To ask a friend to stop speaking her own language?

434 replies

jujujbel · 13/02/2015 12:23

I have a very dear friend who is from another country but has lived in the UK for 20 years. Her DC are bilingual. Often, when we are together, she will break off the conversation to speak to her DC in her own language. This makes me uncomfortable and I find it rude but I have never mentioned it. However, a few days ago my DD came home from spending the day with my friends DD (they spend a lot of time together). She talked about how she hated it when they talked in a different language in front of her as it made her feel excluded. I explained that i had felt the same way and that it was actually considered bad manners to do this. I told my DD that if she felt uncomfortable she should say to her friend in as nice a way as possible and that I would do similar with the mum. The very next day, my DD did do this when the situation arose again and explained how it made her feel. She came home quite upset as she had argued with her friend about it.

We were all meeting up later anyway. When we got together my friend immediately said to me 'have you hear detox?' She then went to say, I'll speak to your dd to explain that I'm not talking about her it's just how we speak. I then said that I agreed with my DD and it made us both uncomfortable. My friend was shocked that I found her rude. I explained that it was only in the context where we are all having a conversation in English and they then break away to speak in a different language. Although I know they are not saying anything bad about us it is a horrible feeling and I don't understand why they feel the new to do it. I compared it to whispering. I have been very clear that it is only in the context of a group conversation being started in a shared language and then being continued in a language that not all of the group can understand.

My friend has now told me she will not speak her own language in front of my DD but that she will distance herself from us. She feels I am the inconsiderate one and that I am discriminating against her.

I am so hurt and confused. I guess I am just looking for a bit of MN perspective.

Sorry for the essay.

Thank

OP posts:

tanukiton · 18/02/2015 06:19

This is why i love my friends. They dont care what language I am speaking. I f i am trying really hard to explain something to my children I do it in English. The nice thing is they are trying to learn a bit of English too. Enjoy the different realize that the world is not revolving around you and if you are really interested learn a few words in her language like please thank what is it?

Kelly1814 · 18/02/2015 06:24

I live overseas and don't speak the local language...the language of business is English so everyone uses that, it is considered very bad form to use another language in front of those who don't know it. Eg if I walk into an elevator, even strangers will often revert to English.

YANBU.

mildlyacquiescent · 18/02/2015 07:21

Yuck.

toomuchtooold · 18/02/2015 07:33

OP I saw your update post and just wanted to say hats off to you. I doubt I'd have had the good grace to reconsider my position (and that is probably why I have no friends )

itsaysonthetin · 18/02/2015 08:22

Kelly - that's fine in a business environment. It completely misses the point for conversations between a parent and child.

I don't think it's a big deal that they sometimes speak in a different language when your DD is there. I think the OP was bang out of order to say "Oh YES sweetheart, gosh isn't it so rude". What I assume/hope most people would say is "I know you might not understand what they are saying sometimes, but you are in their home, and not all homes speak one language all the time. Isn't it wonderful how many languages there are" and use it to encourage them to pick up an interest.

God, I used to go and play around a school friends house, and her mother would shout at her in Greek, or basically switch to Greek whenever she wanted to tell her off/say something she didn't want me to understand (not maliciously).

Did it feel a bit awkward? Yes. Was it soul crushing to the point where I felt I could dictate how other people communicate in their own home?

Er...no.

tanukiton · 18/02/2015 09:50

jujujibel \ glad things worked with your friend. I think everyone should have international friendships it really enriches life. There will be ups and downs but it is really worth the extra effort.

KatelynB · 18/02/2015 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatAuntDinah · 18/02/2015 14:33

Yes I definitely think there's an element of native English speakers needing to check their privilege on threads like this.

Coyoacan · 18/02/2015 16:25

That is extremely bizarre.

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