Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

[PotatoLetters]

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

Well the dinner party sounds like it sucked.

But the OP couldn't win, could she? Stuck on a TV programme to keep the DS entertained and then DB starts sticking his oar in over that as well.

Why should I have to have a grown up only lunch just because my db doesn't like my toddler? He's surely visiting the whole family? Eating together is how children learn manners. I can't stick him at a table on his own for 10 years and then expect him to know exactly how to behave when eating with others.

I bit OTT, op. YOU eat with him often enough don't you? You get together with friends who have children, don't you? PLENTY of opportunities for him to learn manners.

Or, you could keep meeting up with your DB with your child around and keep getting pissed off when he doesn't 'appreciate' your child's play and chatter. I'm sure your DS will be utterly delighted to be constantly told off by another adult, and I'm sure your blood pressure will be just marvellous as you try to contain your temper, and I'm sure your relationship with your brother will be just fine.... really.....

You seriously think employing a babysitter just because db can't accept the reality of toddlerhood is sensible?

PotatoLetters It is perfectly achievable for a 2-3 year old to sit quietly at a grown-up table. People here say this isn't possible but I know plenty of kids who are fine sitting at a table without demanding all the attention.

It takes a lot of discipline on the parents' part (in some cases, nanny) but it is achievable.

Well I've never met a 2-3yr old who can do that, honestly.

Far more sensible than making life tougher for yourself!

You do realise you are an adult in your own right?! You don't have to be 'mother' at every event going???!!! It is actually permitted for you to have a grown up only conversation every now and then?!

And it's definitely not obligatory for those that know and love you to be as equally enamoured with your DC?

And people wonder why they lose friends when they have DC, as though life isn't hard enough juggling everything they insist on a 'love me love my child' mentality.

You've never met one who can? On a good day mine at that age could, and did, easily. Used to do it frequently. Still do now that they're older.

In fact today in church I was complemented on how quiet my 2 DSs were throughout the hour long service, with no colouring in books or anything to amuse themselves with.

I still make sure that I meet those who aren't into children without them around.

I'd evacuate the thread now OP because people are now going to start embellishing what happened and putting words into your mouth.

I know loads of almost 3yr old's and they're all whirlwind of energy unless glued to a screen.

OP earlier in this thread you said that he sat happily for a hour and now you say you've never met a 2-3 year who can do that

Not in silence for an hour being seen and not heard. He can sit for an hour if we talk to him.

Fairenuff she said she'd never met a 2-3 year old who could sit quietly for an hour, and now you're twisting that to try and put words in her mouth.

Quelle surprise.

But why should OTHERS have to talk to him? I don't understand why you can't see that others don't necessarily want to interact constantly with your son. It doesn't make them BAD people!

If they deliberately encourage you to bring your son, and are then rude about it then the are complete idiots and don't deserve your company. But you haven't said that your DB had asked for that so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I had children much later than my siblings. I really didn't enjoy the meals where the children dominated. Because if you are constantly talking to them, that is what they are doing. It's not like you can have serious discussions if you're constantly interacting with your child. I know how I felt as the sole adult without children. I started to avoid some of those meals.

So I make sure I don't put others through it if they aren't that into children.

Even now, if I make the effort to find a babysitter for my DC, I would feel really snarked if I then had to constantly chat to someone else's child during a meal.

Not twisting it, the words are all there to read. And OP just said it again, he can sit for an hour if they talk to him. No-one said anything about them sitting in silence, just quietly and OP says her son can do that.

"If they deliberately encourage you to bring your son"

He LIVES there. Perhaps they should consider if the home of a toddler is somewhere they really want to visit if they are that incapable of tolerating one for a couple of hours?

I also think family are a different kettle of fish to friends. Family should put up with normal toddler behaviour. It's not like he was throwing food and screaming.

I would expect any of my family to chip in with a 'please' if they heard a bratty type demand. Of course toddlers do 'I want' quite a lot, it's understandable, but it's also very rude and needs to be addressed. Why does it make a difference if it is an uncle/grandmother etc instead of a mother?

I'd not be too happy about a 'clear your plate' instruction, but see nothing wrong with a 'come on nephew, eat up now and we can play later' type comment. An hour of full on toddler chat can get exhausting and perhaps the db wanted to escape the table himself.

I can also see that it is annoying if someone visiting has no pleasant interactions with your children, I'd look to meet up with them without children in the future if possible. For a toddler/baby household an evening meal might work better than lunch.

If you think family should put up with normal toddler behaviour, then you need to accept that they'll also correct said normal toddler behaviour. You can't have it both ways I'm afraid.

Snowbells said it was possible for a child of this age to sit quietly for an hour at an adult table. I said that I'd never seen this. My ds can sit for an hour interacting with people and thus causing this friction with db.

Good point pintofcider. He's just an arse and I think that bothers me!

Sitting quietly for an hour at an adult table is exactly what you said your ds can do OP. We are not talking about a child sitting in silence but just talking and interacting nicely with others. Either your ds can do this or he can't. So far you have declared both.

But this is picking the behaviour apart now. You obviously don't want to hear that you may have had unreasonable expectations that no-one else should reprimand your child so not sure why you asked really if you don't want to take on board different opinions.

YANBU.

OP, has your DB always made a habit of parenting your children in your presence? If so has he rolled up his sleeves and helped with nappy changing, feeding, clearing up vomit, patching up cut knees? Or does he only show interest when it comes to correcting what he deems to be poor behaviour? I feel that if we're to subscribe to the 'it takes a village' idea then that ought to include all aspects of parenting not just those that give adults the oppurtunity to show off their own behavioural expectations at the expense of a child.

I'm talking from personal experience where a family member will insist on trying to parent our DCs in our presence. They see the DC very rarely and it only serves to undermine myself and DP. They have no kids and I think this does make a difference. I have no problem whatsoever with a teacher correcting my child (as mentioned upthread) because I'm not there and they are in loco parentis.

I've come to the conclusion that, in my case at least, the family member attempting to parent my children in mine and DPs presence, is doing so because they are not the sole focus of attention at that time.

Well if he's an arse I wouldn't bother wasting good babysitter money on him then! Save it for someone else. Tell him to come over in the evenings when your DS is in bed, and you won't have to be irritated with his (your DB's) impatience.

I am taking on different views, if you see my post to pintofcider and my earlier observation that people have different views of acceptable thresholdsof noisy toddlers. I'm obviously being a bit u but some people are saying db is u.

Milknosugar- he's never offered to feed change or take ds out to the park. He buys him lots of presents though.