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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in wanting to leave because of his drinking and size?

129 replies

ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:03

It's taken me a long time to post this. I've been on here for years and tonight yet another incident happened in my home life that makes me wonder how much longer can I put up with it. I've NC as I'm too embarrassed to use my normal name.

My DH drinks, every bloody night. It's either 4 or 6 cans of Budweiser and a bottle of wine or the same 4 or 6 cans and half to thee quarters a bottle of vodka.

Yet again tonight I'm blamed for "starting an argument" as I asked him to go to bed (as he's getting argumentative).

There's many Issues I have and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone by saying my main issue is my DH is now 26 stone. I don't find him attractive and don't want to go on holiday with him. I'm mortified he can't fit into a normal plane seat without a seat belt extender let alone sit on a beach with him. He seems oblivious to the comments people make but they really embarrass me. I'm sick of going to restaurants with him only to find myself looking for tables in the corner to hide away.

We haven't has sex in two years as I can't bear the thought of his fat engulfing my 9 stone frame.

He was always big built but never 26 stone. He was normally 17 stone but at 6'5" that wasn't bad. Honestly I make very healthy meals and have encouraged him to try every healthy eating plan going.

In short, I'm sick of his drinking, I'm fed up of him being argumentative with a drink (most nights) and I'm so embarrassed by his size.

AIBU in considering leaving him?

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 13/02/2015 00:06

He's a super morbidly obese, abusive alcoholic.

I am usually one to say this based on one post but, LTB. Seriously. You deserve much much more.

And nothing you can do will make him change unless he gets there himself. Which he may never do.

Thanks for you OP.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/02/2015 00:08

I wouldn't blame you for leaving.

Lweji · 13/02/2015 00:08

You can leave him for whatever reason. If you don't love him, that's good enough.
I bet you might still love the 26 stone man if it wasn't for his drinking and his argumentative behaviour, though.

Salmotrutta · 13/02/2015 00:09

Well, it's his drinking that's the issue.

If he is drinking as much as you say that's a real problem. He needs to change.

As far as his weight goes you can dislike it as long as you would be fine with him saying the same about you if the boot was on the other foot.

DeliciousIrony · 13/02/2015 00:10

That does sound like a very difficult situation, my sympathies. Maybe a silly question, but have you tried sitting him down for a serious (sober) conversation about his alcohol intake? I would be more concerned about that, it will definitely be contributing to his weight gain anyway.

TheCatsFlaps · 13/02/2015 00:11

YANBU. He clearly does not hold you in much regard and sounds like a brute - make no mistake, the booze will always come first.

DandyHighwayman · 13/02/2015 00:13

What Bunny said.

Lweji · 13/02/2015 00:15

Why not starting to make a plan, even if you don't intend to put it in practice right away?

Sweetpea15 · 13/02/2015 00:15

I think you sound unhappy and if you are you should leave. However if you love him, maybe a final push would be to tell him that this is the final straw and let him know how both his drinking and weight are effecting you (if you haven't already).

If he is willing to put the effort in and change to become healthier then maybe you have a chance at recovering your relationship.

I say this because my husband was in a similar position (he gained weight/drank heavily - although I put weight on too) and now we're working together to get healthier and stay fit. He didn't realise how bad it had gotten until we had a frank discussion about it.

YANBU for considering it though, it must be stressful and frustrating for you (always been blamed for the arguments takes it's toll)

Xxx

Salmotrutta · 13/02/2015 00:16

Just to add, I don't mean to dismiss the weight issue but I'm separating it from the drinking problem.

I read lots of contradictory threads on here where MNers are outraged on behalf of women whose husbands or boyfriends criticise their weight but don't seem to worry about advising other women to tell their Male partners to lose weight if they are obese.

Double standards I think.

Original poster
ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:26

I've had so many conversations about his drinking I've lost count. He promises to change but never does and the weight keeps piling on. He admits if the shoe was on the other foot he'd leave me. Yes, I used to love him but now I don't know, I really don't. He works really long hours and uses that as an excuse not to exercise as his days off are for playing playstation and eating. I feel such a bitch for being mortified getting on a plane with him and cringing at that bloody seat belt extension. I honestly don't want to been in public with him due to his size. Again, I'm sorry if this offends anyone but it's not comfortable sitting next to someone on a plane who encroaches on your space. It's the same in restaurants when we can only sit in certain tables. Eg he can't fit into booths with tables that are fixed to the floor. I worry so much about his drinking, I really do. I dread him coming in at night to hear those cans and the bottle clanking. Can alcoholics change? I do thinks he's a functioning alcoholic as he works but can they change?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2015 00:31

Alcoholics can change but only if they want to and they do the work. You've tried, he doesn't want to. Sorry.

Original poster
ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:32

my husband was in a similar position (he gained weight/drank heavily - although I put weight on too) and now we're working together to get healthier and stay fit. He didn't realise how bad it had gotten until we had a frank discussion about it

I've been frank to the point of hurtful but he will not see the issue. I hate how much he drinks and how argumentative he gets. He's physically grabbed me a couple of times but never remembers in the morning. On one occasion I had him arrested but he completely turned it on me and I retracted my statement.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 13/02/2015 00:37

You only get one life, OP. Can you really spend the rest of your with this man? You've tried so hard and for so long to make him see sense, to no avail. I think you know you need to make serious steps towards leaving. See a solicitor.

Original poster
ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:41

I've just read my post back to myself and have realised something. This is abuse isn't it? It's that thing I look at happening to other people and not me. The night before my mums funeral he got drunk and I barricaded myself and DD in the living room he was so drunk, we slept on the couch. He earns much more than me and always casts it up to me that he works harder etc etc and shouldn't do anything about the house. He grabbed me tonight and was very in my face. I said to him "I'm going outside". The answer I got was "you have anger issues". I wasn't angry or anything.

OP posts:
flowerpowerspiceknicks · 13/02/2015 00:43

Totally feel for you op...only you can decide if you want to stay with him. It sounds like he has a lot going on inside his head for him to get into this situation regarding the drink and weight, I hope all goes well for you Flowers

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 13/02/2015 00:47

That's horrible. And yes it does sound abusive, and like it's escalating. You would be very reasonable to leave.

Higheredserf · 13/02/2015 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOFster · 13/02/2015 00:50

He certainly does sound abusive, yes. It's ok to leave just because you want to.

Barricading yourself and your children in is never normal.

SorchaN · 13/02/2015 01:05

Yes, you should leave him while you still have the emotional strength to do so. You don't want your daughter to grow up thinking this is normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship. I suspect you would have fewer issues with his weight if he weren't an abusive bastard.

NeedABumChange · 13/02/2015 01:20

That's about £20 a night on booze. Say £100 a week if stuff is on offer, that's over £5 grand a year he's pissing up the wall. Shock

I hope you and your dd haven't been going without anything.

MistressDeeCee · 13/02/2015 05:09

I can understand why you're falling out of love with this man. Being morbidly obese, an argumentative drunk stinking of alcohol, is hardly going to endear him to you. You've talked to him many times but he will only change if he wants to. & this is a lot for you to deal with - you're not a counsellor. Not to mention the money he is spending weekly..its as if he is on self-destruct and doesn't care. Sad for him - but also sad for you, because he is really giving you no choice but to leave. There is nothing worse than a belligerent drunk. Awful atmosphere. Id leave in your shoes as I simply wouldn't be able to stand it. However if you have some love for him then you could try one last time to get through to him

Timetoask · 13/02/2015 05:25

Op, if you have tried talking to him about his issues and he is not keen to change then I really would start making a plan to leave the marriage.
I couldn't live with an alcoholic, and I can totally see why you are embarrassed to be seen with him.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 13/02/2015 05:26

Yes it is abuse. No you can't change him. He has to want to. You deserve better.

AWholeLottaNosy · 13/02/2015 05:58

Leaving him may ironically be the best thing for him as it may motivate him to change, having lost you...

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