they dance around lots and then she runs off and her shoe falls off. That's all her brain computes with "being in love"

Don't censor certain words just because for YOU they hold deeper meaning. Kids don't understand and aren't aware of that deeper meaning.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 14/02/2015 12:29

Queenliz beautiful little girl you've got there! Mine does that, but with lipstick, all over her face

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 12:34

If she has no idea that you are irritated then I should keep her innocence by not putting your own connotations on it. Take it in the spirit it was given and received.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 13:10

Thanks shadow little monkeys arnt they!

Kaekae · 14/02/2015 13:18

Definitely need to lighten up. I've also never heard of a school drumming into a child about boyfriends...unless it was some sort of nunnery perhaps?

JohnCusacksWife · 14/02/2015 13:46

Well, I'm with you, OP. I'd feel uncomfortable if my DDs were given valentines gifts. Valentines day is about romantic love and they're way too young for all that.

I was helping at our school Valentine disco the other night and saw a group of 9year olds crowding round a girl who'd been given a bunch of flowers and gift by a boy. They were all gushing about how much he fancied her, how hot he was and how they made a great couple. They're 9, FFS. It made me kind of sad....

MrsThor · 14/02/2015 13:47

Its just a normal part of growing up for gods sake, my ds (8) got three and the girls are having races to see who will marry him, He just rolls his eyes and runs off to play zombies/minecraft etc.

The kids see all the hype in the shops and want to be part of it and whilst I could never really be bothered with it, in this day and age its quite nice to see a bit of love and romance

Kids will always get teased about something, don't make it into a big deal and let them learn some resilience

Oh but I will be keeping my eye on the three harlots er mean potential daughters in law

TheFriar · 14/02/2015 13:59

ineverthoughtidsaythis

Well it seems you are not the only one to find that creepy this is about card from a daughter to her dad on Valentines Day.

And for the posters who asked 'who said that Valentines Day is for lovers?', maybe you ahould go back to the history of that day here on Wiki and it will show that it has always been a romantic, lovers day.
Even now, it is much more about romantic love than anything else as the number of cards 'For my lovely husband/wife. I will love you for ever!' cards will show you.

It also seems that it is now a 'theme' for young children to do arts and activities around. Maybe a cheap way to make them do some colouring or painting and to then give it proudly to mummy and daddy, the same way that children are encourage to draw and paint for other religious festivals that they are not involved in (because it's not their religion but they are learning about it). Fine if you explain the context. Not fine if you then expect the child to do whatever is expected during that religious festival. And in the same way, fine to explain what Valentine's Day is and why adults do something for Valentines Day. Not so good when children play at having adults relationships.
(oh btw, yes Valentines Day IS a religious festival, well it was until it became a marketing exercise in the late 1800)

TheFriar · 14/02/2015 14:07

But you see queen, I would also have an issue with a 2~3yo wearing make up to imitate her older sister/me/ whoever she saw with make up.

I'm not saying it wouldn't happen (even though it's not me she would be copying in our house. I never wear make up) but finding 'all nice and cute' no.

And yes children do copy what they see. But I much prefer my dcs seeing showing my love to DH through acts throughout the year than through a card and a box of chocolate once in the year.
I also prefer to make it clear to them that having a bf or gf isn't something that 'has' to happen (see the post of LGBT on MN), that it's an adult thing to do and they have plenty of time before even thinking about it.
Because 'playing to be an adult' is within the context of play. It stays at the imagination level.
Giving a gift to someone is at the level of the action. You are DOING something, not playing anymore and it conveys a very different meaning.

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 14:15

thefriar I honestly don't care why they celebrated it hundreds of years ago. I lve in the today. You can't lve life looking in your rear view mirror and trying to abide by the rules of yester- year.

We are atheists in this house so don't really have any ties to religious ceremonies but we join in as they are fun.

Dd2 made her daddy a valantines picture. There is nothing creepy about my two year old. She also made one for her sister.

'Let kids be kids' is really a way of shielding them from life. Maybe that's why we have a very high teenage pregnancy rate.....

Queenlizandabottleofgin · 14/02/2015 14:18

thefriar yes I have an issue with a two year old wearing make up too. Her sister had a even greater one when she found her mascara ruined.

littlemonkeyface · 14/02/2015 14:34

I also prefer to make it clear to them that having a bf or gf isn't something that 'has' to happen (see the post of LGBT on MN), that it's an adult thing to do and they have plenty of time before even thinking about it.

But isn't that the kind of conversation you would have with an older child, maybe 9 or 10? I really don't think my 6 year old DS would have a clue what I was going on about.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2015 14:42

So what if the boy gave your dd a gift because he liked her, Mabey he asked his parents to buy it for him. It's a sweet innocent act of giving, not some dark seedy under motive. Even at that age kids can be attracted to one another, not sexually. When I was 6/7 I used to really like this boy, I thought he was very nice looking, and I used to carry round the class photo with me as it had him in it. My parents were old fashioned prudes, and would not have implanted tge idea in my head. It's totally innocent at this age.

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 15:22

I don't like it either. I especially don't like that the OP's daughter didn't particularly want the gift from the boy she barely knew and isn't fussed about knowing - but she is expected to accept it, put up and shut up because the boy in question merely had good intentions and presumably wants to get to know her.

sparkysparkysparky · 14/02/2015 15:34

If you can get past the unhelpful "ffs/ get a grip" rants on here there is some interesting and useful stuff. Early preteens doing Valentine's Day makes me uncomfortable too. Some are more relaxed about it (and enjoy criticising those who don't think the same way). If you can ignore all the invective about what a terrible parent they think you are, there might be some suggestions here you can work with.

FightOrFlight · 14/02/2015 15:35

love log

Sparklingbrook · 14/02/2015 15:35

Well DS2's girlfriend (13) loved her card and gift and they had a hug. Awww.

FightOrFlight · 14/02/2015 15:36

Oh sorry, didn't realise I was only on page 2 of 9 when I quoted the 'love log' comment

squoosh · 14/02/2015 15:36

I want someone to make me a lavishly decorated love log!

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