To dislike my teenage son

[Apple17]

I will probably be flamed for this but I'm at the end of my tether with him.
My son is 14 and completely unruly, he has no respect for anyone in our family, swears and is violent.
I love him so much but really dislike him, living with him is like living with a ticking bomb waiting for any minute when he's gonna explode into one of his rages.
His anger and violence is mainly aimed at his 10 year old sister, he is absolutely vile to her, calls her a fat bitch, wanker, c**t.. You name it he calls her it, she's a red head and he will also call her things like 'ginger prick'.. He hits her, pushes her, he's given her a fat lip before, she's no angel and I know at times she will probably wind him up as siblings do but he's reactions are extreme and it's got to the point where I don't want to leave them in the same room together, Its got to the point when I pick her up from school we both don't want to go home cos we know he will just be horrible, pick fights and be verbally abusive to us both so we will sit in costa for a couple of hours till DH comes home, I feel so sorry for her she has such a hard time and is always in tears by the way he's treated her or hurt her.
This morning has just pushed me over the edge, I was in the bedroom getting ready after a shower DD said she would feed the dog, 2 minutes later I hear world war 3 going off my DD run in the bedroom screaming holding her side, her brother had punched her and swore at her for apparently feeding the dog wrong! I go and speak with him and I get called a fat wanker and a face full of dog biscuits thrown at me... I just went to my room and broke down, I really have had enough of him. I'm also 5 months pregnant so feeling emotional as it is. I have tried to seek help for him for his anger problems, been to the doctors numerous times begging for help and I just get nowhere, the last doctors appointment resulted in a referral to camms?? (Not sure if that's what's it called) so will see how far we get with them although I'm not holding out much hope! Sorry it's so long I just wanted to explain the best I could.

Judgenot to the extent that op child has a punched lip, and is verbally abused, and is afraid to be at home, which should be like a sanctuarary . need is totally right, I hope the op ds recieves the therapy he needs to help him and the family.

Thanks Dishwasher and Fromparis .

I know it must be incredibly hard for the parent of a child like the OPs and my brother. However, action must be taken ASAP because before you know it the horrible violent little boy will become a 6ft violent man and it will be too late. Insist SS do something or call the police or see if a relative will take him to split the siblings up. Your DD only has one childhood please don't let it be ruined like mine. I used to pray at night for my bother to die and have suicidal thoughts. That's not normal for a young child. You have the chance to save your DD from abuse and give her a normal childhood.

Unfortunately there will be those who will play down what's going on because they can't fathom a situation where a sibling could abuse another. However, there's a big difference between a bit of a sibling rough and tumble and real abuse and the fact you and DD have to hide in coffee shops tells me this is full on abuse and it will escalate.

I agree capricorn, thanks for sharing your sad story . It is not acceptable for op dd to have to go through this physical and emotional abuse from her brother and to be afraid in her home.

Yes this 5ft 3/4 boy, will soon grow into a big man with the same issues, if they are not addressed. It is serious, not to be downplayed. Yes he could well have an undiagnosed condition, of may have underlying issues that need addressing.

I agree too, Capricorn, but it's easier said than done. If your child presents behaviour that doesn't fit in with the expected norm (talking typically presenting ASD or ADHD now), there is very little support, and very few people who will take you seriously and actually do or say something useful.

Like the video I linked to said, all children will do well if they can. At the moment, we live in a society that either blames the parent or the child, rather than looking for why the behaviour is there in the first place and working out how the child can do better, in school or behaviour wise or whatever.

Dd has ASD and in my area, they are very good with identifying, diagnosis and help. It does vary from one area to another though.

It might be worth you speaking to YoungMinds too. They're a charity that helps to support children and parents in similar situations. Their helpline is on 0808 802 5544.

we have to be really careful to not associate children with genuine disorders or challenges with violent abusive teenagers just because it makes us feel more comfortable.

that is not fair to the many children who do suffer with disorders without being violent or abusive or who are violent or abusive in situations triggered by their condition.

not all aggressive, cruel or violent behaviour can be explained by disorders or conditions.

capricorn brave post and

I think in this case as has been previously said very well by Honey the ops ds seems to be able to control his anger at school and he isn't fighting with older bigger lads or his dsd.

He is picking in the soft targets of a child and his pregnant mother.

He needs a bloody good strong hard reality check and absolute zero tolerance to this violence.

The police are good for that. He needs a scare here. And of course calms too.

Also the dd knows to know she has the right to not be hurt and it's wrong or what path is that leading to?

Yy Honey cross posts.

That is what I think Betty, and op and dd are soft targets, and it does not sound like he likes women very much. His pleasure at the baby not being a girl, and picking on op and dd, who are females, not so much dh.

Interesting that people are already looking for a label to fit what this 14 year old is doing. He sounds like a thug to me, - one whose parents are enabling his behaviour.
Beggers belief

Celtic
Be careful your judgy pants don't cut off circulation to a vital organ given how high you've hoicked them up!

I'll judge away thanks very much. Anyone excusing the abuse of a 10 year old girl should take a long hard look at themselves.
It's pretty obvious that part of the problem is that this kid hasn't been judged enough!!

I really hope you don't Scarf

Yeah, lets not bother to find out any causes celtic ,we'll just label him a thug.
OP ,sorry I haven't got time to read the thread. I just wanted to mention my 14 year old daughter (who is autistic) was extremely violent, uncontrollable rages, self harming. She was referred to a child psychiatrist and is now on risperidone. It has made a major difference to her.
I hope you do get the right help. I know what it's like living with a violent teenager.

Well said honey. Not all adults who abuse have a MH problem as the underlying cause, they are just not nice humans. The same can be said for young people. The hormones etc are vile but at 14 you know it is not acceptable to turn around and lash out physically and verbally at others. I too am disturbed by the fact that it is just the females in the relationship that are being targeted. It may well be a MH problem it may not. Only professional intervention will help one way or another. It's heartbreaking but sometimes there is only so much a parent can do.

And if OP is worried for her family's safety she can of course phone the police at any time - it is what they are there for!

OP I understand that you may not want to comment on this but I think your DH and (if he is still around) biological father also have a role to play here too. Just something to think on even if you don't want to discuss. Good luck with the CAMHS appointment tomorrow.

No one is excusing at all.

Rather people are looking for as many answers as possible to help the whole family.

Where is the benefit of labelling him a thug? Is doesn't help sister to have him known as a thug.

If apple can work towards the most appropriate professional support then that helps everyone

I think he also needs a referral to either a paedritrician or psychiatrist.

Celtic
It is worth checking that his behaviour isn't down to an underlying issue such as ASD, ADHD or other MH issues before labelling him as a thug. Would you really be happy to have him dragged into the criminal justice system because of untreated MH issues (which is sadly too often the case).

Apple I'm so sorry to hear what's been happening to you and your family. Being pregnant must make it especially difficult to deal with!

Others have given great advice on what to do and I'm sure you'll take on board what you feel is right for you; and your DS will get some help.

PLEASE do something for your DD. Unfortunately, her experience so far has taught her what domestic and emotional abuse feels like. It will be ingrained in her. Her reaction, not wanting to go home, is just a symptom of the impact this will have had on her psyche and self worth. Even if you reassured her for the rest of her childhood, unfortunately it's too late... The damage is done. She needs help. Counselling - to talk about what HER reality is and what she is feeling. For her to learn coping strategies to deal with the moments of panic, anxiety, self doubt, low self esteem; that will inevitably emerge from this traumatic experience she has had to endure... For a sustained period of time.

Consider, if she was a woman who had endured this form of domestic violence, we would be sympathetic to all the feelings I've listed above; and would be encouraging her to GET OUT AND GET HELP. Your DD doesn't have the luxury of such an adult decision. She needs someone to get that help for her. Now. NOT when it's all over. Now.

Her abuse will continue to affect her for a long time. Pls give her the tools and support she will need to come to terms with what her brother has done; and to start to deal with any feelings that may emerge of helplessness and resentment (towards you and DH and the world at large.... For letting this happen to her!)

Contact Women and Girls Network (WGN), Women's Aid and other domestic abuse services. They should be able to signpost you to where you can get free counselling for DD.

You'll need help too, obviously, in how to support DD through this and how to deal with your feelings about all that has happened.

I really hope your whole family finds a way to peace and emotional healing.

Celtic - I don't believe my son is a thug and DH and I are certainly not enabling his behaviour, also we are not excusing his behaviour and I don't believe any of the posters that have answered my thread are excusing it either. I am trying my best to help my family, I don't believe I'm just brushing this under the carpet but thank you anyway for your unhelpful, judgy input