Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

[PotatoLetters]

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

And while some people without children have unrealistic expectations of how they should behave, it's not a general thing. Some parents have unreaslitic expectations of how much other people should be prepared to put up with from their children before intervening and saying something.

YABU, and making a connection that's not there, between someone helping to teach/remind a child about manners as a criticism of your parenting.

When my dc were little I absolutely would expect their Uncles / Aunties / Grandparents to speak to them in the same way I would - be that reminding them of a 'please' or using some encouragement to crack on with eating their dinner. He hardly told your dc off on either occasion, just automatic prompts, as many people do for anyone who asks for anything without saying please.

I personally have no problem with my brother or sister telling my child off. My mum really had a go at him when he bit her. It's not as if it's a stranger. I would not tell off a aunt's child for example but I too would probably remind a niece or nephew to say please as well

My friend used to over parent me when I was around, over things like:

Using the fork correctly,
Talking too much,
Not walking fast enough,
Walking too fast,
Not saying please or thank you (My DD has ASD and she'll only say it to me. If you persist in making her say it, she'll get distressed and close down)
Going to bed,
Sitting down wrong,
Eating wrong,

I could go on.

My sister does this. with both my boys and will tell them off even for things that we wouldn't do so for. She doesn't have kids. If she was looking after them alone and we weren't there, fair enough, they need telling sometimes. But otherwise it is my job (especially as she often misjudges it)

YANBU. I Have a friend who tells my kids off more than me and it pisses me off and I'm strict. I've had to correct her before about what I expect as she's decided to pull my kids up on something I'm not bothered about. Like your food finishing scenario. I also think it's u to expect a 2 year old to sit quietly through a meal. They demand attention a lot it's their age. Accepting presents is easier than picking things up off the floor that they've repeatedly dropped which is always fun for little ones. I expect your dB wanted to be the centre of attention!
I let it go though with my friend though and just laugh later about it with DH.

I think if it's a safety issue any adult should chime in....but on issues of manners and such - defer to the parents.

My MIL will correct and cue our son when we are sitting right there - he doesn't need 3 adults cuing him about the same thing or 3 adults cuing him on different things turning into a right nag fest.

He sounds like quite an abrupt person. Is SIL similar? I can't cope with people who are so brusque. It's rude IMO.

I really like it when family or even strangers back up the kind of behavioural/basic manners stuff we are trying to instil in DS. Of course, they don't always focus on the same things or do it in exactly the way I'd like, but as long as they aren't physically chastising him or causing emotional damage, I think it's good for him to hear those messages coming from different directions.

I know what you mean op. One of those people who visits you and pretty much ignored your children except to make negative comments to and about them. It's horrible and I don't know anyone in RL that would actually think that was a good thing. It's completely different if the person spends a lot of time in your house or with your child and balanced this with play and nice comments. That irritated telling off which suggests they think your Dc are annoying is unpleasant.

It would of grated on me too op!

I will teach my children manners, not someone who dc see every now and again. IMO your db should of been enjoying the company of your son not hell bent on correcting him, your poor pfb.

I think goktwo and a few other posters hit the nail on the head. He rocks up occasionally and expects to have the authority to tell my child off without really bothering to engage with him in any other way.

100% agree with Snowbell.

I'm so sick of hearing/reading "when you have kids you'll understand". I don't think kids should be seen at not heard, but I definitely think that parents have turned their ears off on their kids, and lowered their standards... like the parents in the store the other day where their kids were play screaming, high-pitched SHRILL screaming. OMFG. The parent's just continued to shop, didn't look at them, didn't talk to them, didn't even react.. maybe that's their "method" but it's rude that you think your childs right to expression is more important than my hearing!

Friend of mine has 2 of the most irritating kids I've ever met. I'll be on the phone with her and they're doing the "mum, mum, mum" in the background, or screaming, or arguing. She often tells me about the stuff they get up to. They're horribly behaved and oh what I wouldn't give to correct them.. but I don't because it's not my place.. but I definitely limit my interaction with her and would try not to spend time around her with her kids.

OP Your DB was telling you he found your son irritating, and he also probably was upset with you for not telling your son to stop and eat so the adults could talk. DB likely wasn't there only to interact with your son, he probably was there to interact with you and you likely did the typical parent thing and ignore your sons behaviour and practically beam at how wonderful, imaginative and friendly he is and now you're upset that your DB didn't think so as well.

Talking at the dinner table is fine... but why did the talk have to include your child? And in fact from your description why did it have to be centered around your child? Because you love your son and wanted to interact with him, and your DB found it irritating to be ignored by you and for your child to just not. shut. up.

I can't say how I would have reacted after hours of waiting for you to correct your child and you not doing it (because you didn't think it needed correcting). I may have exploded like your DB did but it's likely I wouldn't have. I may have asked you why you didn't find it annoying. I may have tried to talk over the top of him. I most likely would just not come back for a LONG time!

Unless my kids are doing something dangerous I don't think anyone else should tell them off. Especially telling them to clear their plate, I have never made my kids do that and I would be cross if someone else told them to do so.

It must be something to do with siblings feeling they have the right to interfere. My sister lives in NZ, she has only met my kids a couple of times. Every time she has met them she starts telling them what to do and talking to them as if they a babies. They are teenagers ffs. I don't say anything as next time she sees them they will probably be adults.

I agree with Davsmum and Behindthepaintedgarden. I think not allowing anyone to reprimand your children or remind them of their manners is part of the reason kids these days think they an do whatever the hell they like. Many parents aren't as strict as they think. Some seem to think their kids running riot is just fine & normal - it's not.

i really don't mind if other people remind my children about saying please and thank you, or other manners-type things. It reinforces the message - helps them see that it's not just their mum and dad with poles up their arses, but that other people care about this stuff too.

I think he was being rude considering he was in your house.However it sounds as though your DS's incessant prattle and pretend present giving were getting on his nerves.As a parent you find your LO charming, but other people don't and you have to be alert to their irritation threshold.

This is an interesting thread - my DSIL has a pfb who is honestly spoilt and entitled. She has been used to being the centre of her parents universe and during family events or when she doesn't like what people are doing or can't get a cousin to play a game with her she literally runs to her Mum in floods of tears and then the whole family are asked to play a game that only a 7 year old would like.

So, tbh I sometimes really struggle to not step in and tell her to say please and thank you and that sometimes there isn't anyone that wants to do what she wants them to do!

It's annoying and would have annoyed me but tbh OP he was only saying what you should have been saying to your ds

It's how they learn manners and what isn't and is appropriate. Ie playing at the dinner table isn't ok and it's annoying to adults

It is a tricky one. My db can get irritable when he visits a few times a year. His dp can be the same. I was bringing dinners to the table, and I put ds' in front of him and he started to eat it. Db's partner told him to stop eating and wait for every one else. ds was about 4 at the time. As far as I was concerned, he was sitting at the table eating his dinner nicely, and I wouldn't have expected him or any other young child to wait. But she obviously thought that it was very rude, so people just have different expectations. It did piss me off.

On another occasion, my ds' were expected to tip toe around on egg shells by db's partner, because db had fallen asleep on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon. He was staying at my parent's house, and there was a perfectly good bedroom upstairs if he wanted a kip. He hadn't had a late night, or been working hard. He was just lazing around. That pissed me off as well.

On an earlier occasion, ds was about 3 and was being a little bit of a pita at the dinner table. Nothing major, but he was being a bit cheeky and took a roast potato off of my plate and put it on to his. Before I could do anything, Db slapped his hand! I put ds in a time out to calm down, and to be fair my db said sorry and looked as though he couldn't believe he'd just done that. He had just snapped, but he has no patience with little children. I have now learned to keep visits short and sweet.

Otoh, I know that not everyone likes little children, especially when they are displaying challenging behaviour.

I don't think your ds was behaving badly, and I would have been tolerant of pretending to pass presents.

Sorry for the long post.

MsJupiter and FindoGask have it spot on. It's good that small dc see that basic manners are an expectation of society not just their parents nagging. Of course its right that all adults your children interact with, reinforce that message.

I'd be delighted is another adult backed up my patenting by insisting on please and thank yous. Encouraging dc to eat? Perfect, saves me the job! Children need to understand that different parents have different expectations.
Having said that, if he crosses the line you'll need to step in and say "actually we don't make him do that" or whatever is relevant.
As for your son talking at the table, perhaps your db found it annoying and was trying to shut him up so he could get a word in. Not because your ds was doing anything wrong or deliberately annoying.

I wouldn't appreciate his attitude AT ALL.

I don't believe in children being forced told to clear their plates so I think he way overstepped the mark there.

Also, the please thing - at 2.9 of course he'll forget sometimes it's not up to him to jump all over your DC in his own home.

I have an acquaintance who does the 'raised eyebyrow' catty comment thing someone was advocating earlier. It is extremely irritating - I will correct my DC behaviour if I feel it appropriate. I don't need interference from someone else when I am right there myself. Even more irritating is that the woman who does this has children who hit/scream/climb everywhere (even inside restaurants) and she does nothing about it except eventually lose her temper then hit or kick them.

Sorry for typos. On my phone while being a rubbish mother