Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a friend to stop speaking her own language?

434 replies

jujujbel · 13/02/2015 12:23

I have a very dear friend who is from another country but has lived in the UK for 20 years. Her DC are bilingual. Often, when we are together, she will break off the conversation to speak to her DC in her own language. This makes me uncomfortable and I find it rude but I have never mentioned it. However, a few days ago my DD came home from spending the day with my friends DD (they spend a lot of time together). She talked about how she hated it when they talked in a different language in front of her as it made her feel excluded. I explained that i had felt the same way and that it was actually considered bad manners to do this. I told my DD that if she felt uncomfortable she should say to her friend in as nice a way as possible and that I would do similar with the mum. The very next day, my DD did do this when the situation arose again and explained how it made her feel. She came home quite upset as she had argued with her friend about it.

We were all meeting up later anyway. When we got together my friend immediately said to me 'have you hear detox?' She then went to say, I'll speak to your dd to explain that I'm not talking about her it's just how we speak. I then said that I agreed with my DD and it made us both uncomfortable. My friend was shocked that I found her rude. I explained that it was only in the context where we are all having a conversation in English and they then break away to speak in a different language. Although I know they are not saying anything bad about us it is a horrible feeling and I don't understand why they feel the new to do it. I compared it to whispering. I have been very clear that it is only in the context of a group conversation being started in a shared language and then being continued in a language that not all of the group can understand.

My friend has now told me she will not speak her own language in front of my DD but that she will distance herself from us. She feels I am the inconsiderate one and that I am discriminating against her.

I am so hurt and confused. I guess I am just looking for a bit of MN perspective.

Sorry for the essay.

Thank

OP posts:
TwoLittleTerrors · 13/02/2015 12:59

YABU here. Their language is the minority language in the UK. If she doesn't speak with her children in it, they would hear it spoken even less. It's recognised in raising biligual children that you need to always speak the language to them. Some even suggests to pretend not to understand English!

FWIW I'm trying to raise my DDs bilingual. DD1 has never really spoken her second language except in toddlerhood when she mixes nouns of the two languages. There's no way I would stop speaking my language with her when In front of other people. She barely hears any of it as it is.

wowfudge · 13/02/2015 12:59

Your friend is being rude and rather thoughtless OP. I have friends who are a couple - both speak English although they are each from different European countries. Our group of friends all speak English and one of their native languages. The couple are bringing up their child to be bilingual so speak to him in their different native tongues. None of our group of friends speaks the mother's native language. When she speaks to her son in front of us, she then translates briefly what has been said as she knows we won't have understood.

reni1 · 13/02/2015 12:59

Yabu. It's really hard bringing up bilingual children in a mixed family. One-parent-one-language is often the only thing you can do. Unless she is talking to you or dd in her language of course.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 13/02/2015 13:00

You knew the context of the sleepover discussion so I don't know why it would have bothered you. I think you could be more supportive of the effort your friend makes to speak your language most of the time and overlook the times they switch to their own native language to explain something more fully to their kids. I really think you are overreacting to this,if she's a good friend it's a silly, and somewhat controlling, view to take that they should only speak English around you. If you think it's worth losing a good friendship over then continue, but having been in the same position with many friends over here, I wouldn't make a fuss about it.

Original poster
jujujbel · 13/02/2015 13:00

Sorry - not meaning to drop feed just provide more context. It is only with one of her DC's that this happens. Will always use English with the other one when around other people. Also - it's not that they only speak their native language to each other as in 'one parent, one language' - the point is that they will switch mid conversation that I struggle with.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 13:00

Aeroflot - sometimes and often the other speakers (Armenian etc) English is certainly not their first language so why would they speak when together in English?! Its easier to speak in their native tongue. And if it's about you it can't be anything that bad....

Your mother should have ideally taught you Armenian.

CalleighDoodle · 13/02/2015 13:01

Some of you sound paranoid. What makes you think you need to know what everyone is saying all the time? Especially those who have already said you know it isnt about you.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2015 13:01

Shedding that dident make sense.

TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo · 13/02/2015 13:03

In your example juju I would have gone into my own language in front of french friends. It's a hell of a lot easier for me to explain myself in English, I can basically tell my kids to shut up and not be rude by arguing back and they will understand me more easily. It's not about speaking 'behind someone's back'; it's about getting the message across to my kids as efficiently as possible and with as little embarrassment as possible.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 13:03

Calleigh - you don't need to know! But I agree it can give the feeling of being excluded. Like I said I didn't care when I was with my Chinese friends. They were socialising with me (Bars, pubs, clubs, restaurant) so they enjoyed my company!

TheSmallerBadger · 13/02/2015 13:04

Do these families who keep strictly to one parent / one language never have a conversation in one language that includes all the family then? Seriously?

BauerTime · 13/02/2015 13:04

OP I'm not doubting that your DD handled it brilliantly, but I'm saying that it shouldn't have come to that. You could have explained to your friend that DD had come home upset as it makes her feel excluded rather than leaving her to confront them.

Your friend clearly never thought there was an issue with it and, had she known, it probably could have been resolved amicably.

Shedding · 13/02/2015 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2015 13:05

Well yes it was, super, IMHO it is rude if you are fluent in English, to coverse in another language, leaving somebody out. Languages because of my special,needs, were quite hard for me to master. My dad did not agree with my learning Armenian, so mum woukd try and teach me on the quiet.

KatelynB · 13/02/2015 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 13/02/2015 13:06

TheSmallerBadger there is usually a family language that is spoken by all but the theory of OPOL is that in the main the parents should speak their own individual native language to the child when interacting directly with them ie playing, reading stories etc.

reni1 · 13/02/2015 13:07

Is she entirely aware she is doing it? Some bilinguals (myself included) switch with ease and just do what's natural. (To the point that I get a puzzled expression and a friendly "And now in English, please" from someone who does not speak my first language)

Aherdofmims · 13/02/2015 13:07

I think your friend was rude and thoughtless in particular when dd was alone with them. This would be disorientating for a child.

when you are all together, I cam see both sides. I know there is advice to speak to your bilingual children at all times. But half way through a conversation is rude.

Also you were nu to raise it and she was u to get the hump.

Icimoi · 13/02/2015 13:07

Have you asked her how she would feel if, in the middle of a general conversation, you started whispering to your child excluding her? As you say, that is the equivalent.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 13:07

Aeroflot - I'm a bit confused, your Armenian relatives - were they fluent in English?

I get what you say about your learning languages.

That wasn't fair about your dad not agreeing with you learning Armenian.

FrenchJunebug · 13/02/2015 13:08

I think YABVVU. I speak to my son in French. If I have a conversation with a friend in English and my son ask me something I will answer in French. If needs be (rarely as 1)it's boring, 2) between my son and me) if will translate in English to my friends..

Perhaps you could have made an effort to learn some words in your friend's language.

Shedding · 13/02/2015 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 13/02/2015 13:09

There is nothing more amusing than hearing people talking in their own language about someone and being picked up on it as the person can understand. I've seen it a few times on London buses! Dh also put some people in their place when they were being rude in his native tongue. Never assume people can't understand you!

BauerTime · 13/02/2015 13:09

I have little understanding of trying to raise bilingual kids and after reading these responses I'd agree YABU actually. But to be fair, if you didn't know all of the above either then you can't help it.

TBH I'm not sure how bothered I could be about a mother and Chad having a conversation I don't understand. In a group of adults who do not need to 'keep up' their second language in the way that a child might yes it is rude and would be annoying but mother to child: not so much.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/02/2015 13:09

I have an Armenian friend that does this, we will be talking English and she will break off in Armenian to her kids, doesent bother me, I understand a bit so that's giod.