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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage son

335 replies

Apple17 · 11/02/2015 09:34

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 11/02/2015 16:20

The majority isnt excusing behaviour everybody wants the little girl and mum to be safe it is easyvto write off teenagers as thugs or just a phase kids are violent for a reason poster s are just trying to help Apple work out that reason to help the son andvmore importantly stop this little girl getting abuse every other day

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 16:22

apple please don't let one judgemental post in 170 others of positive support and experiences get to you.

Maybe you should start a thread in teenagers or behaviour and seek regular ongoing support.

You might call me over invested but I personally would like to see you and all your children come through this happily. I am sure many others feel the same.

Bifauxnen · 11/02/2015 16:25

Could I ask, what does he do when he's in his room? You say he doesn't socialise outside of school. Does he have internet access? Is he socialising online?

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 16:39

op i hope you'll take on that whatever support you try and give him you also need to ensure your dd gets the support needed by a 10yo girl suffering physical abuse at home. one does not have to preclude the other.

Original poster
Apple17 · 11/02/2015 17:03

Thanks passmethecrisps, do you know how I could move this thread over or would I have to start a new one?

Bifauxnen - he plays playstation or watches tv, he doesn't go on the Internet he doesn't have a phone either

OP posts:
Bifauxnen · 11/02/2015 17:08

In one way that's a comfort as he's not being led astray online but in another it's sad that he's shut away from social interaction.

livingzuid · 11/02/2015 17:09

You can ask MN to move it for you. Just report the thread and ask for it to be moved to teenagers.

There was a great link I saw recently on another thread for young men being abusive at home. I will try and find it for you.

Trickydecision · 11/02/2015 17:12

I am certainly not going to judge, you are in a dreadful situation, but unless you do take drastic steps to curtail his violence it can only get worse. Your poor DD needs protection so I am on the side of those recommending involving the police.
I am wondering too about the 'anxiety issues' you referred to. Can you elaborate on this?
Also, and apologies if I have missed this, what is your DH's role in dealing with the situation?

DishwasherDogs · 11/02/2015 17:23

Mentioning asd when there are some clear signs of it is not attempting to label a child. As far wiser people have said, labels are for luggage.
In this case, clearly there is something going on. A 14 yr old does not behave like this for no reason.
And I'm sorry, but whoever keeps spouting about it not being a disorder because he is fine at school, it sounds like you know very little about asd. It is incredibly common for dc to appear fine at school but explode at home. A very quick browse in the SN board will show you many examples of this happening.
And no, not all abusers will have SN or MH problems, of course they haven't, but somewhere along the line in their lives, something has happened, cues have been missed etc. for this behaviour to continue.

I do believe though that there are dc on the spectrum who are missed because of people's insistence that they must show clear signs all the time.

Celtic, how helpful your posts are, and labelling a 14 yr old a thug. Wow.

Passmethecrisps · 11/02/2015 17:40

Would you like this moved?

Reporting your own op will wirk

SocialMediaAddict · 11/02/2015 18:52

Does he get punished? Do you take the TV or playstation out of his room?

JudgeRinderSays · 11/02/2015 19:13

when did you and your DS do something he loves together, just the 2 or you.

I asked this above but it hasn't been answered

Original poster
Apple17 · 11/02/2015 19:20

Social - yes we have tried that a couple of times but he doesn't seem bothered by it or will be even more disruptive.

Judge - we regularly do things with just him, DH will take him to football matches, he also plays on a team and we always go every week and cheer him on. He loves the cinema so we go maybe twice a month without DD.

OP posts:
littleleftie · 11/02/2015 19:21

I agree with PP that as well as the CAMHS referral, you do need to tell him that violence is unnacceptable and that the next time he is violent towards you or DD you WILL CALL THE POLICE. and then you do have to do it.

It doesn't really sound like there are any sanctions for his poor behaviour. If he is so awful how come he still has a playstation?

Transporter · 11/02/2015 19:37

Has he an aunt, uncle or grandparent that he could stay with for a while? Or what about his bio dad?

KatieKaye · 11/02/2015 19:40

Hi Apple
Wish I had some great advice for you, but can only say that your DS sounds very unhappy - and that is making the rest of the family unhappy. I hope you can all get some help.

WyrdByrd · 11/02/2015 21:12

This is obviously a horrible situation, and I really hope you get whatever help & support you all need, but please, please do whatever it takes to protect your little girl.

I watched one of my closest friends suffer regular abuse at the hands of her older brother throughout our childhood & teens. The result has been a very anxious woman with low self esteem who has had a number of equally abusive adult relationships. It's hard to believe that the two aren't linked Sad .

In your position I would be very concerned about things escalating once new baby arrives. You will obviously be very involved with him & less able to keep an eye on what's happening between your older two.

Celticlass2 · 11/02/2015 22:03

OP, of course you're enabling his behaviour. You're allowing it to continue are you not?
Have you informed the police yet??

APotNoodleandaTommy · 11/02/2015 22:06

I fear she has not and will not get police involved Sad

Celticlass2 · 11/02/2015 22:06

Yep op, you continue to indulge your son while he verbally and physically abuses your 10 year old DD.
I cant believe I'm readiing this. Angry
Oh and to whoever mentioned it, yes there are plenty of 14 year old thugs out there.

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 22:11

at what point would people agree with calling the police and safeguarding the little girl involved here? does she need to be knocked unconconscious? what if it was sexual rather than purely physical and verbal abuse? what if he physically attack the soon to be born baby?

at what point does the victim of abusive behaviour become important enough to warrant protection when the abuser is also a child?

the op is conspicuously quiet about her dds wellbeing and everyone's concern for it.

Celticlass2 · 11/02/2015 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHoneyBadger · 11/02/2015 22:19

that's harsh celtic. this is dv and the op and her dd are caught in the cycle of it.

duplodon · 11/02/2015 22:22

'Not nice humans'... Anyone who can write off a 14 year old - a 14 year old! - as a not nice human really occupies such a bleak sort of world I wouldn't want to be a part of. I think in reality there are very few people in the world who can be written off at any age, but at 14??? That's just tragic.

My cousin was like this boy, and he was very abusive to his then ten year old brother. He is an adult with schizophrenia now and medication has made the world of difference.

I think most ragey, violent behaviour arises from suffering. I wouldn't tolerate it, enable it or keep the police at bay... But to say it's because someone is a thug/not nice as a human at 14 is spectacularly unhelpful.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/02/2015 22:23

Thanks Celtic that's enough now!