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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to hurt this child although I wont?

181 replies

LadyPenny · 09/02/2015 17:11

DS is in year 10. Today I got a call from his Head of Year to tell me he had been beaten up by another pupil.
It was all caught on CCTV and after viewing that and making further investigations the school have said ds was in no way responsible. The other child's parents have been informed and he is being included in school. Ds was tackled to the ground then punched several times. HoY said it was a very nasty attack. Most of the blows landed to the side of his head so no obvious marks and ds seems ok.

That's all great. I am happy with how it's being dealt with.

BUT....... I want to track down the brat, rip his arms out and beat him with the bloody stumps Blush I really do. My stomach is churning. Somebody dared to hurt my precious child for no reason.

Obviously I wont do anything but I am really shocked at the strengh of my feelings. Ive never been in this situation, is it normal to feel like this, or am I a very U crazy loon mother?

OP posts:
Solo · 09/02/2015 18:15

Shock @ MrsGeorgeMichael; really? I've only read the OP your two comments on page 1 and I can tell you straight, that bullies like in the OP are not all from deprived and abused backgrounds! the bullies that picked on my Ds throughout his time (5 years) at secondary grammar school, were from very middle class families and as far from abused as you could get! and whilst I'm sure there are many abused, starved and beaten children that do pick on other children, it is certainly not the norm!

OP, YANBU.

I think you would be well within your rights to report this assault to the police and I so wish I had done so when Ds was stabbed with a compass in 4 places, one of which narrowly missed his spinal cord. Schools do not deal with these things properly in my experience.

I hope your Ds is ok. Flowers

Branleuse · 09/02/2015 18:16

i think its appropriate to call the police for a 15 year old. Absolutely.

Whatever home they come from can be judged later. An internal exclusion is nothing. He will do it again.
This does really need the police

Idefix · 09/02/2015 18:17

Really sorry for your ds, my ds was also attacked in school when in yr8 and the devastation that it left me with was simply awful. My ds attacker also received an in school isolation and I was very Hmm

I did go and have a meeting with the hoy as I wanted to know what other things were being done to tackle this is issue. I live in a v small community and this boy was already known to me as having issues. Was told that strategies were put in place but they couldn't go in to details for child's protection of privacy. As I say v small community later heard via fb that parents were - raging there pfb had been referred to cahms. Bizarrely this news really helped me to come to terms with what happened.

Realise that I might get flamed for this but I wonder if the schools rationale for giving him an in school isolation is because this is a worse punishment. He will be made to sit and work and won't be having a "free" week off. I wonder also if it is to ensure he is not exposed to any further "bad" influence that he maybe exposed to outside of school.

I would also strongly recommend a check up to log the incident on ds medical notes.

RaisingMen · 09/02/2015 18:17

Definitely call the police, hopefully they'll scare the little shit enough to never do anything like this again. Hope your son is ok OP x

Sister77 · 09/02/2015 18:18

Hi op, I hope your son is ok.

  1. get him checked medically and get his injuries recorded.
  2. go to the police and report
  3. go to the school. If the hoy has called it a particularly vicious attack but is only giving an internal exclusion then (imo) that is not good enough. These days it seems to be only the parents who "kick of" who get anything done. Is there any history between the boys. For what it's worth ive taught my kids never to start something but always defend yourself if your in that position. My nephew is short and was picked on horribly until he retaliated. The school wanted to exclude HIM for this but due to several recorded incidents were "persuaded" it would not be in anyone's best interests.
TheCatAteMyTaxReturn · 09/02/2015 18:18

OP. I'd be fucking LIVID if that happened to my DS.

Definitely involve the police, and keep your DS at home until the school offers guarantees for your DS's safety.

muminhants · 09/02/2015 18:19

Idefix you could be right - an exclusion is a gift to the child who wants to play truant anyway.

LokiBear · 09/02/2015 18:22

Yeah I'm sure. Perhaps it is down to the individual school to decide their own policy?

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 09/02/2015 18:23

Definitely go to the police. An unprovoked assault needs police involvement IMO. Internal exclusion is by no means enough.

Really feel for you, I'd be exactly the same. Can't believe PP was urging you to fell pity for the assailant.Confused

Freeflying · 09/02/2015 18:25

I don't blame you. That's horrific, and I was badly bullied at school and it haunts me 10+ years later. The school sound like they are dealing with it well, although I do hope he has been excluded, not internally?

hoobypickypicky · 09/02/2015 18:28

An internal exclusion is another way of the school saying, "We're just brushing this under the carpet, so if you'd like to turn your back and carry on as if nothing has happened Ms LadyPenny".

Please, please take it from a parent who's been there and whose child has suffered. Report this to the police and insist that they take the strongest action or it will happen again.

They may try to tell you that the school is dealing with it so they "can't" do anything. This is wrong - it's based on a guideline and you've every right to report and demand action on a criminal asssault no matter where it happened. Ask to speak to a superior officer and don't take no for an answer. The school isn't doing enough and the police have to act.

nemo81 · 09/02/2015 18:30

Wow. I would call the police, year 10 means the boy is 14/15? If that happened on the street the police would be called, the fact it happened at school makes no difference. Glad the school are taking action and i hope your son is ok. Btw yanbu

NutcrackerFairy · 09/02/2015 18:31

LittleBrownRabbit that sounds like a horrendous thing that happened to your DD.

However I think it's a fallacy that 'shit homes' are only those that are financially deprived, or where serious physical neglect or abuse occurs.

Children who come from well-to-do families can still be deprived... emotionally neglected, emotionally abused, even if they appear well fed, well dressed and have every material comfort.

IME a child who is emotionally deprived can often end up having difficulty in relating to their peer group. They can have difficulty developing empathy, maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries and have a deep well of rage and insecurity which can lead to them lashing out.

I am not writing this to excuse bad behaviour or physical violence as experienced by the OPs poor DS. The DS has every right to feel safe at school and not bear the brunt of whatever their assailant is physically acting out. And I second all the suggestions for the OP to involve police and ask for much more support and robust measures from the head teacher.

I am merely saying that children can be from well-to-do backgrounds and still be quite severely deprived by their parents.

ChickenMe · 09/02/2015 18:32

Report it to the Police OP. Blows to the side of the head? This isn't pushing and shoving. Aiming for the head shows a certain intent and malice. Don't wait until next time because in my opinion some poncey exclusion from classes is no punishment whatsoever and I doubt the little shit would care. If he cares about school in the first place he would not act in this way at school!
Don't be fobbed off by the school. Their ways of dealing with things usually just drag it all out and it is likely to happen again. Personally I would push for arrest.
Don't give one second's thought of feeling sorry for the bully. I bet he's attacking other people with impunity as well as your son.

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/02/2015 18:32

Definitely report it to the police.

I went to court when DS and his mate were beaten up by two boys - all on CCTV. The magistrates watched the footage of them whipping DS's friend with the buckle end of a belt. I couldn't watch the footage myself as it was too upsetting, but I kept glancing at the boys' parents to see their reaction. I couldn't help wondering where they got the idea of whipping someone with a belt buckle from. Sad

youarekiddingme · 09/02/2015 18:34

I exactly the re same feelings when people have hurt DS. It's animal instinct imo!

I agree with police and hope your boy is ok? I'd get gp appointment to ch do him out just so his injuries are on file.

Gen35 · 09/02/2015 18:38

I'd report it too as its violence against a person and not a fight with fault on both sides. Some action now might make the boy think twice next time. Yanbu to be angry, I'd be very upset if someone hurt my dc.

Perfectlypurple · 09/02/2015 18:43

solo just because someone is from a nice middle class family, it does not mean they are not abused. I am not saying the boy the op is talking about is from an abusive background, but that kind of thinking - that abuse doesn't happen in nice middle or upper class families doesn't help people from these families reporting abuse, and also it would imply that working class = bad/abusive. There is all kinds of abuse, emotional, physical, sexual, neglect and so on. Anyone from any background can suffer this.

op I hope your son is ok. In my police force we generally prefer the school to sort out school issues but if you are unhappy with the action the school has taken then the police do deal with it. I will say though that it is unlikely the police will give the offender a good talking to. From what you say and the evidence there is there should at least be some kind of sanction and a criminal record for this boy.

Original poster
LadyPenny · 09/02/2015 18:45

hoobypickypicky that is exactly what has happened. I just phoned 101 to report and was told "we normally let the school deal with on site issues"

I asked how my ds being assaulted in school as opposed to in public was different. She said it wasn't but the police liked to let schools deal with things that happened on site.
I then asked if the same rules would apply if tomorrow the child stabbed my ds and killed him. Would the police still prefer the school to deal with it?

She then quite huffily asked if I wanted an officer to contact me. I said yes. So my complaint has been sent to resolutions and I will hear from someone in around 3 days.

OP posts:
GoofyIsACow · 09/02/2015 18:47

Op your poor DS, horrid situation for you both, i agree with virtually everyone else, call the police

NutcrackerFairy · 09/02/2015 18:48

Lady that is terrible.

Surely this is part of a policing role Confused

Quitelikely · 09/02/2015 18:50

You have done the right thing lady penny.

Don't let it rest. Awful boy. Get it on his record. Blows to the head are dangerous.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2015 18:56

Of course you're not a loon; someone hurt your little lad and your feelings are absolutely natural

Can I share, though, what happened when my own son was attacked at five ... no way would I have gone for the other boy, but I did get right in his face with a few choice words he wouldn't forget in a hurry. I was horrified to see his whole expression go utterly blank, and with empty eyes that looked as if his whole personality had departed, he "turned in on himself" completely

It was then I realised just how badly that kid was being abused - still haunts me 20 years later

angelohsodelight · 09/02/2015 19:04

Go to the police and make a complaint. The school won't as it will bit look good. Don't let the kid think he can beat someone for no reason and the only punishment is isolation or exclusion. Whilst I would, like you, want to kill the shit, the police will be better so they can ascertain his home life situation etc.

joanne1947 · 09/02/2015 19:04

I don't think YABU to want to hurt the boy but was it an attack or was it two boys having a fight? If one of my sons had experienced such an attack I know he and his friends would have sorted it out away from the school and away from any CCTV.
Boys fight, it may not be politically correct to say that, but they have been fighting each other for generations, it is not usually a problem as they are usually well matched.