Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

[PotatoLetters]

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

But if ds is talking to his uncle and doesn't say please but uncle isn't allowed to remind him to say please, how can he learn?
I was once told I was very lucky dd is so polite. Well she wasn't born like it. I taught her! My friends will always insist on please and thank yous, and I do the same with their dc.

MOtherofdragons - I wouldn't object to the request for please if the DC had been talking to the DB, but he was talking to his own mother, who didn't even have a chance to request one. It's smug and belittling in my opinion.

But then I don't take any truck from family who try to lord it over me in my own home.

That would be annoying. Hard to say without being there. I've had friends without dc give me advice on teaching dtds to share (buy them one joint birthday present - a ride on - and make them share. .. at the age of 2!) So I get it's irritating. I do think dc pick up on this stuff and will learn what the other adult's expectations are. It's not something I'd stress about.

There are ways and ways. If the DB had said "No thanks DS, I'm busy eating my lunch" or "no thanks DS, it's lunch time now" - fine. The clearing plate is out of order, he has no idea what your rules are re plates being cleared. The Thomas thing - none of his business, he wasn't being asked. Fine to prompt if it's you being asked for something or you're the parent, but if neither of those apply and parent is present then it's nothing to do with you.

And I don't think it's fair to say he didn't know that rules could be different because of not having kids - I was perfectly well aware I didn't know the rules when DB had kids and I didn't. Since we have our own kids I'm maybe guilty of sometimes auto-correcting things then realizing the parent is there and I might have got their rules wrong. "Er, or is he allowed to do that SIL?"

I don't like and don't sign up to the "it takes a village" thing. That only works when everyone has the same rules and roughly the same way of parenting. Which may well have been the case in the old days when people did live in villages all their lives, with their family, and everyone had the same rules and knew they had the same rules. I'm not happy for the next person in the village to share parenting of my child if they smack or scream at them for example.

Some people don't seem to realise it, but there are different ways of raising children, not one correct way and everyone else is wrong. In these days of internet and many many parenting books, the different ways are all mixed up geographically. We really don't all have the same rules or the same ways of enforcing them, and being parented in a village of different ways would confuse the hell out of any 2 yr old. By the time they're 5 and going to school they're much more able to cope with differences.

I think the issue with the 'it takes a village' attitude is that some people may use it as a means of forcing their own opinions on others.

So, whilst expecting a please and a thank you is a pretty universal and reasonable expectation, expecting a child to clear their plate and telling them to do so is actually very overbearing and quite an arrogant thing to do.

Some overbearing types are going to take the 'it takes a village' excuse and run with it to the point that they're just being an interfering and sanctimonious old busybody I know quite a few people like this.

I agree with catkind

And wetbehindtheears. Good posts

If no parent is about, I will remind a child to pick up litter, be careful, or break up a fight. But by telling a child to eat their lunch you are simply interfering.

Yabu. Ive corrected my niece and nephew if my sister not in the room and my sister always be grateful as she says she cant be everywhere same time. I would never correct a friends child though...would look at mother and wait

Going by the DB telling the child off a lot and not engaging in any other way much comment, it would appear that the DB isn't that fond of kids. Or very young kids. I'm not going to attribute that simply to him being childless, because it's possible to have kids of your own and still not like other peoples that much.

With this in mind it would have been better to have curbed the sons parcel-passing play to once or twice round the table, max, or to have kept it to just between DS, yourself and DH.

DB might make a wonderful uncle once DS is a bit older, 6 or 7 maybe. When he can interact with him differently/see him more as a whole person, not a baby to be 'taught' all the time.

I see the comment as 'no more play til you've cleared your plate' as more of an attempt to stop having to 'play' at the table any more than actually get him to eat all the food IYSWIM.

Agree with catkind.

I think the problem is the threshold of acceptable behaviour from a child. I think I'm pissed off because I think a bit of pretending to pass presents rather than throwing stuff or being entertained with toys is good behaviour at 2.9. I also like to encourage ds to sit at the table and interact rather than eat and then go off to play or eat before the adults. Obviously many posters and my db disagree!

I don't think it does a child any harm to know that different people have different levels of tolerance and different ideas. You can't actually stop it anyway, other than not see the person.

I'm with you on that potatoletters.

Quite surprised by the "you should have given him something to entertain him at the table" and "you should have let him get down to play" comments.

I see those behaviours as just as likely to elicit raised eyebrows/snarky comments. In fact I can remember a thread a few years ago where someone was on holiday with their brother and the brother insisted their nephew put down their portable DVD player and sit with the adults at the table.

Personally, if I didn't see my DB and SIL often (actually, I don't - purely for geographical reasons) I'd be pretty gutted if they treated my DC like an inconvenience.

What's the point of coming to visit a young family if you can't be bothered to interact with them a bit and just want to spend the entire time 'correcting' behaviour that isn't exactly challenging in the first instance?

I'd have joined in gladly with the present thing OP.

You are welcome to come for lunch with my pfb then!

Yes, I think what comes over is the DBs irritation at quite normal behaviour, and, more importantly, his inability to not let it show.

''I think a bit of pretending to pass presents rather than throwing stuff or being entertained with toys is good behaviour at 2.9. I also like to encourage ds to sit at the table and interact rather than eat and then go off to play or eat before the adults.''

Oh i agree entirely OP. However, as your brothers hosts, and as your sons parents, you and DH must now preempt these moments and smooth these waters during DBs visits if harmony is to prevail.

I mean strictly speaking - your child your rules. You'd be within your rights to ask DB to bugger off if he didn't want to play at the table with DS. But no one wants that.

Balancing your love for your DB and your love for your son is all part of the rich on and on and on going tapestry of parenting

I think he should have butted out, if he was babysitting him and you weren't there it's ok to remind him to say please. IMO

I agree with you op - when you sit at a table it is good to include everyone and dc learn to interact at a meal.

I often find the very quick and abrupt 'please' reminders usually come from the same who very often don't remember to say please after every request themselves.

And they generally don't give the child chance to even remember to say it. It's usually, ime, not necessary to jump in and add the word for them, often a brief pause and an expected look is enough to remind a child.

Most adults, especially those without children, visit another ADULT, not children.

He probably DOESN'T find your DS adorable, cute, or honestly want to interact with him that much. It may not be that he doesn't like him, just that he doesn't 'get' him, and doesn't have the patience for the constant stream of chatter that comes out of children's mouths. (Gawd mine drives ME crazy when he insists on talking constantly!)

If I'm having someone over for lunch who doesn't really 'do' kids, then I get a local teenager over to look after, eat with and play with the DSs while we're having a grown up only lunch.

Others I know LOVE seeing my DSs and chatting with them.

But just because someone wants to see me, I don't automatically assume that they want to see the DSs.

I think you would be far better off assuming that he would prefer NOT to have lunch with your DS, and if you still want to see him, then arrange for someone else to play with your DS while you're eating, or leave the catching up for dinners after your DS is in bed.

She should get a babysitter so this man doesn't have to interact with his own NEPHEW for an hour? Jesus Wept.

I am not child-centric by any means, had a child-free wedding, would never take my own children to a wedding.

But honestly, it doesn't sound like the OP and her DB get on anyway so it was hardly going to be a love-in without the DS on the scene.

I also thing manners go two ways - and storming in and imposing your own parenting rules in someone else's home doesn't exactly model good behaviour to the little boy.

Yes op the best parents are those who don't have any children.

I would tell him to mind his beeswax in your house.

Sit back and see how he copes when he has kids. Am guessing just like everyone else a cross between total anarchy and and flashes of sanity.

Parents often forget how irritating their children are and how incredibly dull and boring some people find them.

Totally agree - I have been bored senseless by other people's children and my own and I can understand how your brother felt.

Too many parents think their children are 'cute' and their conversation and actions are 'delightful' - well, they might be to you, but not to all adults.

Having a meal with a two year old is not my idea of fun at all and I imagine your DB felt the same. I never forget years ago going to dinner with friends and they were all excited as their 11 year old DD was going to have her first 'grown up dinner party' with us. What a tedious evening that turned out to be.

YANBU, if I'm there then it's up to me to 'discipline'my DS and it's no one else's business. I always find that those who insist on 'please' do it in such an abrupt way that it makes my DS shy of saying it. I always encourage him and coax him rather than demand. A friend of mine told him off for 'snatching' from her 1 year old, he's only just turned 2 and doesn't understand what that means - his reaction was to sing and walk away which made him 'rude' apparently. I just said that if she felt that way then maybe we meet up without the children.

Definitely say something next time and just make sure that you stay on top of the discipline if it's affecting other people. I think most people expect strictness and punishments when children are acting up but what a lot of them don't understand it that reacting in that way just makes it worse! It does with us anyway, I just have to change the situation rather than address it. Saying that, DS is only 2 so when he starts to understand more then I can begin the explain things to him. However, there are also those idiots who expect children to sit perfectly still and quiet, so whatever the children do it's wrong.

Pint

But it is ironic then, that the adult should be expecting more manners from a child than he himself is able to show

I don't like and don't sign up to the "it takes a village" thing. That only works when everyone has the same rules and roughly the same way of parenting. Which may well have been the case in the old days when people did live in villages all their lives, with their family, and everyone had the same rules and knew they had the same rules. I'm not happy for the next person in the village to share parenting of my child if they smack or scream at them for example.

yes also it takes a village doesn't just mean every fucker telling off your kid. It means helping too. How many people are happy to take on that bit of work.