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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in wanting to leave because of his drinking and size?

129 replies

ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:03

It's taken me a long time to post this. I've been on here for years and tonight yet another incident happened in my home life that makes me wonder how much longer can I put up with it. I've NC as I'm too embarrassed to use my normal name.

My DH drinks, every bloody night. It's either 4 or 6 cans of Budweiser and a bottle of wine or the same 4 or 6 cans and half to thee quarters a bottle of vodka.

Yet again tonight I'm blamed for "starting an argument" as I asked him to go to bed (as he's getting argumentative).

There's many Issues I have and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone by saying my main issue is my DH is now 26 stone. I don't find him attractive and don't want to go on holiday with him. I'm mortified he can't fit into a normal plane seat without a seat belt extender let alone sit on a beach with him. He seems oblivious to the comments people make but they really embarrass me. I'm sick of going to restaurants with him only to find myself looking for tables in the corner to hide away.

We haven't has sex in two years as I can't bear the thought of his fat engulfing my 9 stone frame.

He was always big built but never 26 stone. He was normally 17 stone but at 6'5" that wasn't bad. Honestly I make very healthy meals and have encouraged him to try every healthy eating plan going.

In short, I'm sick of his drinking, I'm fed up of him being argumentative with a drink (most nights) and I'm so embarrassed by his size.

AIBU in considering leaving him?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 11:27

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post. Someone asked if he drove the morning after drinking, no he doesn't he gets a lift to work thank God. I slept in the spare room last night as I couldn't face the snoring grunting mass that was in our bed. He got up this morning and said "we need to talk" then went straight to work. I've been here 100 times with him. The odd thing is for someone looking in from the outside at our life would think it was perfect. The house, the cars, the holidays that I dread going on the meals out, but I feel like a bird in a gilded cage. I want for nothing, absolutely nothing materialistically. I know I must sound like an utter bitch. I'm so lonely and have few friends of my own. All our friends are joint ones. I have no family, but that doesn't bother me as it's the way it's always been and I've not known any different. I married the most wonderful, loving man and I don't know where the hell he's gone. I know it's the alcohol but he has a choice whether to throw it down his neck or not. He turns into a completely different person after a few and blames me for the tiniest of things. He also tries to twist anything I say then denies it in the morning. I'm sometimes tempted to record him and play it back when he's sober. His health worries me, his drinking worries me, his weight worries me yet any time I mention it i'm told everyone in his profession drinks "to relax" and his weight isn't an issue. I don't know whether to say to him to get his act together or I'm leaving. I'm not sure that would be enough. I think I do need to leave and get on with my life and hope he'll sort himself out. He'll either do that or kill himself with drink.

OP posts:
DorothyGherkins · 13/02/2015 11:31

I lefy my x simply because there was no joy in the relationship. Not on any level. Whats the point of living with someone who makes you truly miserable, and has no interest in changing? Life is too short. I left and have now found peace and joy in abundance.

SoonToBeMrsB · 13/02/2015 11:56

I really hope he changes but, as said many times before, he has to want it.

My uncle is an alcoholic who manages to hold down a really good full time job but he is in his 50's, still lives with my gran and granddad, pays no rent and drinks/smokes every penny he gets. He ruins every family event he attends and invariably has to be driven home and put to bed.

A few years ago he fell down a flight of concrete steps and almost died - broken ribs, broken eye socket... it was nasty. We thought that this would be rock bottom and the turning point - it wasn't. He still lives on cheap wine and cigarettes alone in his single bedroom.

I hope for both your sakes that your DH takes heed. He is killing himself and it's not fair on you.

Gruntfuttock · 13/02/2015 12:01

It sounds as though you would be able to divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I think that if you see a solicitor a.s.a.p. you will have things clearer in your mind and feel able to envisage and look forward to a better future.

UncrushedParsley · 13/02/2015 12:10

This is domestic violence, as well as other types of abuse. I would be thinking very hard about getting him to move out, at least temporarily. He was violent again to you last night. This is starting to escalate I think.

26Point2Miles · 13/02/2015 12:11

At 26 stone which is increasing by the day he is going to make himself disabled. You'll end up being his carer into old age. I feel for you

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 13/02/2015 12:27

Op, you deserve so much better than this and more to the point so do your DC. Please leave so that your DC don't have to spend every day living with an abusive, alcoholic father who is disrespectful towards their mother when he is drunk. You could have a much happier life without this man and it sounds like you are ready to make the break away from this miserable existence.

You really have no good reason to stay married to this man.

starsandguitars · 13/02/2015 12:50

Oh OP I completely understand the 'completely different person bit'. Everyone thought my ex was marvellous and in many ways he was but in the evenings or after an afternoon at the pub he was someone I would have never ever have chosen to be with. In the morning he refused to believe he had behaved the way he did or said what he said and I was left feeling like the unreasonable nagging wife. I became that person. When my ex said it was over I made him go to his mother's as I was convinced he'd drink himself to death in the space of a month. After a week he moved back in and I moved out to my parents. He didn't sink like a stone, he moved on and I was so glad to be free. If he is drinking and eating like he is, pushing you away with it at the same time, he is miserable. You can't make him change and you can't make him happy if that doesn't happen automatically. This is no longer right for either of you and you are not responsible for how he lives his life. I'm sure you've given ultimatum after ultimatum. You have to go, what he does is his problem. It must be such a hard step to take, I was a coward and didn't take it and there weren't even any children involved - only a house in negative equity and I could go back to my family home. Be brave!

starsandguitars · 13/02/2015 12:52

Sorry to go on but 6 months afterwards I met the man of my absolute dreams, we are married with two small children now and I can truly appreciate what a marriage should be. I wasted so much time I could have had to be myself, be free of worry and stress.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 13/02/2015 13:07

I think I do need to leave and get on with my life and hope he'll sort himself out.

Sounds sensible. What's stopping you?

2rebecca · 13/02/2015 13:13

You can leave a relationship for any reason you want. If you think you'd be happier without that person in your life and particularly without that person in the same house as you then you leave.
You don't have to justify it.
Some masochistic people may feel they have to grin and bear a life of self imposed misery until death but my husband and I are in our marriage until at least one of us no longer wants to be in the marriage. Life is short and you only get one life.

minifingers · 13/02/2015 13:28

At the rate he's going, you're not going to have a very long future together anyway, though there's always the possibility of you spending a couple of decades of your life as his carer...

UncrushedParsley · 13/02/2015 13:37

People need to take the focus off this idiot's weight, and on to the fact that he is a VIOLENT abusive arsehole.

toffeeboffin · 13/02/2015 13:38

Life is short. Leave. You will not regret it. Thanks

Bluepants · 13/02/2015 13:39

What will be the arrangements for him seeing your dd? I'd worry that if his contact might consist of him being in charge of her drunk and not looking after her properly. Is he her dad, because if he isn't you can make a clean break. If he is her dad, I think you need to think about how to protect her from this abusive drunk. If he hasn't got you there to verbally abuse, he may start on her.

emotionsecho · 13/02/2015 13:52

Confused this is not a healthy relationship, this is not what a marriage should be, it is not a partnership of equals, you have lost all respect for him (unsurprisingly), this is not a good example of a relationship for your children to witness.

Please go and see a solicitor, please make plans to free yourself and your children, please do it now before you become any more ground down.

I would record him and get photographic evidence of the amount of alcohol he consumes which I would hand to the solicitor as I would not want him to have unsupervised or overnight access to the children. Be totally honest with the solicitor, tell them what you have told us, you need to protect yourself and your children.

Even if he does decide to talk to you tonight as a sober and sensible adult and promise to change you and your children will have to weather some very difficult times whilst he is doing so, is it worth it? Will he really change? Can you ever really relax again certain he will never revert to how he is now, or will you be forever watching and waiting for signs that he is slipping back to how he is now? Why put yourself and your children through that?

laughingmyarseoff · 13/02/2015 17:15

YANBU OP, you need to see a solicitor before doing anything though just so that you know what to get copies of before you leave.

lemonmuffin1 · 13/02/2015 18:33

I would leave him. Who could fancy a massively obese person?

Hedgehogparty · 13/02/2015 19:01

You've asked him to change but the reality is he can't or won't. He's not the man you want and if you stay he'll drag you down too.

Get out and find the life you need and deserve.

Original poster
ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 19:38

I called Women's Aid this afternoon. I didn't know where to turn to but the woman was so lovely. She's made me an appointment for a Solicitor they recommend on Tuesday. I didn't want to use our normal Solicitor as he knows DH personally. I'm going in to see Women's Aid on Monday as I need to find somewhere to rent and they have a list of landlords. I also need to open a bank account as we have a joint account just now and I've been advised to get one in my name only. I took the advice posters on here gave me and have all the documents ie birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate in my car safely stashed away.

He came in and is full of the usual promises but I've heard it all before and a leopard doesn't change it's spots does it? He'd have changed by now if he really wanted to. I feel quite excited and I know that sounds really awful but I had a long think today about the person I used to be. I used to laugh a lot and I barely smile these days, there's no joy in my life except for DD. I don't want her growing up with an alcoholic dad who can barely run down the garden. I'm so sorry if my references to his weight upset anyone, it really am. I thought back to being on holiday last year and a comment was made by a woman in a loud whisper at the next table to us. "Well she's obviously with him for his money." That comment really really hurt me. I stayed because I adored him, for the man I married who isn't the man I married anymore. That makes me sad as he was a lovely person once. If he'd stayed lovely inside I could have coped but he didn't.

Thank you all so much for your supportive posts. You all have no idea how much I cried this morning when I read them and realised I'm not alone. It's odd how strangers on the internet can bring someone so much comfort. To those that asked about DD and contact, well, he won't be seeing her unless supervised and sober. Any Court that tries to tell me differently can go to hell. I'll keep you all updated and once again thank you x

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 13/02/2015 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2015 20:21

Flowers Good luck!

niddy · 13/02/2015 20:41

Time for a whole new chapter in your life for you and your kids. X

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 13/02/2015 22:12

Well done you Flowers

AnyFucker · 13/02/2015 22:24

all the best x