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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in wanting to leave because of his drinking and size?

129 replies

ConfusedInScotland2015 · 13/02/2015 00:03

It's taken me a long time to post this. I've been on here for years and tonight yet another incident happened in my home life that makes me wonder how much longer can I put up with it. I've NC as I'm too embarrassed to use my normal name.

My DH drinks, every bloody night. It's either 4 or 6 cans of Budweiser and a bottle of wine or the same 4 or 6 cans and half to thee quarters a bottle of vodka.

Yet again tonight I'm blamed for "starting an argument" as I asked him to go to bed (as he's getting argumentative).

There's many Issues I have and I'm so sorry if I offend anyone by saying my main issue is my DH is now 26 stone. I don't find him attractive and don't want to go on holiday with him. I'm mortified he can't fit into a normal plane seat without a seat belt extender let alone sit on a beach with him. He seems oblivious to the comments people make but they really embarrass me. I'm sick of going to restaurants with him only to find myself looking for tables in the corner to hide away.

We haven't has sex in two years as I can't bear the thought of his fat engulfing my 9 stone frame.

He was always big built but never 26 stone. He was normally 17 stone but at 6'5" that wasn't bad. Honestly I make very healthy meals and have encouraged him to try every healthy eating plan going.

In short, I'm sick of his drinking, I'm fed up of him being argumentative with a drink (most nights) and I'm so embarrassed by his size.

AIBU in considering leaving him?

OP posts:
LuxuryTrifle · 13/02/2015 06:18

So many reasons to leave OP - it might help to ask yourself , what reason is there to stay? I suspect nothing outweighs the things you've mentioned during the thread. Abusive, alcohol, weight, a vanished sex life, it just all sounds so over. What are the reasons to stay? Is it financial difficulty in escaping?

ourglass · 13/02/2015 06:23

Fuck that. You must leave.

Crabstick · 13/02/2015 07:06

If I was living this, I'd be making plans to leave op. It might give him the wake up call needed.

LindyHemming · 13/02/2015 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/02/2015 07:28

Yes it is abuse, and you and your DCs need to leave. Plan it.
Leave because he is abusive.
I think you would have compassion for someone who was morbidly obese through no fault of their own, but he sounds as though he has put a lot of effort to get that way by choice, and been willing to let you suffer as a result. He has already checked out of the marriage...at least 2 years ago.

MrsMinton · 13/02/2015 07:38

It is abuse and it's not only you but your child. My DH grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent. It does so much damage to them emotionally. You need to leave him for both of your sakes.

NimpyWWindowmash · 13/02/2015 07:42

An abusive alcoholic?! Don't put up with it.

If he does not want to change (you cannot change him, it has to come from him), I'd say in your shors I would leave.

Timeforabiscuit · 13/02/2015 07:45

You are unhappy - make plans to leave.

I think even if he did change his attitude overnight, you are in for a long road (around three years to loose that kind of weight) and it doesn't sound like the relationship has the reserves left to cope with that.

He has chosen his life to lead, why do you think you don't deserve the same?

AnyFucker · 13/02/2015 07:47

You've tried all the talking

now is the time to stop making meaningless ultimatums

just end it....maybe it will be the shock of realising you mean what you say that makes him sort himself out, maybe it won't

the simple fact is is though, at the moment you are unhappy and he doesn't care

Å£his is reason enough to go, even without the signs of escalating abuse

MrsAlexanderSkarsgard · 13/02/2015 07:57

This could've been me two years ago (without the abuse). My ex was over 6'5 hugely overweight and every night it was the same, atleast 8 cans of cider and usually a few large glasses of red.
We never went anywhere together, didn't sleep together and were effectively just house mates. I had tried over and over to talk to him, arranged for him to get help, but it never came to anything.
I took a long time to get there but when I eventually told him enough was enough, I felt like a huge weight lifting from m shoulders. I don't regret doing it, just that it took me so long.
Good luck op, I really hope you find the strength to leave x x x

MrsAlexanderSkarsgard · 13/02/2015 07:57

*my

GlitzAndGigglesx · 13/02/2015 08:03

The alcohol isn't going to help with his weight. He's an alcoholic who is drinking and eating himself to death and needs serious help. Don't even give him an ultimatum just leave. This behaviour won't change overnight

ThatBloodyWoman · 13/02/2015 08:09

I am going to go out on a limb a bit here.
Of course you should leave him for the abuse and the drinking.
But I see no issue with leaving him because you no longer find him attractive or fun to be with because of the excessive weight.
Its your only chance at life.

tiggytape · 13/02/2015 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyLuck10 · 13/02/2015 08:23

Yanbu, and I wouldn't blame you at all for wanting to leave. He is abusive and frankly doesn't care that he is. There are huge problems to work on here, but the person with the problem can't be bothered so there's not much to stick around for. He is an alcoholic, that's going to require commitment to change but seems like he won't even admit there's a problem. Also the weight issue is something you should also not want to put up with. It's not a few extra pounds it's morbidly obese. He needs a massive amount of work to change his life and for the his family, but if he doesn't want to then you are wasting the one life you have with him.

Fairylea · 13/02/2015 08:29

Of course you should leave him. He's an abusive twat.

However you never need a reason to leave anyone. Just being unhappy is reason enough.

Kachan · 13/02/2015 08:45

Oh OP in the face of his atrocious behaviour you are beating yourself up for not fancying him anymore. Bless you. I have to agree with others, LTB. You will get nowhere by asking him to change, it has to come from him. Life is too short to be this unhappy.

Marynary · 13/02/2015 08:52

I don't blame you for wanting to leave someone who drinks that heavily every night. It isn't separate issue from the weight because the alcohol has caused the weight gain. Let him know that he needs to seek help for his alcoholism. If he refuses to believe he has a problem then I wouldn't stay in the marriage.

olgaga · 13/02/2015 08:53

The most worrying thing here is the recent escalation of aggression.

It sounds like he already knows how you feel and is lashing out, because he can't or won't change his drinking (and by extension, his weight gain).

Spend some time making sure you know exactly what your financial position is, taking copies of bank/mortgage/statements, payslips etc.

Tackle him at the weekend before he starts drinking.

I would hate to be modelling this kind of abusive relationship to my DD. You both deserve better.

flora717 · 13/02/2015 09:01

Calmly make plans. He is abusive and the alcholism is bringing out a dangerous side.

Whatisaweekend · 13/02/2015 09:43

Def start making plans to leave, gathering info, docs etc and making financial plans. The fact that he is a fat abusive drunk is bad enough but the fact that he lays his hands on you and you have had to barricade you and your dd into the lounge is pretty horrifying. Do you have friends/family nearby who can help you?

TwoOddSocks · 13/02/2015 10:09

In a way I feel sorry for him, sounds like he's spiralling out of control. I still wouldn't want to be married to him though. Perhaps you leaving will give him the push to change his life, perhaps it won't. It will extricate you from the situation though and YANBU for wanting to get out.

starsandguitars · 13/02/2015 10:14

My ex husband drank every night. I would hesitate to say he was alcoholic but he did have problems with drink and would become angry and self-pitying by 1am, refusing to go to bed, playing music at all volumes.

OP, your comment about dreading the sound of the cans clinking really resonates with me. I used to tense up, waiting for the clink or the 'I'm just popping out for some cans'. If he'd been out all day at football or with his mates, I'd dread driving the last mile home wondering what state or mood he would be in.

At the time I knew other people didn't have this issue but when you are in the middle of it, you normalise it.

We didn't have sex, I lost all respect for him and resented his lack of respect for my feelings and wishes.

In the end, he did me the greatest favour anyone has ever done me and he dumped me as he met someone else.

I know you are distressed by the weight gain but it seems that you feel guilty for finding him physically embarrassing and unappealing and that is making you put up with everything else.

I didn't see it when I was in a similar position but when booze takes priority over you (and it clearly is doing) and you lose respect for your OH then I don't see how you can come back from that.

Mumtotherescueagain · 13/02/2015 10:22

YANBU. Leave him. Might be the nudge he needs to seek help before he kills himself with drink and really morbid obesity. Whether he does or not, there's nothing for you there. You deserve more.

gatewalker · 13/02/2015 10:36

OP

I was in different, but abusive, circumstances, and I felt moved to share this with you:

About five years ago, I was married, lived in a beautiful house, and I was horribly, horribly trapped - in my relationship, which was verbally, emotionally and spiritually ("You don't have the right to exist!") abusive; and in myself.

Five years ago, I was at the kitchen sink, washing up, looking out the window, contemplating where I was and my future based on this, and I asked myself:

"Is this all there is?"

"Is this what my life has come to? Is this what I have to look forward to in the future?"

No, it wasn't. It isn't. I stepped well outside my predictable, fucked-up, abusive comfort zone, and started to make changes. I left my marriage, that house, the area, my line of work, my lifestyle, many familiar habits, my safety, and many of my beliefs, behind.

Life has changed. It has been difficult, it has pushed me into confrontations with myself that have asked me to grow beyond what I could imagine, and it has been amazing too. Life goes on - it isn't trouble-free, it isn't always 'nice' - but it is increasingly on my terms, and I am discovering who I am - who I hid away from - more and more each day.

I am so fucking grateful I grabbed the opportunity to leave and to follow a thin but golden thread that led me back to myself. I keep following it. I keep discovering things. I cannot tell you how precious and beyond-words rewarding this is. I love myself, and I am able to love more. My creativity is coming back; I am doing things I would never have imagined. I am challenging the roles I unconsciously took on from my childhood, my parents, society, the expectations of those who never really saw me. Because it's only now that I'm starting to see myself. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Not one thing.