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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think its up to me to reprimand my child?

180 replies

PotatoLetters · 08/02/2015 11:18

I could well be U. DB generally annoys me so this may be colouring my view!

So yesterday DB and SIL came for lunch (they have no children, if that's relevant). My Ds1 is 2.9 and chatted away over lunch, trying to pass all of us pretend presents. DB said he didn't want any presents until ds1 had cleared his plate and later told him to stop talking and eat all his food. We weren't pushed for time and frankly it's not up to DB to chivvy my son anyway.

Later on, ds1 was watching tv and when the episode finished he said 'I want more Thomas!'. Immediately Db said very loudly and pointedly 'PLEASE'. He did this a few times.

Aibu to a) find this annoying and b) think DB should back off?

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 08/02/2015 12:12

He doesn't sound like he's that much fun to have over I would stop inviting him.

LesleyKnopeFan · 08/02/2015 12:13

I used to do this before I had kids, to my nephews, I really regret it now I have my own and I suspect I riled their mother. I cringe when I think of it.

If you are present, as their parent, it is your job to do the reprimanding. If a whole family raises a child, everybody needs to on the same page and have a lot of presence and input.

A brother who occasionally sees a child (who is on 2.9) shouldn't be taking on this role. He should be letting you do the leading and if you don't think the action needs discipline then he shouldn't reprimand unless in a position of danger. Doesn't sound like your DS was doing anything particularly bad, either.

I can see why it's annoyed you, I have some family members who do this now and it's frustrating.

I do think it's relevant that he does not have a child. If he does have kids, will be interesting to see how he is with your kids then.

Next time this happens, I would say something like 'oh, he's alright, DB' or 'he's only 3, he's trying to remember his pleases and thanks but sometimes forgets' if you say it in a nonchalant and positive way (non defensive) it might make him realise. It did with me and my nephews.

For what it's worth, he probably has no idea how you feel.

Fairenuff · 08/02/2015 12:17

It sounds like this is more to do with how your brother affects you OP, more than his (fairly normal imo) interactions with your son.

I think you probably do need to say something like,' Oh don't worry about him eating, he'll get there' so that db knows where you stand on that. But also tell you ds to 'leave uncle so and so alone now so that he can eat his meal'.

minionmadess · 08/02/2015 12:18

I wouldn't hesitate to jump in if I thought the parent was going to let it slide.

Although the type of person that doesn't give the child's respective parents time to take action before jumping on the offending child annoy the hell out of me. Let the parent... parent! Draw a breath before presuming they won't.

SnowBells · 08/02/2015 12:20

Have you guys ever watched the documentary (?) "Make me a German"?

There was this part in there where the British family spending a month in Germany trying to live an average "German" life received a visit from their kind neighbour who happened to be a police officer. Apparently, their kids were being to loud for German standards, and other neighbours have complained.

The mum was like "But they're quiter than usual!"

As someone who lived abroad a long time, the penny dropped for me then. I always thought kids here to be more highly strung (jokingly askedvDH what the UK puts in the water that make them like that). Too many parents here think they should be the ones disciplining the child - not others, when in many other countries, others can chime in, and new parents in particular learn what is acceptable behaviour and not (you get the village raising the child thing).

The problem with you being the only one to discipline your child is... you are WAY more immune to your child's irritating behaviour than others. If a child demands my attention at a time I really don't want to deal with that child, his/her mum will just think her child is being adorably sociable and I would be a complete tw*t for not interacting with the child I may not find as adorable as his/her mum thinks he/she is... when the truth is, if the child was an adult behaving similarly, he/she would be seen as intrusive.

Due to the bias most parents will have, I am all for others having a say about the upbringing of your child.

StarOnTheTree · 08/02/2015 12:28

It doesn't sound like he was telling your DS off in a nice way so YANBU to be put out about that. But could your DS could have been monopolising the conversation at the dinner table? Maybe that's why your DB was so irritated by him. I do get fed up of not being to talk to friends and family because their children monopolise every second of every conversation. I'm not talking about normal conversations between adults/children but about DC totally taking over.

I generally think that as long as you would tell your own child off for something and you do it in a nice tone unless they're about to kill someone then shout all you like then it's ok to tell other kids off, particularly if the parents are doing nothing whilst the darling child is throwing food at people.

It's difficult because some behaviours are universally accepted as standard. e.g. saying please, so it's easy to insist on that, but other behaviours are a matter of opinion, and the clearing the plate thing would have annoyed me too. DD3's friend told her mum (whilst we were with them) that DD3 was being naughty for walking on the wall. No, she's allowed to walk on the wall Hmm So I am mindful of these differences when we're with other people and their DCs.

Next time just be more assertive with your DB about what behaviours you accept as your DS's parent.

littlejohnnydory · 08/02/2015 12:32

F*ck the village, our children are our children and we'll raise them in the way we choose. As for raising children being a family affair, I wouldn't trust my family to raise a pot plant. Your brother was being rude, OP, none of his business.

Davsmum · 08/02/2015 12:35

Of course people without kids can know how kids should and can behave. I often think it's parents who forget how kids should and could behave judging by some of the behaviour I see when parents are with their kids.

Annunziata · 08/02/2015 12:38

I think YABU.

SnowBells · 08/02/2015 12:42

Davsmum I am with you on that one!

Anonimousy · 08/02/2015 12:45

I think it's absolutely fine to prompt 'please'. It sounds like your DH has your son's best interests at heart but obviously I don't know the tone he used.

Anonimousy · 08/02/2015 12:46

There are an awful lot of children who are very rude IME. My daughter, who is 11 went to a party where the birthday girl called her mum 'you idiot' and the mum just laughed Shock

LittleBairn · 08/02/2015 12:46

littlejonny I'm with you in that sentiment. I hear a lot on MN about 'the villiage' but only when it comes to telling kids off it doesn't seem to extend to actually helping raise the children or basically anything useful.

zeezeek · 08/02/2015 12:46

Parents often forget how irritating their children are and how incredibly dull and boring some people find them. An adult should be able to choose who they interact with and when they want that interaction to stop - even if it is with a child. That's also an important lesson in growing up and socialising.

Anonimousy · 08/02/2015 12:46

By the way, op I didn't mean your son is rude, what I meant is that children should be taught manners from an early age and prompting for this is ok.

Anonimousy · 08/02/2015 12:47

I meant db, not DH

KatieKaye · 08/02/2015 12:58

So your brother got fed up with playing pass the parcel at the dinner table, which sounds perfectly reasonable, and reminded your son to eat up his food. I can't see any problem with that, although perhaps it would have been better if you'd stepped in much earlier or fed your DS before hand as you knew you were having guests over. People without young children would probably find all that parcel stuff at the table incredibly irritating more than a little bit wearing

DB then reminded your son to say "please". It's perfectly normal to remind young children about being polite.

YABU.

Hamiltoes · 08/02/2015 13:00

Have no problem with other adults reprimanding my child.

What does piss me off is when I do it, then mum gran and brother all chip in too. Bloody annoying.

maddening · 08/02/2015 13:05

I don't see how your ds did anything that required reprimanding - your db was being a prick.

ApocalypseThen · 08/02/2015 13:09

It's a tough one, though. There are kids related to my husband who are nice enough kids but their parents haven't insisted on good manners and as they're getting older, it is not making them pleasant to be around. I'd also shy away from correcting them because I know their parents wouldn't like it.

I hope people don't feel that way about mine. I think I do insist in manners and I try not to moderate all their relationships so I like to think that if their behaviour was annoying others or if they forgot their manners people wouldn't feel they had to tolerate it because I'd prioritise my hurt feelings over my kids getting a dose of reality.

BeeRayKay · 08/02/2015 13:24

I think you're being U.

But maybe thats cause of how I am.

I regularly step in when friends DC are playing up. One of my closest friends and I see each other daily and we frequently reprimand each others children.

Friend will easily say "no, hairysnotfaced child, don't do that" to my kids and I'll say "don't speak to your mother like that cherubfacedmonkey"

And I do the same with family and family do the same to mine.

And I have two beautifully behave, polite children. But they are just children so do need reminding of correct behaviour...

tarashill · 08/02/2015 13:42

Yanbu, it would be acceptable if your brother had a close relationship with your Ds. As he obviously doesn't and it sounds like your ds irritates him, then what right does he have to interfere. It'd be totally different if he was a loving uncle who took an interest and was involved in his nephews life. A shame really, your ds will probably never be close to him and your brother will miss out on so much. It's your brothers loss.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 08/02/2015 13:56

I have a child...and I find there is nothing more mindnumbingly boring and teethgrinding than having to interact with one that isn't mine. Factor in me trying to have my dinner, but also being expected to act like some wacky children's presenter pretending to receive presents that were invisible and I'd probably have developed a migraine that didn't exist either tbh.
Your child wasn't BU. He is little....You weren't BU....your child is the centre of your world and you love him unconditionally....but your brother wasn't BU either.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 08/02/2015 15:41

I think YABU. If he'd shouted at your son, or sent him upstairs or somesuch then I would see your point. But mildly reprimanding him, or reminding him to eat his dinner (probably as a polite way of saying that they'd all had enough of pretend present giving and would like to chat for a few minutes without being interrupted constantly by a toddler) sounds ok.

And to be honest, when children get older it is wearying if parents are constantly jumping on their highhorse any time a neighbour tells their kids to keep the noise down or kick their ball somewhere else because 'he's my child, and I'll tell him what he can and can't do'.

LadyLuck10 · 08/02/2015 15:49

Yabu, I don't think it's ever wrong to remind children to say please/thank you. It's basic manners, why would you get upset over that. And as for the game playing, I'm sure it was nothing more than your Db find it irritating. To a parent we tolerate all sorts of stuff, but to someone else this might have been highly annoying when you're trying to eat! Don't make a mountain over something so silly.