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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be irritated by my 6yo dd receiving a valentine gift at school today?

311 replies

ineverthoughtidsaythis · 13/02/2015 21:12

Handed to her today by a boy in her class. It slightly embarrassed and confused her and we just think she's far too young. Her excellent school has drummed into the kids that there are no boyfriends for some time yet and she's a great little girl who clearly feels that she can't chat to us about it because it's not quite right. Both me and dh are cross. Feel free to tell us to lighten up.

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 17:06

Ok. I wasn't commenting on your home life or parenting at all. You teach what your kids what you like about it, I'll teach my DD that she should never have to accept gifts she doesn't want from people she doesn't know for the sake of being "polite". Everyone's happy.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:07

Of course it innocent. I am convinced that some of you can't remember being 6 yrs old!

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:09

I'll teach my DD that she should never have to accept gifts she doesn't want from people she doesn't know for the sake of being "polite". Everyone's happy

Not the elderly neighbour who kindly gives her a small Easter egg!!

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 17:10

Well now you're just making up scenarios.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:10

I would rather teach mine to be polite and not hurt someone's feelings-especially when that someone happens to be a small boy of 6 yrs.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:11

I'll teach my DD that she should never have to accept gifts she doesn't want from people she doesn't know for the sake of being "polite"

I am not making up scenarios-you made the statement.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:12

Or is your DD supposed to be polite if the person is over a certain age and rude if they are the same age?

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 17:13

I wouldn't worry yourself too much about the logistics of it considering you aren't my DD Mehitabel

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 14/02/2015 17:15

OP you are officially going way OTT with this. When I was little I'd make Valentine presents for girls and boys who I was especially good friends with (including my 'boyfriend' who was Italian and therefore VERY exotic in our small school).

We occasionally held hands in the playground as I recall, but mainly bonded over the fact that we were both good at maths and lived on the same road.

DS who is 7 has been betrothed to about 5 girls now. At one point 2 at once. His current 'girlfriend' is the person he hangs out with most, they're similarly bright and inquisitive, and they both have little brothers who they play with at lunchtime.

Nothing harmful in it surely?

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:20

Just as well trufflesnout or I really would be confused and maybe would need time to 'work through it'. Grin

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 17:23
Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2015 17:38

Truffle, we're talking about a little boy fgs at her school, not a steange adult. Yes you can raise your dd anyway you want, but your outlook is very sad.

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 17:42

Oh let it drop Aero. I could sit down now for a good 20 minutes and explain to you & Mehitabel properly what I meant, but I can't be bothered and to be honest I doubt you're interested, which is fair enough, because I'm not interested in what you think of my 'outlook'. Safe to say we all just want the best for our kids. Done? Done.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:43

I wouldn't bring them up to see being polite as a weakness.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:45

I think that it is time for me to leave the thread. It has been very entertaining and I have been heartened that the majority of posters see it for what it is-remember being a 6 yr old and don't insist on foisting their adult view point on small children.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/02/2015 17:52

I agree Mehitable, it's good to be polite. Anyway op dd çoukd have said no thank you to him or left the gift at school.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 17:54

I was pleased that mine were always described as 'kind' by teachers and they thought of the feelings of others-and didn't see it is a weakness to be kind!

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 18:16

Ok fuck it. I'm in a shitty mood, I'll get my teeth into something.

Valentine's day is a romantic holiday. Maybe I should bore you with the history, but I don't think it's particularly relevant. What we have now however is a day which celebrates love, of varying kinds, but usually of romantic love.

Adults who have small children usually also have a partner they are intimate with. It's normal for children to copy behaviours that these adults display, because it's how they develop the concept of what is and what isn't acceptable social behaviour.

Later on, when these children start school, they may come into contact with celebrations their parents may have invested time into - such as Valentine's day. The schools will often put on some little display or have a talk or suggest that children send each other little cards.

However, something that comes into play, every day if you are a woman, but especially so at Valentine's, is the idea that your love can be bought or bartered for. This involves accepting gifts in return for friendship, or if you are an adult woman, rewarding your male partner with sex for gifting you chocolates or roses. This is because society feels that women cannot not enjoy sex and so must be appropriately reimbursed for offering it.

So we have society's perception of femininity and sex, we have that mingled in with Valentine's day, and we have young children involved too, which perpetuates the whole thing because they end up growing up with the same beliefs as their parents, who incidentally exist in a sexist society.

Another concept of femininity in our society is the idea that women should be meek and accepting. To be polite is an important skill - it is to say "thank you" when someone has helped you, or to say "please" when asking for something. To be meek is to accept a gift from a boy you don't know on a day which is about convincing girls to be your friend by coercing them with gifts - or about convincing your wife to have sex with you by buying her two dozen red roses.

The children don't know this, they are innocent. But we endorse it by either allowing it or being blind to it.

And so, I will teach my daughter that if she doesn't want to accept a gift - anonymous or not - on Valentine's day from a boy she doesn't know, then she doesn't have to. No, his feelings on the matter are not important in this instance - his right to feel validated and pleased at her attention does not overrule her right to refuse the gift she does not want from the person she does not know.

I don't care if my "outlook" is "sad", or if I "read too much into things", or even if I "care too much" - but it's fuck all to do with being "polite".

Now I've taken this far too far by bothering to write this and you'll probably either ignore it or rip me to bits for being too involved or getting the whole of society (including little boys intentions) wrong.

Hope you both have a lovely Valentine's day.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 18:27

I repeat-they are 6 yrs old!!!!

FightOrFlight · 14/02/2015 18:27

or if you are an adult woman, rewarding your male partner with sex for gifting you chocolates or roses.

Oh you old romantic

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 18:29

Fight

I've always been so soppy.

Grin
heatseeker14 · 14/02/2015 18:36

It is cute for kids to give cards/small gift no harm will come from it.

BTW not all women will trade sex for flowers. I for one certainly wouldn't & DH knows that hence why I never get any Grin I also do not believe being polite makes you a weak person.

FightOrFlight · 14/02/2015 18:37

I remember having a steaming row with a boyfriend who bought me flowers for Valentines Day. We both agreed in advance that VDay was a load of old bollocks designed to extract money out of people yet the dopey git still got me a card and flowers. I can assure you that he didn't get any sex for a week after that, I was in full on sulking 'how very fucking dare you' mode for buying into all that crap.

Topseyt · 14/02/2015 18:37

I remember fairly clearly being 6 or 7 years old. The year would have been 1972 - 1973.

We did Valentines at school in art lessons (making cards etc.). I remember it well and it was why I found the OP so bemusing. We gave our creations to friends (both girls and boys) and to anyone else we wanted to. It was all totally innocent. I'm not even sure I had yet learned that boys had willies (no brothers, just me and my younger sister).

It is a pretty innocent age in most cases, just as it should be. Just let them enjoy it within reason. All too soon they will be teenagers, and that is a totally different ball game.

trufflesnout · 14/02/2015 18:38

I was in full on sulking 'how very fucking dare you' mode for buying into all that crap.

Ahh young love Grin