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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in wanting to leave because of his drinking and size?

129 replies

ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:03

It's taken me a long time to post this. I've been on here for years and tonight yet another incident happened in my home life that makes me wonder how much longer can I put up with it. I've NC as I'm too embarrassed to use my normal name.

My DH drinks, every bloody night. It's either 4 or 6 cans of Budweiser and a bottle of wine or the same 4 or 6 cans and half to thee quarters a bottle of vodka.

Yet again tonight I'm blamed for "starting an argument" as I asked him to go to bed (as he's getting argumentative).

There's many Issues I have and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone by saying my main issue is my DH is now 26 stone. I don't find him attractive and don't want to go on holiday with him. I'm mortified he can't fit into a normal plane seat without a seat belt extender let alone sit on a beach with him. He seems oblivious to the comments people make but they really embarrass me. I'm sick of going to restaurants with him only to find myself looking for tables in the corner to hide away.

We haven't has sex in two years as I can't bear the thought of his fat engulfing my 9 stone frame.

He was always big built but never 26 stone. He was normally 17 stone but at 6'5" that wasn't bad. Honestly I make very healthy meals and have encouraged him to try every healthy eating plan going.

In short, I'm sick of his drinking, I'm fed up of him being argumentative with a drink (most nights) and I'm so embarrassed by his size.

AIBU in considering leaving him?

OP posts:
IMurderedStampyLongnose · 10/04/2015 22:29

Hi OP,I didn't see your original post but wanted to say well done for being so brave.I hope you and your DD have a fantastic life,free from fearFlowers

BiscuitMillionaire · 10/04/2015 22:39

Just end it. This is your one precious life. Don't waste it with him.

BiscuitMillionaire · 10/04/2015 22:40

Ah sorry, just seen your update. Well done. It's great to read some good news on here. All the very best wishes to you and your DD.

Branleuse · 10/04/2015 22:47

well done xx

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:53

If this wasn't a wake-up call to him to stop drinking, he's definitely alcoholic and would never have stopped if you'd stayed. So well done, you took the only decision you could. All the best for a happy future, OP, you deserve it.

NameChange30 · 10/04/2015 23:08

Wonderful update Smile Well done OP! Didn't think it was possible to be proud of someone I've never even met - but there you go!
Good luck for the rest, not that you need it - you're sounding so positive and strong Grin

Giraffeseyelashes · 10/04/2015 23:17

Good for you. Onwards and upwards. So exciting and we'll done!!!

Giraffeseyelashes · 10/04/2015 23:18

well done I mean!

Jenijena · 10/04/2015 23:18

Fabulous update. Hoping life continues to improve for you

Bluejumperandbluejeans · 10/04/2015 23:24

Well done SmileSmile I'm so pleased that you've done it. It take guts and a belief that things will get better.

I've been there as I married a kind funny clever generous loving man who turned into a drunken slob night after night til he destroyed my love and our marriage and all our hopes. I'm living my new life now and you and your dd will too.
Even now 15 years on I can't stand to hear the clink of cans or bottles, fortunately I don't have to hear it anymore.
I've remarried to a man who likes a drink but rarely gets drunk as he keeps to his limits.
I'm rooting for you.

readyforno2 · 10/04/2015 23:42

Have only just come across your thread but I think that's one of the best updates I've read!
Best of luck to you and your dd

BunnyLebowski · 10/04/2015 23:44

OP!!!!!!

Well bloody done you marvellous woman Brew Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

The fact that he turned down contact with his DD says it all. You are both well rid.

Your new life has started!! I'm delighted for you Smile . Thank you for updating us.

sizeup · 11/04/2015 00:49

You are an inspiration OP! Flowers

MerryKat · 11/04/2015 08:12

I wish you all the very best Flowers

LotusLight · 11/04/2015 08:37

Well done. It is not always just the weight. I had similar issues (except I was the main earner) and he was down to 9 stone at one point (yes that light) and still drinking too much (although nothing like as much as yours) and I was not happy (and am much happier divorced) and I had the same thing on holidays - just wanting to be anywhere but with that person (not because he looked thin (or fat) but because of the person they are). I don't agree though that alcoholics can always help themselves and choose to drink nor to eat for that matter - it is more complex than that but still likely to be for the best that you have left and your child can still have a good relationship with both parents and see them both of course.

Plenty of women on here cannot stop eating and cannot stop drinking and I am sure most of us do not blame them, nor men who do the same . It is very sad and very difficult but the bottom line is we do not have to tolerate living with someone (a) we don't fancy ( b) who makes us unhappy and (c) who drinks too much.

Good luck.

Jackieharris · 11/04/2015 08:47

Well done!

milkysmum · 11/04/2015 09:35

Wow well done for being brave and leaving. Last year I kicked dh out for similar reasons (not he weight though) and 6 months later he convinced me he had changed and I allowed him home. Well surprise surprise we are pretty much back to where we were, him drinking every night, me being blamed for every argument, endless promises that things will change etc..., we have two dc age 6 and 3. It will break there heart if we split again and I feel trapped. I fantasise about doing what you have done, just leaving myself and renting somewhere with the kids, lots to the think about.......

straighttothepoint · 11/04/2015 09:48

Well done xx

AndyWarholsOrange · 11/04/2015 09:50

Well done! You really went from 0-100 in 10 seconds. Many women, including me, stay in abusive relationships for months or years after they realise they are being abused. The reasons are complex and not the victim's fault- often the abuser has cut her off from all her support or ground her self esteem down to the point that she believes she doesn't deserve any better.
It's great to read about someone deciding they've had enough and just getting out.
I hope you have a great life!

KingCrimson · 11/04/2015 14:24

What an inspiring story! I'm so pleased for you Flowers

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 11/04/2015 14:37

I have just read your entire thread and am so pleased for you, your DD and your new life. I know only too well what it is like being in a miserable marriage - I am envious of your ability to leave. I hope this is the start of wonderful things for you. Flowers

championnibbler · 11/04/2015 14:41

well done. Smile

MamaLazarou · 11/04/2015 14:51

OP, I just can't tell you how much I admire you for doing the right thing for your daughter by leaving this mess of a man.

You should be proud of yourself. I wish you all the happiness life can bring.

flanneryann · 11/04/2015 15:41

I would like to say I would try and be understanding and try to encourage he seeks some help. To be honest though I'm pretty sure i would leave him. Especially as it sounds like you have tried to encourage him to see the error of his ways and regularly get abuse for it. You can lead a horse to water and all that...

ljwales · 11/04/2015 16:17

Yuck if he treats his body like that no wonder he treats you badly. Ltfb!