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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated by my 6yo dd receiving a valentine gift at school today?

311 replies

ineverthoughtidsaythis · 13/02/2015 21:12

Handed to her today by a boy in her class. It slightly embarrassed and confused her and we just think she's far too young. Her excellent school has drummed into the kids that there are no boyfriends for some time yet and she's a great little girl who clearly feels that she can't chat to us about it because it's not quite right. Both me and dh are cross. Feel free to tell us to lighten up.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 08:33

Children are working out gender and relationships. I know there are a certain amount of people who think that boys and girls are the same,and anything else is just conditioning, but children know differently. There also seem to be people who think that one 5 yr old should like any other 5 yr old and not that they have preferences and choose their own friends.
It is all normal development- unless adults make it something it isn't by viewing it through adult eyes.

AngryBeaver · 14/02/2015 09:10

Well yeah, valentine's (though commercial) is harmless enough.
It's the daily "ohh is he your BOYFRIEND" to a frigging 6 yer old I have a problem with.
Well, he is a boy, and he's her friend! If that's what you mean?
Ffs, people are obsessed with labelling everything!
It drives me FUCKING BONKERS, to know that my son hasntgot a clue about anything other than Friendship (he is 6) .but that his language is being coloured by little girls and boys at school, who are so clearly influenced by their patents. Who think it's "cute" .
It's not.
It's just fucking weird and unnecessary.

AngryBeaver · 14/02/2015 09:14

Mehitabe..I have 4 kids. 2 girls 2 boys. They are different. But the same?
If no one mentioned boyfriends and girlfriends, they would be non the wiser and get on with playing Lego, like they're supposed to do.
I can see my daughter (8) understanding that this is a "thing" she is supposed to partake in.
I can also see she has absolutely no interest on partaking in the commentary.
So,she is torn.
Just leave them alone!

spidey66 · 14/02/2015 09:18

Aww I think it's sweet.

Better Valentine's cards than fighting in the playground surely?

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 09:22

The entire problem on here comes from adults labelling! It is all perfectly innocent with the children. I don't see why adults have to push their own preconceptions onto it, like OP.
My DS was getting married in yr one - we discussed that he could have the cat! I didn't take it seriously by telling him the cat would be dead by then!
I didn't go on about girlfriends- can't think that I mentioned it. She came around to our house, he went to hers- it fizzled out after a while and they moved on. Had he wanted to make her a card or present I would have let him. I wouldn't have expected her parents to make a big thing of it or see it as 'something to work through'! If she was confused all they had to do was explain how some people celebrate Valentine's Day - not think it might take her weeks to come to terms with it!

spidey66 · 14/02/2015 09:23

Oh and my sister went to my 4yo niece's parents evening and the children were all there.

An older boy said to my niece, 'Hello Spidey's niece'. My sister asked her who he was-she announced 'He's my boyfriend.' Sis asked his name, and DNiece had to ask him as she'd forgotton it! My sister found it hilarious. She needs to warn my niece though not to have boyfriends till she knows their name!

AddToBasket · 14/02/2015 09:24

OP, what was that stuff about 'commercial construct'?! Crazy pompous. Does your DD have a sibling?

pilates · 14/02/2015 09:34

This is one of the craziest posts I have read!

Get a grip.

Smoorikins · 14/02/2015 09:35

Op, YANBU.

Valentines day gifts are a gateway to harder stuff.

By the time she is in her teens, she will be thinking about sex, and by the time she is in her 20's and 30's, possibly even marriage and children.

It's a slippery slope, one that we should all protect our children from. My advice is to lock her in her room, and only let her out for educational purposes - strictly home-schooled as you never know when someone might want to give her a gift.

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 09:44

OP if she's confused and doesn't like it, just tell her he's not her boyfriend unless she wants him to be, he's her boytoy if anything.

Kids don't see boy/girlfriends like adults do. My DN insists her brother is her boyfriend, or her other auntie is. She also has best friends and anyone she isn't annoyed with is one of those, you know when you've lost favor.

Smoorikins · 14/02/2015 09:46

'boytoy'? Is that a thing? To me it sounds worse than boyfriend - like he's an object to be played with rather than a friend - which, lets face it, is what a boyfriend is at that age.

KarmaViolet · 14/02/2015 09:47

Ooh, squoosh, you're making me blush.

I've just asked DP and she says she thinks small children doing Valentines is cute too. I think much of my distaste for it is my own ishoooos having been a small child with boys who were friends and having adults constantly simpering at me "Is that your little boyfriend?" and wanting (had I only known the phrase) to tell them to FOTTFSOFATFOSM.

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 09:59

Smoorikins well he is isn't he if she doesn't want him? I wasn't suggesting she call him her boytoy just emphasising (to the OP, not meant to say to her DD - boytoy is more adult phrase because it imply) that's what he is if she doesn't want and he does. The OP seems concerned that her daughter doesn't want a boyfriend or attention, so she should just point out that he's not her boyfriend unless she wants it.

As I said later, kids don't see boy/girlfriends as adults do: often parents, siblings and relatives end up boy and girlfriends with the child. But the OP seems concerned so if her D is confused or unwanting she should make it clear that that's okay and no he's not her bf.

lavenderhoney · 14/02/2015 10:03

Why would it embarrass and confuse her? What have you said to her? The children in my dcs school are always making each other cards etc- get well, an animal they like, and any child out and about will see all the valentines stuff everywhere and ask about it. As long as adults don't make a big song and dance about it being anything other than a gesture of friendship.

Did your dh get you anything op? You're not secretly jealous are you?:)

Summeblaze · 14/02/2015 10:19

Massive over thinking. According to my just turned 7 DS, he has 4 girlfriends, let's call them Amy, Evie, Lucy and James. When I say that James is a boy, he says, oh yeah. He's my boyfriend then. They really don't see the difference at that age. Do you think that he has sexual feelings about your DD. He won't. And because of this I don't see any issue. Unclench.

PesoPenguin · 14/02/2015 10:21

Another 'get a grip' here! At that age they're just friends. DS (5) sent 2 cards/ presents and got 1 back, all 3 children were happy and not traumatised. They do not thing it's 'wrong' because it's not!

Smoorikins · 14/02/2015 10:21

'if she doesn't want him' - err - what? She's six. She's not toying with him, she's just a kid that got a gift. You make it sound like she's playing him!

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 10:34

Smoorikins The OP has already said her DD isn't happy he is being called her boyfriend by everyone, so she doesn't want him. She not toying with him, I'm not saying that she is, she just doesn't want him (according to the OP) and everyone is insisting that's what he is which is confusing her DD and that's why the OP is annoyed with it all.

Boytoy was meant to be lighthearted and, as I mentioned before, only to the OP not her daughter, more in relation to adult relationships.

The point remains that if she doesn't want him as her boyfriend then regardless of how old she is and how platonic and cute it is, she shouldn't have to accept it. I do think they are too young and this is just platonic and cute but the OP seems to think her DD doesn't and is confused so it's est the OP make it clear.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 10:44

Why would she have to accept it? ( confused again)

laughingmyarseoff · 14/02/2015 10:48

Mehitabel6 she shouldn't have to that's my point, I was responding to smoorkins question to my last post when I mentioned that the OPs DD doesn't want the 'boyfriend' and smoorkins took that as she's toying with him.

Lots of people are saying OP is over-thinking it and she may well be, but if her DD is confused and not wanting a boyfriend and telling the OP of this then everyone saying OP is over-thinking it and that should ignore is saying that her DD should just accept the boyfriend despite not wanting and being confused.

vdbfamily · 14/02/2015 10:57

I am also going to go against the grain and agree with OP. She has stated that this situation has been going on for a while and her daughter is not comfortable with it.She is being teased at school for having a boyfriend that is someone not even her friend. Why should this be accepted as sweet. My 8 year old DD comes home in tears sometimes because everytime she plays with a boy she gets teased that it is her boyfriend and she is told she has to marry/snog him etc. I would love that kids could just have friends of the opposite sex at primary school without their schoolfriends making it into something embarrassing. I think this is why some schools(and I wish ours would) are having to talk to the kids about 'pairing off' type relationships not being appropriate or necessary at primary school.They are so bombarded with it all through books/tv etc.
I also agree that it often comes from the parents. Kids at 3,4,5 years are not independently going to decide they want to give Valentines gifts are they? My kids do not even know that today is valentines day and until I read this thread I hadn't given it much thought either.

kathryng90 · 14/02/2015 11:06

Hmm. Cm and mother here. I made heart shaped 'I love you' cards with all my mindees and asked them who they would like to send them to (replies were mum,dad,gran and the dog). I call today ' I love you day' and we talked about friendships and family. The older ones also giggled about boy/girl friends. All very innocent. Hope I didn't offend any parents/grans/dogs.

Also have spent the morning with glue and glitter and my 4 year old making a card for his (female) best friend! Should we deliver it to her or will it offend?? I genuinely didn't give it a second thought til I stumbled on this thread?

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 11:15

At 6 yrs old they generally just state the obvious- 'you are not my boyfriend' if they don't want to accept it! No big deal (unless over thinking parents get involved).

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 11:18

Maybe you don't have independent children vdbfamily. They are all different and some might. You can't avoid noticing Valentines in shops on adverts etc.

Mehitabel6 · 14/02/2015 11:20

Having taught at lots of different schools primary children have friends who are just the opposite gender- pairing off is unusual at that age.

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