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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

180 replies

PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:18

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

OP posts:
flumpysocks · 08/02/2015 11:40

Bit of both. The "please" thing - yes, yabu, that's fair enough.

As for clearing his plate - yanbu, I have an issue with making children clear their plates and I don't think that's your DB's place to say. I would have gently stepped in there. Also, children that age will need entertaining at the table, and you kind of have to go along with it to teach them social skills - adults talk at the table, this is just the child's version.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:41

He was asking me for more Thomas.

I don't agree with plate clearing either, although db and I were brought up to eat everything (and are both overweight!).

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/02/2015 11:41

I think it's extremely rude to correct a child's manners when the parent is present. Of course if the child is creating havoc or hitting another child and the parent looks on passively that's a bit different. But I agree that parents without children have a far higher expectation.

UnalignedAnt · 08/02/2015 11:41

YABU.

TwoOddSocks · 08/02/2015 11:42

I've found this annoying in the past. I used to have a friend who didn't have experience with kids so had no idea of what to expect for each age group etc. who would start insisting on things like "no snacks between meals". Err no My son can't wait that long. It's also confusing for the kid when they're used to certain rules and suddenly someone is insisting on another rule. Not all 2 year olds have the self control to sit quietly at the dinner table.

That said people have the right to decide how much they engage with your kid. If they don't want to play a game/be climbed over/ have their things played with they can certainly say no.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:42

If I hadn't been around then I think I would feel differently, but if I'm in the room then let me parent!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 11:42

FuckOffGroundhog and people with kids, often expect others to act exactly like theirs.

ApocalypseThen · 08/02/2015 11:44

I think if he was asking your brother for more Thomas, he actually was the right person to insist that your son said please since the interaction was between them.

ilovesooty · 08/02/2015 11:45

So did you ask him not to encroach on your parenting?

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 11:45

PotatoLetters, reminding a toddler to say please is not exclusive to parenting.

Will you see it as a personal slight when his teachers remind him of his manners, or to talk less and concentrate on what he should be doing?

This is your brother simply interacting with his nephew. It's not like a random stranger in the supermarket taking over.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:47

I didn't ask him not to encroach on my parenting because I thought I could be being U! And it seems I was.

I had the Thomas remote and an eye on the clock 're: teatime and when Thomas would end.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 08/02/2015 11:47

I see no problem with him reminding your ds to say please. My sister and I treat each others' children the same as we treat our own, and this means reminders about manners, sorting out any disagreements between the children fairly and without bias to our own child etc.

I think he should have left the mealtime stuff to you though.

I think you are being a bit precious.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 11:48

Oh and the plate clearing I think is a red herring.

"I don't want any more presents until you've cleared your plate DN"

"Oh DB, we don't insist on that like Mum and Dad did"

Nothing to get annoyed about.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 11:49

OP you are now saying that he just wanted to talk between mouthfuls. That's completely different from how you started your OP.

You also said that he shouldn't be expected to sit there for an hour. Then you say that he was sitting nicely and that he did in fact get down to play when he had had enough.

Why are you changing your story to try and get posters to agree with you? Confused

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:50

Regarding manners, I wouldn't undermine a parent if they were present. I think I'm too timid and I think it's rude, unless they are specifically asking you for a biscuit or whatever.

OP posts:
Davsmum · 08/02/2015 11:51

You don't really need to have kids or experience with kids to know good manners. In our family we all 'parent' the children because we know and trust each other to have the children's best interest at heart.
I have told my nephew not to speak to his mother ' like that' when he was being rude to her. She sometimes let's him get away with it and its bloody annoying. She doesn't mind ..but she really should be doing it herself.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:53

Ds was talking over lunch. Is that not between mouthfuls?
He sat happily for about an hour, I just mean that I wouldn't expect that behaviour of a 2yr old and that he didnt need to be reprimanded.

OP posts:
KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/02/2015 11:54

The meal time stuff would have pissed me off as well. Chatting at that age is perfectly acceptable. I would've done the please thing for more Thomas though as it's like a nervous tic!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/02/2015 11:56

YNBU. Discipline is the parents/carers job. The only time I chastise my Dnephew is when I am looking after him. If he acts up when dsis or dbil are around then it's none of my business

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2015 11:58

Do you think you taking such normal things to heart and your DB not seeing your DS too often, might be linked?

If you were my sister I think I'd feel as though I was treading on eggshells, and not really sure how to get a nephew/auntie relationship off the ground.

Yet in my own extended family, these relationships came naturally to everyone.

Waitingonasunnyday · 08/02/2015 11:59

I do the please-prompt all the time, it's an auto-parent thing. Don't think my boss is too impressed when I remind him Smile

Sounds like you don't really get on with your DB. I don't mind people correcting my children but if they only ever correct them and never chat, then that's pretty rude.

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 12:02

I don't get on with db, he's a know it all. He gives me parenting advice Hmm
I also have a newborn so life's a bit fraught around here!

OP posts:
Feminine · 08/02/2015 12:03

fuckoff l agree with you.
Those without kids don't really have any idea of how they should and can behave.
Same as those who don't have teens (just have a two year old) and expect and demand the same parenting stratagies to work.
I don't have a problem with those in authority reminding my children, but they'd have to like them too. ;)

Feminine · 08/02/2015 12:05

*for me not to get fed up.

OneDayMySleepWillCome · 08/02/2015 12:05

Hmmm. If he saw him everyday I'd think it was considerably less annoying- though still a little cross.

Given that he doesn't I think it was totally not his place to do this.

I think if you do have to 'reprimand' someone else's child- as in, they're doing something dangerous or very unkind and the parents aren't watching etc. then there are ways in which to do it which don't end up in making the kid or parents feel embarrassed or undermined.