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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

180 replies

PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:18

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

OP posts:
wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 20:55

How does this babysitting thing work then?

You pay someone to come and sit in one room in your house with your DC while you sit in another room and entertain? I honestly don't think I have ever come across this in RL?

Is this another 'only on MN' thing?

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 20:58

PotatoLetters Sun 08-Feb-15 11:34:29
Ds is happy to sit with us and chat. He was excited to see and talk to db.

PotatoLetters Sun 08-Feb-15 11:53:19
Ds was talking over lunch. Is that not between mouthfuls?
He sat happily for about an hour.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Feb-15 20:46:21
Sitting quietly for an hour at an adult table is exactly what you said your ds can do OP. We are not talking about a child sitting in silence but just talking and interacting nicely with others. Either your ds can do this or he can't. So far you have declared both.

Fairenuff, she hasn't contradicted herself AT ALL. She has said he sat and chatted happily for an hour. She then said he couldn't sit quietly for an hour.

Why can't you make your point without making up what the OP has said?? We can all see it, it's there in black and white? Surely if you're right you don't need to start making stuff up to prove your point??

PintofCiderPlease · 08/02/2015 21:05

Wet - it's called 'not having any family on this side of the world, and if I want ANY time to myself then I pay someone to look after the DSs'. So yes, I have hired a teenager to play with the DC so that I can have some child free time during the day.

It's not like they have to be super responsible, I'm only in the next room after all. Someone bubbly, that enjoys/tolerates endless re-enactments of Star Wars scenes, plays Uno, or is happy to kick a ball around outside with them is suitable. My friend's 12 year old LOVED earning a bit of money doing this.

PintofCiderPlease · 08/02/2015 21:09

Actually Uno is a more recent thing, bit of a daft thing to refer to for a 2 year old, sorry! But you get the idea, anyway.

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 21:21

I don't have any family to help out either.

I've never sourced a local teenager so I can have friends over for lunch.

How strange.

GingerLDN · 08/02/2015 21:29

PintofCiderPlease that's a great idea. If you can afford it and it's someone you trust then it's fine. If that's how you get some 'me time' why not!

PintofCiderPlease · 08/02/2015 21:32

Strange?! You find the idea of someone looking after your children so that you can have a bit of adult time strange?

What an odd response.

I love my children, but also like the occasional child free time.

I also sent my DSs to a childminder one day a week so that I could do voluntary work on that day - maybe you think I'm utterly bizarre now?! Hmm

PintofCiderPlease · 08/02/2015 21:35

Thanks Ginger. With a DH who worked insanely long hours, and travelled frequently, it was my way of keeping my sanity.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 21:39

When he was sitting 'happily' was he not also sitting 'quietly'? When he is chatting is he doing it noisily?

Perhaps OP could clarify for you wet whether her son was, in her opinion quiet or loud at the table. I think she is talking about a child who can sit with adults and not infringe on them by being loud or boisterous or demanding.

This is what is commonly known as sitting quietly, engaging with others in an appropriate way, with an acceptable level of noise. I think you understand what I mean.

OP if you do actually want to see your db again without any of this getting in the way, maybe it would be a good idea to invite him over when your ds is in bed in the evening. Or arrange to go out somewhere for the day where there are lots of activities to engage your son, such as a local zoo perhaps?

morethanpotatoprints · 08/02/2015 21:42

I don't think your db was being unreasonable it is just his way and his views are different to yours.
it is a shame that he doesn't see your ds very often and I can see how your db behaviour would upset you.
I tell all children to say please if they don't offer it.
Maybe I shouldn't but i can't help myself.

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 21:49

Yes, I find it strange to find a local teenager to sit with your DC while they're in the house.

I am, of course, familiar with the concept of getting a babysitter to go out for some childfree time.

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 21:49

whilst you're

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 21:51

What are you going on about Fairenuff? You've accused the OP of changing her story. She didn't.

Why keep flogging the dead horse, why not just say what you actually want to say without resorting to making stuff up?

nooka · 08/02/2015 21:51

Isn't that the trouble though Fairenuff, in that the OP presumably thought her ds was being delightful (and maybe he was) but her brother thought he was being demanding and infringing on adult conversation (and maybe he was right too). No way of telling who was reasonable or not really.

Although I do think it is very unhelpful for parents to expect other adults to ignore misbehavior, and not to welcome other adult input. Especially as it's likely to happen whether they want it or not.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 21:55

Yes I agree nooka which is why I suggested way back that OP checks the adults to see if they look like they've had enough and step in before they do. Some adults will have more tolerance than others.

PintofCiderPlease · 08/02/2015 21:57

What's the difference?! Child free time is child free time!

I've had lunches which were much more fun because they were in the house, and we could lounge around as long as we wanted, eating food I'd bought especially for the lunch, drinking some lovely wine.

I've also had lunches with friends with young DC, and both our DC were looked after by said babysitter, and we were able to have a blast together - children that wouldn't normally settle with babysitters in the evening, were problem sleepers, or with women who were still breastfeeding and weren't comfortable leaving their DC for long periods of time.

In many cases having a babysitter in the house at the same time as you're there makes MORE sense.

Caronaim · 08/02/2015 21:58

I haven't read the whole thread, so this may have already been said, but to me, reading your OP, the impression I get of your brother is some one who takes his role as uncle quite seriously, and wants and hopes to be involved with your ds, and is prepared to take some responsibility for him. That is the way it comes across to me.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 21:58

I haven't heard of anyone getting a babysitter to entertain your kids in the next room, though I can see it's quite a good compromise.
I wouldn't expect to have to do this with family though, I think it's sad that db can't tolerate his own nephew. I appreciate that he is my amazingly gorgeous intelligent GIFTED son and that he might not see quite how gifted he is but I'm disappointed that db won't even engage with him and on top of that I'm annoyed that db is bossing my child around in my home according to his one unrealistic parenting standards.

OP posts:
LesleyKnopeFan · 08/02/2015 21:59

Babybumphopeful, I'm assuming you don't have kids? I could have written your post pre-kids. 10 yrs and several kids later (who have manners and are taught good behaviours), your post sounds a bit like someone who does think that kids should be seen and not heard or at least has little compassion for parents. It's not easy bringing up kids and sometimes they behave horrendously in public. It's embarrassing and upsetting but you can't expect a parent to behave in the way you think they should without having walked in their shoes.

The screaming child may have problems, you cannot deal with a screaming child in public by screaming back, I would have removed myself and child from situation, but you can't do that every time.

I'm sure your friend would be upset to hear how you speak about her kids, I've yet to meet a child who doesn't get that the telephone attached to your ear means you can't respond, at some point in their lives. I did this as a kid and I had a strict (but loving) upbringing.

Honestly, if you do have children, come back and read this post when you're a few years in, if your view doesn't change, then I'll stand corrected. But I'll bet it does.

I am aware that some people seem to think the world centres around them and their children with little regard for their audience but I guess these people would behave this way without their kids too (loud phone convos on the train and the like Wink).

I'm still with you OP on this one.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 21:59

Unrealistic, not one realistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 22:05

My db wants the good bits of being an uncle ie picking out cool presents, bossing child around. He's never taken ds off my hands and played with him for an hour, read him a story or fed him, changed him or done the crap stuff.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 08/02/2015 22:47

YANBU and your little boy sounds adorable.I would have accepted his invisible presents with great enthusiasm.Your DS would most probably have been the better behaved out of me and him.Grin

He's still so young,he's only a baby,your brother needs to lighten up a lot!

I became an auntie well before I could become a mother(I was 7 when I first became an auntie)and I never treated any of my nephews and nieces as if they were a nuisance and one of my brothers had 7 children.

I've always had a special bond with them all and I still do.They're extremely close to all my children and very protective of my 5DC.My children are all friends with my great nephews and great nieces and I have a very close relationship with them just like I did with they're parents whilst they were growing up.

It would be a shame for himself and any children he has in the future if he doesn't have a good relationship with him.

I've always seen being an Auntie/Uncle a bit like being grandparents,you get to have all the fun then you hand them back at the end of the day.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 08/02/2015 22:59

Telling him to say please is fine.
Telling children to clear their plates isn't on, I don't agree with making children eat more than they want to and would be annoyed at that.

m0therofdragons · 08/02/2015 23:03

That's the great point of being an uncle or auntie - you don't have to do the crap bits. I only have one nephew and he's the other side of the world so I see him once a year In person - in that time I deal with the fun bits and his parents can deal with his poo etc

VanitasVanitatum · 08/02/2015 23:07

I think 'bossing him around' is a) a bit strong for expecting simple manners and b) sounds like you see db as being a similar age to your ds!

I don't think asking a child to say please is 'bossing him around'. There is nothing more grating imo than a child demanding what they want without manners.